Asked to leave Catholic School...telling child

[amom2two]

Hi everyone...I have a question I am struggling with and need opnions. My 10 year old daughter, almost 11 in 2 weeks has been in the same small Catholic since K. She is now in 5th grade. We had some problems with her medicine and had to take he off and am trying to find another medicine that will help her that is a non stimulant. In the meantime, my daughter has behavioral issues such as refusing to do her classwork and talking back to the teachers. She has been warned for years about this but continued her behavior despite all we tried to do to help her. She was classified and was getting extra help. Now the school has told us that she is not welcomed back next year. It is because of her disrespect and her refusal to do her classwork. Her brother, who is gifted and in 1st grade now, will also have to leave the school becuase I refuse to leave him there and move just her, feeling it will cause problems between them as she is usually mean to him because everything comes easy for him.

Since this is a result of her actions, is this something she should be told about. My husband thinks we should just say we can't afford that school any more and not tell her but I fear if we don't tell her, she won't know and won't be able to change the behaviaor. I don't want to her think what she did was okay. in her private school, the teacher would tell her to do her work and then she would pick up the pencil but put it down the minute the teacher turned her back. Doing homework was a nightmare with her and she would fight me tooth and nail not to do it. Even reduced homework, she didn't want to do. At almost 11, I think she should be told her actions lead to this consequence but I'm not sure. She is emotional. How should I handle this. She does not have any friends outside of school there yet it's the only school she has ever been too. Please give me your opinons. The public school kind of told she should be told that she leaving and have her come over to tour the school. The public school she will have to go to is a failing school in NJ. Meaning it got a state record of F because half of the children there fail the state tests. She is going from a high achieving Catholic school to a poorly achieving public school. She will be classifed and get more help there, but I worry about her atttude and refusal to do work. Please advise.

[bugsmom]

amom2two...Welcome to our site. I'm so glad that you found us and hope that we will be a help, or at least a shoulder to cry on when you need it.

Boy, I tell you, this one's a toughie...lol. While I agree that your daughter needs to be aware of her behavior and the consequence that come with it, I'm favoring your husband's suggestion due to my past experience with my son's private school experience.

First, having an older child now, I know that at 11 he was not able to grasp the full concept of his behavior...no matter how hard we tried. My son was really delayed in this area...lol. Along with the higher expectations of a private school, and a history of the school already fed up with her behavior, I think a change would be a wonderful thing. You see, although my son's private school was awesome, and they met many accomadations, he WAS treated differently due to his behavior. Some teachers were AWESOME, but the one or two that were fed up with him totally distroyed his self-esteem and his self-worth. He didn't want to do anything for them because he knew they didn't like them. As much as you may think it's all your daughters fault, I'm sure she is not treated well by a frustrated teacher. This can be detramental for our kids. Although we were never asked to leave, I removed my son from the school at the end of 6th grade and homeschooled him. It took me two years to build him back up to where he loved learning again.

Within those two years, he let me know the awful feelings he felt the last couple of years he was in school. It torn me to peices. If I knew the impact of the situation back then, I would have riped him out of that school years before. My point is, I don't think telling her the truth will have anything but a negative impact on her. 11 is such a crutial age with our kids. Along with the issues she has, puberty, and social pressures, I just don't think telling her is going to have the impact you want it to have. This is my personal opinion, but it's also been my experience. Since your taking your younger child out too, it shouldn't be too much of an issue. Please believe me when I say this information will stay with her always. My son is 16 and still brings up school issues from 6 years ago. They don't forget. But, the good news is that they can turn it around and succeed!!

It's a bummer about the school she will be attending. I was wondering if maybe there are some charter schools that you can look into in your area. They seem to be a better fit for our kids...smaller, and somewhat like a private school. I think that your going to be surprised at how just a change in atmosphere (new school) can be a new beginning for your daughter. Once my son went back to school after homeschool he just thrived!! I couldn't believe the change. New school, new friends, new start...it can be a great thing.

Let us know how it all goes. And once again, welcome to our group!

[amom2two]

Thank you ((hugs mom)) for the great advice. I'm going to follow it. I don't want to her feel bad or feel "less then" in any way. I assume you are probably very close to the truth that she is frustrated at the school and maybe doesn't want to disappoint me by saying she doesn't like it there.

We have to do one year in public school before we can do school choice here in NJ. There are no charter schools available for her grade, which would be 6th, in our area.

The pace was just too face at that school. Most of all the disrespect she gave us was over homework.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me and helping me NOT make another mistake.