School is a horror for my daughter

[lostmyshoe]

Hi All,

Really sad and disturbed right now and wish I had more time to be online. Have to head out to work shortly. I am so glad for the chat coming up and that I have a day off tomorrow. I am in such pain over what my daughter is going through in school. I have finally decided to meet with guidance and one of Becca's teachers. I see no other alternative at this point. She had about 3 classes that she has few to no friends in, one class none at all(her Science class). It finally came out last night when she started crying relentlessly that things just aren't getting any better.

Apparently her teacher allowed the kids to pick their own groups for a project. It turns out that it worked out in groups of three with one extra person, my daughter. No one offered to have her in their group and she does not want to be mortified to have to beg someone. She spoke to the teacher and he said that she doesn't have to do the project but I am sure she will be getting a 0. She didn't want to go to school today because she will be the only one sitting by herself not doing the project because she has no one to do it with. I left him an urgent message to please call me.

There have been other things that have gone on during the year too and she has begged me not to bring attention to herself or the offenders so I've basically been having the teachers keep an eye on her. Of course the teachers never really see what is truly going on. Is it just me or did this teacher make a mistake to let the kids pick their own groups? My daughter feels so alienated and hurt. I am actually questioning my judgment in making her go. My heart is aching right now because I am so worried that she will wind up humiliated in class. From what my daughter tells me, this particular group of kids is a real pit of vipers and I just so much want to help her some how without making it worse.

I think next year I am going to have to tell the school she can not go through this again and they are going to have to make sure she has at least one friend in her classes. She was seperated this year the most from her friends. It is so harmful emotionally and psychologically for her to have to sit through classes speaking to no one and praying every day that they won't pick on her. That is no way to live.

I'm so sorry for the long post. I just hurt so much for her right now I am crying. Thanks so much if you were able to hang through this whole post . I just needed so much to express the sadness and worry I am feeling.

[puzzled]

I really hope that you can get this worked out for your daughter. I am wondering why the teacher let this happen with the groups? It would have been so easy for the teacher to have the kids call off numbers with all of the 1's going into groups, all the 2's into groups, etc....there would have been one extra in one of the groups...easy...

I think that the teacher has a lot of control over the way the children are treated, and he has to have seen this happening in front of his eyes in the classroom.

Kids can be so cruel for no apparent reason, especially teens.

[misty]

losty, You are right...that teacher HAD to see what was happening & he was way off base letting the kids choose their own groups! I know how bad it had to hurt you to send her in today. I'd call that teacher & ask him if Becca can go to the library or somewhere during the class if shes not included & he said she doesn't need to do the project. At least that way she's not sitting there alone feeling rejected. I'd also talk to the principal about the way he's handling his class. Teahers should be making it fair for all the kids, not encouraging them to reject someone! frankly, I'm appalled!

[jj]

Oh Losty. I know this must be so heartbreaking for you. I know I'm holding back tears just reading your post.

That was a stupid thing for that teacher to do. Honestly, I don't think any child is ever comfortable in a situation like that just because they fear someone will not want them in their group. Didn't he even do the math realizing there was going to be one kid left? Grrrr, that just infuriates me.

I think insisting next year she have some friend in her classes is the right thing to do. I vividly remember hating the classes my personal friends were not in.

That teacher better get back to you pronto. This is just wrong in every way!!!

[charliegirl]

I can't believe the teacher is allowing her to not do the project rather than put her in one of the groups. That boggles my mind. I would definitely be cornering the teacher. That certainly will ensure that she doesn't have the opportunity to bond with anyone. She never will make friends with any of them if the teacher keeps her seperated from them.

I'd contact the principal today if you haven't had a chance to speak to the teacher yet. It is something that has to happen now or it will be too late to be in on the start. That would make her really uncomfortable.

I'm seriously flabbergasted. I am having such a hard time thinking of a teacher not making sure all the students are included.

[bugsmom]

Losty, my heart is aching just reading your post. It so hard when our children feel rejected...its just heartbreaking!

I have to agree with everyone else in this matter...the teacher is a nut. Why on earth didn't he pick the groups? Whenever my son has a group project, his teacher always pairs them up intentionally, so that everyone gets a chance to work with someone new. What upsets me even more is that he told her she didn't have to do the project! I'm dumbfounded! He just made the situation even worst by singling her out because she didn't get picked! Holy Cow...I have no words. Please let us know what happens with this situation.

Sending hugs to you and Becca(((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))

[lostmyshoe]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for your kind replies. I called the Guidance counselor and am waiting for her to get back to me. I left a message that I want a conference with the teacher. The way it is set up is that you have to go through guidance. You can't set up a meeting with a teacher directly. I am hoping to get a meeting set up for this week because I am just in disbelief that a teacher would allow that to happen. I do want to hear his side of the story before before I get the Principle involved though. I want to be sure this doesn't happen to any other children in the future. The day of the project, Becca just sat at her seat and read a book while the rest of the class did the project. It just amazes me how a teacher could sit there and allow that to happen. He may have actually asked Becca to join a group and she may have refused. That is why I want a conference to hear all sides of the situation. I want to be sure that the rest of the school year goes smoothly for Becca with no more of this kind of thing happening and also that next year it is made clear that this is not to happen again. I am going to sit down with her 8th grade teachers also. If she gets stuck again with the nasty group of kids I am going to have her classes switched. No way am I going to allow her to have another year like this one. I am just so distressed that she had to go through this. I feel like I am going through it with her. I'll keep you all updated on what happens this coming week. Thanks so much for your understanding.

[jj]

You know what. Even if you find his side of the story to be he did appoint groups and your daughter refused to participate he is still in the wrong. That is all the more reason he should have informed you, personally, what happened. It doesn't matter if this counts against her grade or not...you should have been informed.

And when you do get your meeting don't be surprised if he covers his butt. Watch that body language - watch when he averts his eyes from you. Of course you can't accuse him of lying but you will probably be able to get a good feeling about what is true and what isn't.

[misty]

Jj's right. Shannon had a teacher last year that treated Shannon horribly, & every time we met she'd turn the stories around to make herself look better. Then she'd continue to treat Shannon even worse! I knew Shannon wasn't lying...I know her body language when she lies & I heard the other kids talking about it when they didn't know I was listening.

[charliegirl]

Losty, my heart goes out to you and Becca both. I have a grown daughter and I know how vicious some kids can be, especially girls. Teachers have to be aware of kids being singled out, either with teasing or ignored.

Do you really think Becca would have refused to participate if she were comfortable with a group of kids he had put her with? If you think there is a chance she refused, ask her before your meeting.

Let her know that you aren't mad at her no matter what the circumstances, but that you need to know so you can understand. I can't see a child flat out refusing to do something for no good reason. She would have one.

I can't imagine the teacher allowing her to refuse with no consequence. Still, if you think there is a possibility, then you are right to not get the principal involved without getting all the facts.