Inside My Brain

[lcdc1]

Have you ever hotwired a car - that is what I feel like all the time. I feel like I have crossed my wires tonight and am just ready to explode!!! It is heck to be me!!!

[jj]

Ah, shoot LC. I'm sorry your feeling that way. When you feel this way does it help to get out of the house and go running or climbing rocks or something?

[lostmyshoe]

Hope your having a good week lcdc and you too jj. Feeling overwhelmed myself with all of my upcoming projects for work. Looking forward to the weekend and a nice Easter. Wishing you a very nice Easter.

[lcdc1]

sorry I have not really been around in awhile - busy, busy like all of you.

I came back to this thread tonight to ask you a serious question (yup, I know I am usually a cut up, just cannot help myself). You know I do pretty well when the stimulation is high and I can put out at crunch time, people can rely on me in a bind and emergency situation, well my mind just kicks into GO gear and all that.

OK - to the point - when things are going right in my life according to what normal should be - I tend to screw it up? Is that an adhd thing do you all think. Like my kids are good, I am doing good at work, I even got this performance bonus thing and hve not got one in a long time, I am talking to people and helping friends - so that is what the good life is like - right?

Soooooo - why am I so hyped up and in overdrive? It is like all of the sudden I need to screw things up or something? I am tense, sore, sleepless again, short fused, hyper, on the 10 second rule of screwing up by being impulsive - so what the heck is wrong with me?

[lcdc1]

Here is my latest ranting and raving in the world of LCdc:

I am hotwired, I am on fire, always have been,
always will be, I cannot ever hope to fit the mold of
someone else’s making.

I would be lying to myself and to those that
know me to believe it could be any other way.

What happens when the oxygen is no longer there?
Do I just fizzle out, do I just cease to exist, no,
there is no way, I have left that wrinkle in time, that
sectional void of space as the black hole introverts itself
into another dimension.

I will always be, too bad it is the wrong way to be!!
I will always be someone’s mistake, someone’s example
of what the hell not to do!!

Why do I hate myself so much,
why do I pretend I don’t? Why am I needed in this
world? I am needed, it just does not make sense to me?

I want peace, I want calm, I want to just be!!!

[John]

LC ~

Sometimes when it seems things are going OK for me, it doesn't feel ''right''. I'm so used to the chaos, confusion, self-doubt, and negativity in my mind & life. So when all that 'stuff' isn't banging on my 'door' it just feels, well '''not right'' and maybe kinda scary too. That's when for a moment, like the fog dissipating from the rays of the morning sunshine, I have something similar to clarity of 'me' or a part of me.

This may not translate well into a rational concept but it's as close as words can describe . . .

[charliegirl]

Thats a good poem Lc. You are quite talented to be able to express yourself that way.

I do have to say that I don't see you as an example of what not to be. You are a success story. You have a great career that suits you to a T, plus you are doing a fantastic job as a parent to your girls.

To me, you are an example of what an ADHDer can achieve if she is willing to look for her strengths and use them. I don't see you as a failure in any way.

[lcdc1]

Thanks - maybe it is not a failure in the true sense of the word as most people see it - I am a functioning adhd'er and I get by and then a little more. Maybe the better word is just conflicted.

That is kind of my point, maybe? I should feel good, successful, happy with the achievments I have made, I should thank god that I made it this far and there is probably more good things to come, I should just do and not think so much.

There must be a balance out there for me, I find it every now and then, get a taste of it when I live for the moment in a good way, not live for the moment in a bad way.

It just hurts my head to be in this mode at times, I keep thinking I won't go through these valleys of negativity anymore, I like the adhd peaks, just don't want the adhd valleys because they are not good and nice to be in. It is that cycle of failure - you know the one - the screw up mode!!! It is like I keep thinking I should just grow up, I am a 40 something screw up at times, there has to be an end to it?

[charliegirl]

lcdc1 said:

It just hurts my head to be in this mode at times, I keep thinking I won't go through these valleys of negativity anymore, I like the adhd peaks, just don't want the adhd valleys because they are not good and nice to be in. It is that cycle of failure - you know the one - the screw up mode!!! It is like I keep thinking I should just grow up, I am a 40 something screw up at times, there has to be an end to it?

That was very well said. I can totally relate, unfortunately.

[lcdc1]

How does my brain feel today? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, bad, clueless, outta control, wasteful, incompetent, fighting itself!!!

My brain feels like it is fighting itself, it is hard to explain real well, but it is like I know that I am a good person, I am successful in most things I do, I make some good choices when it counts - BUT then, there is the mode I am in right now, right here.

BAD choices - no sleep, no food, drinking in a bad way the past 2 nights to try to quiete my brain, I am confused and I am down on myself. I am so super hyper in a non constructive way. I am having nightmares when I sleep because my brain is this way - nightmares about wrecking my car, or my car being wrecked, trains wrecking, people calling for me to help them and I cannot find them.................... YUCK.

I thought I would just share that with you all for no reason.