Tried Again

[katiekat]

There have been two things I haven't let Sean do for almost a year now because of his safety and the way he treats others kids. It has just become easier to avoid certain situations. I figured we would give them a try again since the weather was getting nice and if he is not given a chance things will never improve.
The first is letting him play in the yard. I have not let him do this because he does dangerous things when he is out there. The thing that made me stop this was him climbing the fence and disappearing around the block and also he hid in the bed of a neighbor's pick-up truck. I decided I would let him play in the yard while I read in the sunroom so I could see him. I told him he could start out at 15 minutes outside and if things went well he would earn my trust and I would lengthen the time. 5 minutes later he takes off and is in the middle of the street. I give him a warning and 5 minutes later he is gone again and by the time I get to the front of the house he is across the street. 2nd warning. He then goes to the side of the house and is intentionally pegging the neighbors car in their driveway with a tennis ball. Time to come in-he is not ready for this yet I see. Sigh.
Next thing is having a friend over to play. I did everything I could to set this up for success. Of the kids he mentioned wanting to come over I chose the most laid back easygoing kid. I made it short(an hour and a half) and had things planned. They played at the school playground after school for a bit and then we went home. I gave them a snack and then I had bought paint sets for each one so there would be no problem there. After that they wanted to play a video game in Sean's room. I knew this would come up so I had saved all my laundry to fold and put away upstairs so I could keep an eye on things. Not 2 minutes later I hear Sean saying "no, thats my favorite toy you cant touch it, and thats my favorite too, and so is that and that and that." Then he says "Every toy in my room is my favorite so you just can't touch anything but you can watch me play the game." Then the other kid says "You aren't being a very nice friend, no wonder nobody likes you at school." Now Sean gets all depressed and I see this isn't working so I take them outside. There's about 15 minutes until the dad picks up the kid and when he pulls into the driveway he is in the car before I can blink. Not ready for this either I guess. It was stressful for me because I was on alert the entire time, the other child ended up being treated mean and Sean ended up sad.
I am going to call the social skills woman back and try to get him in there again. Now that he is on the Abilify and is calmer maybe he can go. Class starts in April and I hope she takes our insurance because we are already paying out of pocket for the psych and the therapist. He definitely needs some strategies before I can attempt this again as it ended miserably for all.

[misty]

Thats stinks KK. I think you were brave to try & I think you set everything up right for both activities. Afterward did you talk to him about what went wrong? Was he receptive? Its hard, but eventually he'll get there. Maybe next time you could set up a video tape & secretly tape the play date so he can SEE what went wrong & help come up with ideas to change things.

[charliegirl]

You did everything you could to set him up for success. I hope the social skills woman can help him.

I do like Misty's idea of taping a play date so he can see and you can discuss what he should have done versus what he did. Do you think he is capable of understanding and learning from it if you do that?

[katiekat]

We don't have a video recorder but I did talk to him about both situations. I told him that I cannot allow him to go outside to play because I cannot risk something happening to him. I told him we could try one more time on the next warm day but if he left the backyard one time that woud be the end of it.
I talked him about the way he acted and told him that the other boy came here to play and have fun and not being allowed to touch any of Sean's toys was not fun for him and probably hurt his feelings. I asked him how that would make him feel and he asked if we could try again with another child. I had to say no for now as the other child he wants to come over is much more high-strung and the outcome would most likely end up being physical.
I left a message at the social skills place.

[charliegirl]

Something I had to do with my son and it worked was I had him choose some toys which were really special to him and that another child could harm. I let him set those aside to not share and told him he had to share the others. I also stepped in immediately when I realized he was refusing to share and reminded him. He had toys destroyed by other kids in the past so I did allow him to keep special ones back.

He doesn't have the same issues as Sean so it may not work but maybe when he does have another play date you could try that and see what happens.

[bugsmom]

Awww, KK...my heart goes out to you. I think you did everything right for that playdate. It's just going to take Sean a little more time to be successful. I would definately set up another playdate for him. I know this sounds hard, but the more he practices being social, the more he'll learn.

I did the same thing that CG did when it was time to have friends over. Before the playdate I would ask Josh what toys he was not willing to share with a friend. I would let him put them in my closet and reminded him that the rest would be shared no matter what. This way Josh felt he had a little more control over the situation and he learned that he had to share with a friend. Being an only child he found this very difficult, but he eventually learned. Josh had some pretty bad playdates when he was Sean age so I feel for you. I know that Sean is much harder to deal with, but I think that if a child is willing to come over and have a playdate with him, I'd keep them going. But boy, its got to be tough!

Hang in there...the social class sounds like a great idea.