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Post by anon4now on May 24, 2008 7:39:58 GMT -5
I think your son got your point about the cookies. Very much so. Anon, I'm not sure how you approach your son when you know he did something wrong but everything I read says you never ask them "If they did something" or ask them "Why they did it". This just opens the door for lies. What you do instead is state matter-of-factly that, (and I'll use the cookie example), "I see you ate cookies because you have cookie crumbs all over your face. Go on to say, Now I need to find out how many you ate because ____________fill in the blank....or because you did this your punishment is ____________fill in the blank. If you can, just leave the room so they don't have an opportunity to deny, deny, deny or argue. I know I was so guilty of setting things up for Nikki to lie. I'm not sure if I ever truely got in the habit of not doing that. It is a hard thing to retrain yourself. The natural instinct is to ask, Why did you do that?! But really, in the end it it is better for everyone all around. You don't have to hear the lies which can be very upsetting and he isn't given the chance to lie which I'm sure he feels some sort of guilt over. Just a thought... And I might add, your very right about taking baby steps. The not asking etc was suggested by psychologist awhile ago. I suggested to hubby and he was all for it until he came home with a bad report in his book. The book just says "Morning activites - No" so he asked what happened. I asked hubby, what happened to Not asking, just delivering the consequence? His response was, I need to know what happened in order to know the type of consequence. And quite frankly, the consequence is, he doesn't get a star for the day. I'm trying to just bring everything back to level, but MAN! does that feel like paddling up river. I don't want to ask the teacher to elaborate more on the book, she already puts so much energy into my son. I'm going to try to make more of an effort to refrain from asking. And jill....I soooo know. In fact, I kept checking back with my posts and I thought, I hope everyone is enjoying their long weekend, and not worrying about my near-impossible problems. Thanks everyone for reading along with me. I really have few people to talk to. My husband even vented to a good friend (new parents of a 3 year old) and we haven't seen them since. I think they decided my son wasn't a good influence, or safe for their child. I say oh well, but I feel bad for my hubby. Anon |
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Post by jj on May 24, 2008 10:34:57 GMT -5
I so feel for you. My sister actually has the opposite problem. Her daughter is a huge handful and my sis's hubby totally lets his daughter get away with everything. So my sister is the only one who delves out discipline and is always the "bad guy".
You know, it really bugs me that it seems the Mom's are always the ones searching for help for their kids. Very seldom do we see men coming looking for suggestions or advise. Grrrr.
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Post by misty on May 24, 2008 10:39:22 GMT -5
JJ, its the same way here...I dole out the punishments & Bill undermines me by letting Shannon do what ever she wants. It drives me NUTS!
I think its important that parents get on the same page & provide a united front. Sadly, that's easier said than done. My DH is actually getting a BIT better, but I'm still the bad guy the majority of the time.
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Post by anon4now on May 26, 2008 8:35:32 GMT -5
Getting on the same page is sooo hard sometimes. I know I'm more relaxed with things, but by no means let the kids get away with everything.
My pitfall is, I will calmly repeat myself 5-6 times and practically ignore whatever they are doing, and then I just snap around the 7th time with this feeling like, Why the heck aren't they listening to me? Then I look back and realize I wasn't giving clear instructions and following through with my request. And they know how to walk all over me, so they are figuring they have 5 more times to do "it" until I freak.
My husband, on the flip side, doesn't give them one chance. I swear to god, he'll tell my son, "You have to the count of five to get moving...1...5! Lets go!"
Its funny too (like any of this is really funny) but his parents interact with our kids completely different than my parents. I just went to the park with my dad and asked him if he would take the kids to the playground so hubby and i could escape for a little bit. When we got back, my son was wandering around a different part of the park while my dad was playing with the baby. We asked my son why he wandered off (He did ask, so ok) but hubby really wanted me to explain why that wasn't ok for my son to my dad. I mean, it was only a few days ago he lost control and hit the baby in the lip. What if some other kid upset him? And then we're terrified of the kids getting kidnapped or something. It was just "Not ok." I didn't say anything to my dad. But the next time we do something like that, we'll make it more clear he's not to wander off.
But...I think both of my parents just "let me do what I was going to do." I didn't get in trouble hardly ever. And when I was a teenager I got into little 'tifs, but I was a clean kid and really gave my parents little reason to worry or grief.
My husband on the other hand grew up in a very dangerous city, he's seen more by his 18th b-day than I have as of today. He stayed clean and feels as though that was against the odds. His dad was tough, but not without reason. He's told me he stayed out of trouble because he was afraid of his dad.
Well, that's my story anyways. I'm very chatty this morning. thanks for listening, as always.
Anon
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