Therapy????

[Tigger]

Losty,

I know what you are saying. But why is it every time we go up to the therapist, I end up feeling bad or maybe it is a guilty feeling. The therapist are really nice. And I feel they know what they are doing, but I just get this horrible feeling.

We start a family session for the first time this wednesday. So I will know some what on what is going on. I want my kids to come and talk to me. I really dont want them in therapy, but there pysch wants them there. Maybe I feel like I am going to loose them. I really dont know, but I know I just dont feel right. Do any of you ever feel this way??? Maybe I am the only one that feels like this. How do I know I am doing the right thing??? I am just upset and I feel like a looser that my kids have to go to one.

[charliegirl]

Tigger, you just got rid of the therapist from hades so its natural to be nervous. Until you have been with one long enough to really know him or her, it would be hard to trust.

Just remember that this one came well recommended. That has to count for something.

You are a good parent and your kids love you. You won't lose them just because they talk to someone else. My daughter was in therapy for 2 years and I really think it made our relationship better.

A good therapist is going to help your kids understand that you love them and are there for them even when you make mistakes, which we all do. They don't undermine the parent but try to help the child understand that no one is perfect but they can love you anyway.

[Tigger]

You made since charliegirl, thanks. I will still have these feelings, and I think you made it clear to me why I am feeling this way. I had a therapist that tore and made wrong thoughts on me and mike, so this is going to be hard for awhile. But I still feel so horrible Maybe after wednesday I will feel alot better.

[sweetnsilly26]

I guess my thoughts are that they think I am not a good mother thats why my child needs therapy...that they are trying to get something bad on me to take my kids away..because I must be doing something wrong.......this is not just paranoia..lol....We do spank in our house, my hubbys punishment is spanking more than mine and the therapist let me know up front he was/is ADHD and his parents used a belt on him and basically what I got from it is that he does not want me to spank or punish her for her behavior because she is ADHD and she forgets and can't stay on track.

But I know that my hubby is persistant and she doesn't act o adhd with him....he could keep her all day without med and not really have to get on her. So I don't understand if her ADHD makes her not know what shes doing wrong or she forgets to do what I tell he to do then how come if daddy gets her she doesn't forget. anyway

can they take your child away because you spank them? my children have never had a bruise on their butt from spanking. and alot of people say our children are so well behaved.

[jj]

Sweet, I think it has been this way for ages.... that kids seem to obey the father more than the mother. In my opinion it is because men promote more of a fear and women are usually the ones to cuddle and hug and I hate to say it but to let more things slide.

I don't think there is any law in any state (anyone, please correct me if I'm wrong ) that says you can't spank. I know I've heard many stories of kids calling the police because they were spanked and the police sided with the parent. However, I think this can be walking on shaky ground if you spank because most parents aren't sure where the line is drawn. What is punishment and what is considered abuse.

This is such a controversial subject but I will give you some tips I've learned from volunteering in a abuse center:

First of all, talk to your kids about what their punishment will be so they always know. For example: What will warrant a spanking. What will warrant a time out. What will warrant taking away toys/games/tv time, etc. And stick to it. Make some rules and stick to them.

Do not use any object to spank...just use your hand.

Do not do it when you are angry. I know...that is a tough one because spanking is usually done when you are at your wits end but this is what you do: Tell the child what they did broke the rules and they are going to be spanked but right now you are sending them to their rooms (or where-ever) for time-out. (This give you a chance to cool off) I think this one is especially difficult for an ADHD child because immediate consequences are so important. The only suggestion I have dealing with an ADHD child is maybe send them to their room with a paper and make them write, for example, "I will not hit my brother with a bat" 20 times just to keep their minds on what they did while you cool off.

Use spanking when all else has failed or if the child did a dangerous thing.

And one thing to keep in mind. If someone sees you spanking they may look at it as abuse. I'm not saying it is...but some people think so.

And another thought. Is spanking keeping the child from doing the same thing over and over? If the answer is no then spanking is not working.

Sorry, I feel like I am lecturing. I don't mean to. And Sweet, I would be nervous too about the whole thing. I think that is normal.

[misty]

Well, I don't believe in spanking. I think regularly hitting a child only teaches him or her to hit others. And I've only ever spanked Shannon ONCE & that was to stop her from running onto a busy street when she was around 3 or 4.

I looked up spanking laws & found a list of spanking statutes, each state handles it differently. Heres the state to state guide:

www.familyrightsassociation.com/info/spanking_laws.htm

[jj]

Funny how the wording is so different in each state yet when you really read it most (not all) can be interpreted the same way. Law writers....sheesh.

Thanks Misty.

[jill]

Relax therapy is not a bad thing and it is good for a child or teen to have someone nuetral to talk to for growth and it does not mean they will never confide in you ever again. It is done to get all point of views to help the family to see where everyone is coming from for everyone has their own perceptions and beliefs. Sorry it is the social worker in me talking.

[charliegirl]

Sweet, thats a tough one. I was spanked as a child and all it did was give me a fear of authority figures.

I loved my parents and wasn't afraid of them unless I knew a spanking was coming. It didn't really stop me, it just made me more sneaky about what I was doing if I knew it would get me in trouble. People thought I was such a good kid but they didn't have to live with me. I did put on a good show in public but it was out of fear.

It took me years as an adult to realize I didn't have to be afraid of adults I assumed had the right to spank me. I still have a hard time standing up for myself.

I have spanked my kids. I will spank my grandchildren if its necessary. My rule is that if the spanking will serve to keep them from getting a serious injury, it is justified. As Misty said, keeping them from running into the street is one. I also slap fingers which won't stay away from electrical outlets and other things that could hurt them badly. Staying away from water such as a pond, creek, pool without an adult is justified. I think you get the picture. If they have to learn and learn fast that they will be hurt by doing something, I'd rather they were hurt by me out of love than paralyzed or dead or missing an appendage.

I wouldn't stay with my husband if he hit me. I won't allow anyone to hit my kids. Its a tough call sometimes and I'd rather have kids who weren't perfect in public than to have them be afraid or feel abused.

Please don't feel that I am judging you. The Bible says spare the rod and spoil the child, so I believe there is a place for spanking. Unless your husband spanks a lot, I wouldn't worry about it. If every little thing results in a spanking, I would be on his case if I were in your shoes. (Actually, I went through this with my husband)

I think that your therapist has really bad memories of being spanked so is more sensitive than someone who grew up with judicious use of spanking.

If you believe your husband isn't being abusive and the therapist is making you afraid that he will turn you in, then maybe you should consider getting another one. Possibly the one you have could give you some pointers of things that work without having to resort to spanking.

[jj]

charliegirl said:

If you believe your husband isn't being abusive and the therapist is making you afraid that he will turn you in, then maybe you should consider getting another one. Possibly the one you have could give you some pointers of things that work without having to resort to spanking.

It sounds like the laws in your state, Sweet, are pretty open to spanking as a decipline. I have to agree with Charliegirl, if you aren't comfortable with this therapist then you may want to look for a new one. I kind of get the feeling he may be biased and that would make me a bit nervous even if you know you aren't doing anything wrong/excessive/abusive.

I was spanked once in my whole life when I was about 4 years old because my Dad just had it with me and my tantrum throwing. As an adult looking back I know I deserved it but I'll never forget the humiliation I felt and anger. Oh boy was I mad! I never did have a good relationship with my Dad and I know this played a rather big role in how I felt about him. Honestly, I felt I hated him. I don't know if my relationship with my Dad has anything to do with why I too, like Charliegirl, have a problem with authority figures. (I have often wonder exactly why I do have problems with authority figures so I feel this is interesting..which is why I commented about it)

I can debate for both sides on the spanking issue and make a pretty good case for both so I'm not judging anyone if they spank or don't spank. It is the excessive spanking that I have a problem with. I just think spanking should only be used as a last resort or when a child is in danger and the law does lean toward that way of thinking in some states. But even more important than that is consistancy and fairness in the decipline.

I mean, there have been times out in public I saw a parent jerk his/her child and smack them so hard it just made me sick and usually over the child whining they want a toy or something. No, that is not decipline fitting the crime. That is abuse!

Oh! I better stop now, I'm getting into debate mode.