behavior at school

[fightforhisrights]

My son is 14 and he has adhd, oppositional defiant disorder, and depression. He is mainstreamed but still recieving services under IDEA. he has behavioral problems at school as well as at home. He is very defiant, always angry, always blaming others and direspectful. He is also forgetful, depressed, low self esteem, and no matter what you ask him to do he will yell at you and find a reason why it is "unfair" for you to ask him to do it! I need opinions for developing behavior modifications and supports for school. He is on a stupid demerit system that is not good for any child because it focuses on bad behavior instead of positive behavior but it is really bad for a special needs child. Do you have suggestions? PLEASE!!!! He gets punished for not staying on task, forgetting materials, being disrespectful to teachers and students, fighting, usually verbal, and not repecting others personal space. When he receives a certain number of demerits he is given in school suspension which obviously doesn't help anything. He can not stay in a cubicle and work non stop without getting bored so he gets additional days. If he taps his pencil he gets additional days. Stupid right? Anyway the principal does not want to do away with the demerit system but I hate it for various reasons. Any help will be appreciated! i am so frustrated trying to deal with this. I usually don't let it get the best of me but today is not one of my good days. Guess I just needed to vent but I would like your opinions. I am trying to advocate for my son and be sure his needs are met.

[charliegirl]

Welcome to the site! Many of us have been where you are now and/or are still there. It sure isn't easy.

Have you talked to the principal about a reward system for good behavior with goals he can reasonably be expected to meet? He could get points toward a reward each time he meets a goal and maybe an extra few if he meets every goal for the day.

Something else the school may find helps would be to give him frequent breaks. The teacher could ask him to sharpen a pencil or take a note to someone to give him the chance to get away for few seconds or minutes. Often that is all they need.

Hang in there! Its hard but we are here for you. You can vent to us all you need to. We know how therapeutic that can be.

[misty]

Hi & Welcome!

It sounds like you've talked to the principal & he's unwilling to bend...am I understanding that correctly? I suggest you arm yourself with any data you can find (And there's a lot out there) that explains why kids with ADHD, ODD, etc, cannot thrive under that type of punishment system. When you are armed, meet again with the principal. Does he have any type of IEP?If so, call an IEP meeting. If not, & the principal won't bend, then take your data to the person in charge of special ed. in your district. If you cannot get them to help you get your son on a better system, then you may need to find an advocate. You can get a free advocate through your state's education system.

It may seem like a lot to go through, but I can tell you'll do what ever you can to get your son what he needs to exceed. There are others who will chime in I'm sure, who know the ins & outs of the education system better than I do.

[momofthree]

???Yes, sorry for what you are going through. Misty is right. The IEP is the place for you to start. He obviously can't learn this way, and the punishment does not work. Did you ever read Rick LaVoie's books. I saw him in a seminar and he states "isn't a child with these problems already punished enough? Hang in there and hopefully you will get somewhere with the IEP.

[unicorn]

Yes go with the advice of Misty and momofthree. Call for an IEP meeting and force the issue. It took 3 years of me pushing the school, but finally got an IEP for my daughter at the end of November.

We are here for you! Welcome.

[carol]

On the home end, since you describe as angry and depressed, possibly give hime some sort of outlet where he can succeed. Is he interested in anything? Sport? Art? I know it is harder when they are older, but I never give up. It may be expensive, but art therapy is ideal for children who need to let out those negative emotions and express themselves in a more positive way. Talk therapy or some kind of group may give him some comfort that he is not alone. The point system is something my son's special ed school does and it is really wonderful. He needs some successes. I know these principals and teachers have their own opinions, but key for them is to stay objective, a quality some do not have. Children pick up on that and seem to act out more and become angrier. The outlets might help him feel like he is liked. Find a good one and explain your child's issues so they have a heads up. You are in my thoughts.

[lcdc1]

I have read your post a couple of times and I guess the only thing I can say to you is he is very lucky to have a supportive and caring parent like you. It just brings up a lot of memories for me as a kid that are not so good. Hang in there, be on his side, listen, give positive feedback and know that even though you may not see it at times, he will focus on the good stuff you gave him down the road to help him, I wish that the other people in his life would find ways to give him a break also so that he can fall back onto his strengths and successes instead of feeling like he is fighting the world!

Carol brings up some great points, I think art and sports were one of the outlets that helped a lot when I was a kid, you just have to be very careful with the whole art thing, art should be a way for people to really express themselves without being judged or it does not do a lot of good. If your kid can express himself that way, it is good, but do not use it against these kids if they can express their emotions and stuff in that way.

[lillian]

Has your son ever had a functional behavior analysis (FBA)? This should have been done before his behavior intervention plan (BIP) was written at school. All BIP's should include positive behaviors the child possesses and is commended for, not just focus on the negative behaviors. I strongly suggest you go to wrightslaw.com and look up FBA's and BIP's. There's excellent information on that site for parents of children with behavior issues. There are also a couple of books that are recommended on the site that are useful for writing BIP's. After researching and reading, if you find that your child's school has not taken the proper protocal writing his BIP, I, again, STRONGLY suggest you hire an advocate, who specializes in behavior issues. Anytime a parent has a child, who is categorized as EBD on an IEP because of violent behavior (in your son's case, fighting), I always, always, always say, "Hire an advocate!"

[notellin]

When I got a functional behavior evaluation, consequences at school were dropped. Basically, the school doesn't know what they are doing, and they need someone to help them. You could draft a letter outlining how long they have been using the demerit system, and the lack of progress --giving analysis that concludes it is not working? Ask for a behavior assessment by a behavior specialist (not by the school psyche). They have a certain number of days to respond to your written request -- I think they either need to give you a Prior Written Notice denying or an Assessment Plan. You have a right to one of those. I would start a documentation trail at this point, pounding on the demerit system. For example, if he gets a demerit for not staying on task and comes home making negative comments at school, document that you think the demerits are affecting his self-concept. And why not toss in that giving demerits for ADHD symptoms is discrimination,and the IDEA protects your son from discrimination, and you have serious concerns about the demerit system based on this....personally, I would go to town with the documentation.

[jill]

My girl has ODD too and to me their merit system is too negative it should be positive based. My other problem with it is he is being punished for things he may not be able to control. As for what to do contact someone in your area to advocate with you in behalf of your son.