Go in or stay out?

[bugsmom]

Here it is, only the second week of school, and I'm already needing advice!

OK...so here is my dilemma. I have always driven Josh to and from school, he goes to a small private school and they have no bus service. So anyway, in the mornings I just drop him off at the door, but after school I have always gone into school, checked his bag, planner, and homework to make sure everything comes home that needs to. Well, almost daily he would be missing something (as we mothers of ADDers know), so I'd just send him back into class to get it...no problem. Well, I told him this summer that now he was going into 6th grade, that he really needed to be responsible for making sure everything got home. I told him that if he was going to the local middle school, mommy wouldn't be running in to check his bag for homework, so this was the year he needed to buck up and do it for himself. He had absolutely no problem with this, in fact, he thought it was great. So, I start picking him up in the drive thru line. So as you can all guess, NOT SO GREAT. Every single day he has been in school thus far, he has forgotten something. It's either his planner, an english assignment, a math paper, and so on. He even forgot his lunch box last Thursday that sat in the school till today because of the holiday. His grapes looked like rasins and the smell was gross! So today he forgot his spelling workbook. He has a test tomorrow and no words to study from. Not only that, I went on the school website to check assignments for the day and he forgot to finish one page in his workbook! So now when he gets to class tomorrow, he will automatically get a homework note because it is due first thing in the morning. Well, he was ok with the other stuff, but today he got really down on himself. He was so mad at himself and kept on calling himself stupid.

So heres my question...should I stick it out and just let him keep messing up, or should I go back to picking him up inside and checking his bag? I want him so badly to be able to do these things on his own, but I hate to see him beat himself up. I know he can't help it, but gosh, when is he going to be able to do this on his own? The thing that kills me is that his job for this week is to write all the daily assignments on the dry erase board! He wrote it down TWICE...once on the board for the class and once in his planner and STILL didn't bring the right book home!

I so want to stick to my guns, but the mother bear in me wants to help him out! What do you suggest?

[jj]

Bugs,
Do you think you could put a list of things he needs to remember every day and attach it to some inside part of his book bag. I know you couldn't list every thing but maybe having that reminder would free up his mind to remember the things not on the list.

[misty]

Ohhh...this is a hard one. I'd say as hard as it is, you need to let him face the consequences on his own. Eventually he'll start remembering more & more once he realizes mom isn't going to bail him out. I haven't gone in to check Shannon's bag after school since 4th grade & even though she occasionally forgets something, its not very often since she learned that she'll get in trouble at school if she doesn't have what she needs.

[bugsmom]

Misty, I totally agree! I don't want to have to do it, but I know him and he generally does not learn from these types of mistakes. That's what worries me. The end of the day is always so hectic for him, just too much going on and too much to remember.

I'm going to stick it out...he didn't ask me to come back into the building, but I know he wants me to suggest it. Maybe he will learn from this, I guess I should give it more than two weeks, huh? The rule is, that I won't drive back to school. I can get in the building anytime, but I'm just not going to do it and he knows that. He didn't even ask me to today...but boy his little face about killed me.

JJ...I had to laugh about the notes...I am the Queen of Post-its! I put them in his bag, in his planner, and would probably put one on his forehead if he'd let me! It's a great idea, but I think he's immuned to them now! Hee Hee! I do love the idea of a list...like a little check list he could have to just look at everyday and just check it off in his head! I'm going to do that...Thank you so much!!!!!

[puzzled]

Is he on a 504, or an IEP? Can you possibly get him an extra set of books for at home? That one accommodation has been such a godsend for me and Chase. The english teacher this year even gave me an extra workbook for home....Chase cannot write in it, but if he forgets his, he is allowed to do the work on notebook paper.

Last year, the school gave me the set of books w/o a 504...but not many schools are that nice, I know.

I truly feel your pain...Chase rides the bus, and more days than not, before the extra books, we were going back to school, or he was taking the homework clinics.....

[charliegirl]

Is there a spot where you can pull off the road and have him check his bookbag against the checklist you are going to set up? You could also have him double check his homework assignments and make sure he has everything he needs. That way, he can run back in for the stuff if he forgets anything but he is still on his own.

Maybe you could think up a special reward if he gets through an entire week without forgetting something. You may have to ask his teachers to let you know if there was anything missing he didn't bother to tell you about, but it would be an incentive to him.

[lostmyshoe]

Hi Bugs,

I can so understand how you feel. I've always had to double check Becca's assignments because if they are not written on the board she doesn't always catch the announcements. I've also had a second set of books at home. This is something they do on the 504 plan. Our school also has a phone system to call and check on homework and other assignments and a website to check homework, classwork and grades. In High School next year she will be more on her own, so I am praying this year she will be better about listening for assignments. By keeping in touch with her teachers I can definitely tell the difference when Becca is just being lazy or she actually did miss a verbal announcement of an assignment. If it's a situation of being purposely lazy and careless she knows there will be consequences. I think there are times when they really do need some backup. As they get older you kind of know the difference when they actually need help or when they are just being lazy and careless. I am backing off some this year and I am going to see what happens. Becca knows she needs to do well this year because next year is High School so I'm hoping that will prompt her to be more diligent. The fact that Josh gets down on himself about it indicates that he cares and he can't help forgetting some things. The girls made some good suggestions and I hope things work out for you. I also hope you don't find any more dried up stinky grapes, LOL. Best of luck. I know how ya feel.