Post by unicorn on Apr 22, 2008 8:30:24 GMT -5
Q: What do I do when my son is so angry and frustrated that he throws things, gets physical and continues to lose privileges for weeks at a time?
A: We are big believers in setting clear expectations, rules and consequences; keeping your "promises" (i.e. enforcing consequences calmly and matter-of-factly. "If you hit your brother again, I promise you will lose your video games tonight.") and making consequences count.
When, however, your child begins racking up penalties and the consequences no longer seem to matter, then you know this is a different issue.
Imagine you send your child out to paint the fence. At the end of the day, you notice he hasn't done anything. So you scold him, "For every day you don't paint this fence, you are going to lose your video games for a week." After a few days of not making any progress, you discover that you never gave your son a paintbrush or paint-he simply didn't have the tools to do it.
In this case, we must be proactive and equip our kids with the tools to deal with their anger and frustration. Anger and frustration are okay-expressing these feelings in negative, hurtful or dangerous ways is not. Here are 10 ways I equip an angry, frustrated child with the tools to respond appropriately to disappointment.
(1) Build confidence and positive experiences by helping them find expression for their natural gifts, talents and passions. This is what makes us come alive and will retip the inner scales from negative to positive.
(2) Give your intensity to positive attitudes and actions. When our kids mess up, they immediately get our intense, emotional involvement. Begin giving this same kind of positive praise when they make good choices, show self-control and deal appropriately with disappointment. "I am so proud of you for staying calm even when you were upset. That shows me you are growing up." Praise often for small progress.
(3) Model calm. When you are disappointed or something breaks in the house, do you stomp around, snap at your spouse or get frustrated? Your actions and behavior are the loudest lecture you can give your kids. When they see the adults in the home responding calmly, it makes them accountable to do the same.
(4) Role play and practice. All learning is repetitive so it is critical that you role play common situations that trigger meltdowns while you and your child are in a positive, content mode. Walk through the emotions that go through your child's head when the disappointment occurs. Develop 3 or 4 calming activities that your child can do when he is upset (see below). Then physically walk through what your child is going to do next time he is upset-take a deep breath, give a hand signal, go to the Calm Corner and build with Legos for eight minutes (always make time limits interesting!) or until he is calm.
(5) Create a relaxing Calm Corner or dedicated place where you keep calming activities for your kids-crayons and paper, arts and crafts, Legos, books, music. Maybe even have a bean bag chair or something comfy that calms them.
(6) Use exercise. If your child has sensory needs, having a trampoline, exercise ball, punching bag (not his sister!) or swing can be a great way to calm down and burn off stress. So maybe the routine when angry is to go jump 107 times on the trampoline, then come talk about the issue. Practice it.
(7) Use non-verbals such as music, sign language or hand signals. When your child is upset, your voice is grating and irritating. And I bet his is, too! So agree on some hand signals (like the "time out" sign in sports), sign language or another non-verbal to create some space and time.
(8) Use music. As we'll see in future newsletters, music is a great tool to use for calming and learning. Have your child create a Calm CD that you play whenever he's upset.
(9) Space and time are important. There is no rule that says you have to deal with issues right in the moment. In fact, it is best if you enforce a cooling down time-create some space so that you and your child can be separated for a few minutes while you both cool down.
(10) Give your child purposeful missions. One of our favorite strategies for anxious kids is to give them a purposeful activity of some kind. Do the same when your child is angry. Giving them something else to focus on can be helpful. Again, practice and role play doing this over and over.
When your child comes back after his cooling down period, praise him for taking the right steps (even if he yelled for the first couple minutes-recognize progress). Talk while you are doing something else-cooking, sitting and playing with Legos together, drawing, swinging, taking a walk or a drive. Make it relaxing and non-threatening. Don't worry about eye contact-you don't want a defensive child. You want to create an environment in which your child can talk about his disappointment and you can problem solve.
Keep building your child up and providing as many positive experiences in his life as possible. This will greatly diffuse the underlying anger and frustration he feels.
A: We are big believers in setting clear expectations, rules and consequences; keeping your "promises" (i.e. enforcing consequences calmly and matter-of-factly. "If you hit your brother again, I promise you will lose your video games tonight.") and making consequences count.
When, however, your child begins racking up penalties and the consequences no longer seem to matter, then you know this is a different issue.
Imagine you send your child out to paint the fence. At the end of the day, you notice he hasn't done anything. So you scold him, "For every day you don't paint this fence, you are going to lose your video games for a week." After a few days of not making any progress, you discover that you never gave your son a paintbrush or paint-he simply didn't have the tools to do it.
In this case, we must be proactive and equip our kids with the tools to deal with their anger and frustration. Anger and frustration are okay-expressing these feelings in negative, hurtful or dangerous ways is not. Here are 10 ways I equip an angry, frustrated child with the tools to respond appropriately to disappointment.
(1) Build confidence and positive experiences by helping them find expression for their natural gifts, talents and passions. This is what makes us come alive and will retip the inner scales from negative to positive.
(2) Give your intensity to positive attitudes and actions. When our kids mess up, they immediately get our intense, emotional involvement. Begin giving this same kind of positive praise when they make good choices, show self-control and deal appropriately with disappointment. "I am so proud of you for staying calm even when you were upset. That shows me you are growing up." Praise often for small progress.
(3) Model calm. When you are disappointed or something breaks in the house, do you stomp around, snap at your spouse or get frustrated? Your actions and behavior are the loudest lecture you can give your kids. When they see the adults in the home responding calmly, it makes them accountable to do the same.
(4) Role play and practice. All learning is repetitive so it is critical that you role play common situations that trigger meltdowns while you and your child are in a positive, content mode. Walk through the emotions that go through your child's head when the disappointment occurs. Develop 3 or 4 calming activities that your child can do when he is upset (see below). Then physically walk through what your child is going to do next time he is upset-take a deep breath, give a hand signal, go to the Calm Corner and build with Legos for eight minutes (always make time limits interesting!) or until he is calm.
(5) Create a relaxing Calm Corner or dedicated place where you keep calming activities for your kids-crayons and paper, arts and crafts, Legos, books, music. Maybe even have a bean bag chair or something comfy that calms them.
(6) Use exercise. If your child has sensory needs, having a trampoline, exercise ball, punching bag (not his sister!) or swing can be a great way to calm down and burn off stress. So maybe the routine when angry is to go jump 107 times on the trampoline, then come talk about the issue. Practice it.
(7) Use non-verbals such as music, sign language or hand signals. When your child is upset, your voice is grating and irritating. And I bet his is, too! So agree on some hand signals (like the "time out" sign in sports), sign language or another non-verbal to create some space and time.
(8) Use music. As we'll see in future newsletters, music is a great tool to use for calming and learning. Have your child create a Calm CD that you play whenever he's upset.
(9) Space and time are important. There is no rule that says you have to deal with issues right in the moment. In fact, it is best if you enforce a cooling down time-create some space so that you and your child can be separated for a few minutes while you both cool down.
(10) Give your child purposeful missions. One of our favorite strategies for anxious kids is to give them a purposeful activity of some kind. Do the same when your child is angry. Giving them something else to focus on can be helpful. Again, practice and role play doing this over and over.
When your child comes back after his cooling down period, praise him for taking the right steps (even if he yelled for the first couple minutes-recognize progress). Talk while you are doing something else-cooking, sitting and playing with Legos together, drawing, swinging, taking a walk or a drive. Make it relaxing and non-threatening. Don't worry about eye contact-you don't want a defensive child. You want to create an environment in which your child can talk about his disappointment and you can problem solve.
Keep building your child up and providing as many positive experiences in his life as possible. This will greatly diffuse the underlying anger and frustration he feels.
