Moral Imperatives counterproductive for the ADHD m

[lcdc1]

I wanted to share something that sounds so simple when I talk about it, but acting on it is very hard.

I had a head doc visit yesterday morning and I had been wound up for a few days so when I went in there, it was all OK, I talked, the doc talked, we both talked some things out. But, in the last 10 minutes of our coaching sesssion he asked me if I remembered what Moral Imperatives were? I did and I will tell you what they are in a minute. Anyway he said that I had been using them the whole time in there and that my homework this week is to conciously try to stop using them. It will be very hard as most of the time, these are habitual for the adult ADHD'er from a lifetime of frustration!

A moral imperative is when you have expectations of people, things, or situations that use key words such as these; I should.......... I need............. I will....................... I have to................. I must...........! You fill in the blanks, there are many more, but you get the gist. These are words that have no flexibility, you have to do them or you fail!

So words I "want" to try to use instead are like these; I want to............, I would like to try..................., I hope.................., etc...

These words leave more room for forgiveness of yourself and others.

When I think I am not good as something or did not do right, I call myself stupid, hopeless, an idiot, and words much too descriptive to repeat - I beat myself up because of the moral imperatives that I habitually use.

So, maybe some of you are in a similar situation, think about it and try to change some of it. It is hard, beleive me, I know.

Another thing is learn to take compliments from someone else, if you say oh no, I did not do a good job, or I am not a good writer, etc...... you are discrediting the speaker and minimizing what they are telling you! I never looked at it like that, but the head doc pointed that out also to work on. OK, hope you get it, that is a long thread I wrote - phewwwww!

[trid]

That is really interesting! I think I do that alot. Although, with my sons, I tend to say, "It would be nice if... (you clean your room, mow the lawn)" and then I get angry that they didn't do it. But I didn't really tell them that I expected them to do it.

It is so hard to say the right thing all the time. You are doing well to recognize what needs changed, even though it isn't always easy.

I recall a class I was in where we were required to use only positive words. Not and no were disallowed. It is really hard! Try it for 10 minutes in a conversation. "Did you wash put your clothes in the laundry?" would be answered "I'll go do that right now" instead of No.

Good luck making the changes. I'd like to use the method for myself. I'd like to clean my house too. I'll try to be happy if I accomplish either this month!

[lcdc1]

hahahaha, I hope you give it a good try! Seems simple, NOT! ;D

[charliegirl]

Thanks Lc. I tend to use that way of speaking to myself a lot. Iwill try to use words that don't cause me to see myself as a failure in the future.

[wetmores]

Does this ever hit close to home!

Why is it we call ourselves names we would never let our kids use? Or treat others better than we treat ourselves?

peace,
marge
www.net-haven.net

[John]

LC I've run across this concept before and it definitely needs repeating ~ repeating ~ repeating . . .

These are not concept used just by ADD'rs but ''nADD'rs'' (none ADD'rs) also.

Many people used these phrase; you should, you always, you never etc with there children and spouses because of unrealistic expectations and unmet needs. When used on children they can have devastating immediate and long lasting results.

When used within a marriage they tend to produce division, mistrust and resentment.

Lately when DW says things like '''I'm so stupid . . . '', I repley with something like: Well yes it was a mistake but that has nothing to do with your intelligence, why do you feel it's OK to verbally abuse yourself about what you did?

We, me and you have these ''loop-tapes'' playing in our minds background telling us about ourselves, others & the world. Our job is to 'sit up straight' when we hear them and say to ourselves, 'Is that really a true & an accurate desciption of what I know & feel about them, me and the world''.


OK, now ''Make It So''

[jj]

Interesting stuff, LC. I'm not going to try to write anything more about it because I attempted to several times and there were moral imperatives all over the place. So that's all I'm saying. LOL

[John]

JJ ~ It is Morally Imperative for you to respond . . .

[jj]

Aug 17, 2008 18:31:47 GMT -5 John said:

JJ ~ It is Morally Imperative for you to respond . . .

;D

[wetmores]

Hi all,

I have to tell you that this board is a breath of fresh air!

People being civil to one another. People with a sense of humor who do not think that their way of doing things is THE way of doing things.

thanks for reminding me why I fell in love with online communites in the first place.

peace,
marge
www.net-haven.net