Arguing withb teens

[misty]

I got this in a newsletter. It interested me & I thought I'd share it. I think I'll try changing my tactics & doing this next time Shannon sucks me into an argument:

You are About to Discover the The One Word that Will Allow You to:

* Control Any Argument with Your Child or Teen
* Give You Authority
* Command and Demand Respect
* Increase Your Dignity
* Show Your Child or Teenager that You're the One Who's in Control



When your child argues with you, it can:

* Destroy your authority
* Erode respect
* Frustrate you
* Leave you feeling helpless, not knowing what to do

Even if you get your way, the mere fact that you need to
argue with your child takes away from your position as the
parent, the one in charge.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

You can maintain control even when your child is arguing with
you. And you can do this with one word….

The word is 'and'…

Here is how it works:

Let's say that your child is arguing with you about something.

Let your child state his case without interrupting. If your
child is really heated up about the issue he may go on and on.
You can tell that he is out of ammunition when he starts to repeat himself.

Once your child has finished venting, now it is your turn.

You reply in a three part sentence.

In part one you address your child by name and restate your
child's position. This establishes that you are listening.

Part two is the word 'and'. The word 'and' is better than
'but' because 'but' implies conflict where the word 'and'
does not.

In reality you are not in conflict. You both want what is
best for your child. You just have different opinions of
what that is.

Part three is what you want your child to do and that he is
expected to comply. There is no further discussion on the
point, no further debate, and no negotiating on the matter.

How is your child going to respond to this approach?

He is going to hate it. Your child will be upset, he will
argue, he may scream about how unfair you are. However,
the most you ever do is to restate your original three part
statement.

There is no negotiating and explanations here. You may even
leave the room if you need to do so. Just don't get sucked
into an argument.

So this is what it sounds like:

"Mom, you are so unfair. All my friends are going away
skiing in Vermont this weekend and you are not letting me go."

"Yes, Suzie, you feel that I am being unfair not letting you
go and I maintain that you don't go."


"I can't stand it. You are treating me like a little child.
Why can't I go?"

"I understand Suzie that you feel that I am treating you like
a child and I am refusing to let you go."


"I hate you. You let Brad do anything he wants but you never
let me do anything."

"I understand, Suzie, that you feel that I let your older
brother do things and I don't let you do them and I am saying
you cannot go. Now please excuse me. I need to go to the
kitchen to get dinner ready."

Is this going to work every time? No. Nothing will work every
time. There is no magic here. However, what will happen is
that you will not get side tracked onto other issues.

You will walk away from these confrontations feeling empowered
and dignified, rather than feeling like a worn out rag.

The power of this strategy is that even when it doesn't make
a bad situation good, it does make it better than it would be
if you get sucked into the conflict.

Another great thing about this approach is that it works for
all ages. You can begin using this approach as soon as your
child is old enough to talk back and continue using it until
your child is old enough to move out of the house.


Warmly,

Anthony Kane, MD


addadhdadvances.com

[jfla]

that is such great advice!

It reminds me of a similar approach and goals that I heard on the radio before my first born could even talk. Steps one and two were also described by a psychologist ~thirty years ago. Good things don't change.

If I remember correctly, these approaches:
1)Restate: I hear that you (want, feel, need.......)
It seems to me that you....
I see that you......

2) State your position using the coupler "and" not "but" since "but" is a negative as you said. Here is where you add the family rule if you have one.


3) Your teenager will probably restate their case to which the parent is to repeat step one and two again.

4) Perhaps its on the teenager's third try, the parent says:
"I hear that you........and our rule is ......."
The parent then adds "Is there anything else you want to say?"

End of discussion.

Yes they might be frustrated, but respect for both is hopefully maintained.

Thanks for your post!

[charliegirl]

Thank you Jfla! I need all the help I can get.

[misty]

Nov 20, 2008 13:46:53 GMT -5 jfla said:

Thanks for your post!

Your welcome! And thank you for adding to it & giving us some more examples to help us!

[jill]

I saved it for a later date plus I deal with teens on my caseload from time to time and it would help me and parents. I get PINS (persons in need of supervision) cases now and then and this may help my parents. These are the cases I feel so bad for the parents I am put in there to help and do not know what I am doing half the time. I am told in time I will learn.