My therapist's take on the neediness

[katiekat]

I wanted to share with you guys my therapist's theory on Sean's needy behavior. I think it makes a lot of sense and even though she's never met him I think it's the best explanation I've gotten.
This is what she said:
When a baby is hungry he cries and he gets fed. When a baby has a dirty diaper he cries and he gets changed. When a baby is scared, or bored, or lonely he cries and gets comfort and attention. They learn that even though they feel bad at that moment the bad feeling WILL end. Even though Sean was fed and changed and had his basic needs tended to he did not get the love, comfort, and attention from his mother at the time it was most important. So he never learned the feeling of being satisfied as far as attention goes. He did not feel secure because he never learned that the bad feeling would end. So the bad feeling goes on and on and he will never feel satisfied because he did not have that experience as an infant.
I know I didn't explain it quite as well as she put it but thats the gist of it. I think it makes a lot of sense. She says it definitely sounds like he has some type of attachment disorder.
This behavior is actually getting worse and worse. It's driving us nuts. I wish he would understand that this is actually pushing people away. Once again I have been on a mad hunt for a new therapist.

[misty]

I love it when someone can come up with an explanation that really makes sense & you're right, that does make perfect sense. I doubt that he'll really ever completely understand that he's pushing people away with his behavior. As hard as it is to live with, its not his fault though & the shame of it is that he had such a crappy mother to begin with. Hopefully you can find a therapist for him that will at least help him function better & hopefully he'll glean some understanding of himself as he grows older.

[anon4now]

KK,

I don't know which book it was in, but it might be The Bipolar Child. It talked about the developmental milestones of "normal" children and bipolar children. (And if you add an unstable parent to the mix, that will definately have effects).

Anywho - it talked about the simple process of nursing. Normal (you know I don't mean normal, but for this purpose I'll use that term) the infant will suckle, and stop, mostly because he's tired. The mom will instinctly look down, make sounds, move her breast to get the child to start nursing again. This process is huge in a childs development. I can't remember the specifics but you can imagine the bonding that happens when a mom and child's eyes meet, or the connection the child makes between the noise of their mom's voice and the food they are getting, etc.

Now bipolar kids are known not to stop nursing until they are done and fed. So the mom can easily nurse while reading a book, watching TV, or heck, sleep! And that small little interaction is removed and there's a huge missing link in their development.

Now I don't know if Sean's mother did this, but just imagine what a child is missing if a mom props a bottle up on a blanket and leaves the child to just nurse all by himself.

It's really amazing and this stuff fascinates me. If I do a career change, this is what I want to do.

Good luck, and do lots of assurance. I find when my son is having a hard time, I will just softly whisper that I'm here for him and he is doing a good job. Almost like a mother coddling their baby when they fuss. Sometimes I even talk to him when he's phsyically ill, like a fever. I just remind him he's safe and he will get better and that everything will be ok. I think it calms the nerves a lot, because they are missing that naturally assurance, they have to hear it.

And I have to say, you sound like a great mom.

Anon

[jill]

Being a Social Worker it is so true. I have kids on my caseload that get placed in foster care and some have serious attachment issues especially if they are moved around a bit which sad to say does happens. These are the kids that touch my heart more for they need the more love and they are the ones that act out. I will stop here.