DEFIANT BEHAVIOR

[betty]

hi my 12yo son has been off his medications since July. he was diagnosed with adhd at 6. lately more than ever he has shown so much defiance that we don't know what to do. his teachers do not have any problems with him at school. his grandparents don't see that side of him either. it is just here at home with both of us parents. we have clear rules, certain expectations (practice saxophone, homework, chores) loss of privileges that are clear to him. he just doesn't seem to take us seriously or respect us. we kind of feel that we are just the tallest people in our own home. we don't know what to do. please help

[bugsmom]

Betty...first and foremost...WELCOME TO THE GROUP! Quite a few of us have boys the same age of your son. With that being said, welcome to the snotty tone, rotten attitude, sassy mouth, defiant life of a 12 year old boy!! I don't mean to make light of your situation, I just so know what your going through. If I don't laugh about some of it, I'd go crazy!

I guess the first thing I would think about would be your son's age. Mine will be 13 in couple of months and I'm seeing more of this type of behavior. I chauk it up to the hormones on most days, and others he's just being a butt-head.

When you mentioned that he doesn't give his teachers or others a hard time, the first thing I thought of is that he feels safe with you displaying that type of behavior. My thought was that if he's not medicated, he's got to be trying awfully hard in school to stay on the straight and narrow. Maybe after the stress of the day, he's just letting it all out for you. I don't know, its just a thought. I know when kids feel safe, and loved unconditonally, they know what they can get away with. It sounds like you've got all the right things in place, and he knows the consequences. Sometimes our kids just don't get it, until they do.

I so know what you mean though. The lack of disrepect and attitude can drive you mad. Hopefully some else you can give you some better advise. I'm just strapping myself in for the crazy ride for the next couple years.

[lisacap]

13 yr old medicated son....Welcome to the world of I KNOW IT ALL....can't stand the stage, or the kid right now. Does well in school as well, and is a complete and utter monster in my home, goes to overnight camp for 2 weeks at a time, and all I hear is how well respected he is, won camper of the cabin numerous times, walks through the door and hell breaks loose. I personally refer to him as Eddie Haskell (showing my age, the old leave it to beaver friend). My mother's theory has always been, if he can behave and be respectful outside of the home, I am doing something right. They need a place to vent, to let out steam and to be just pure jerks, and the ones they hurt are the ones they feel safest with. I take away everything the child owns, but doesn't do much good. The behavior behind closed doors doesn't change. I did find after many years, is that he doesn't fit in well in the real world, here he does. We don't judge him, we accept him, so he shows his true colors here. I often say to people, you could take my child for a week and not know there is a thing wrong, but let him walk back through the door and it starts all over again. Try this it may work for you though didn't do much for us, letting him make his own punishments. The therapist swore by it. Sit with him and say, you decide what you will get or lose if your chores aren't done, homework isn't finish, etc...giving him the upper hand and having it written down and signed by both, sometimes helps. So if he is not doing his chores, refer him to his rules and his punishments and say, I am not going to argue with you, this is what you picked for punishment and walk away. The more yelling you do, the less he tunes you out, the more he has gotten all the attention he needs wether it be positive or negative, and he has just got his fix of pissing everyone off...it is a long long road with these kids, somedays I think it will never end, but keep hoping someday, he will outgrow this.
and by the way welcome to the group

[puzzled]

Welcome to the group! I too have a 12 year old son and he is just beginning with the attitude....when I call for him, I get an irritated-you-are-interrupting-me-sounding "What??" Chase is medicated and I get the same reports from his teachers and friend's moms when he is with them...perfect child, no problems, etc...in our sons defense, it is not wholly an ADHD issue...my older son went through a time when he was sarcastic, sassy and know it all as well....now he is almost 16 and he only knows it all, LOL, she sarcastic sassiness has all but gone....hang in there, it may just be a phase....

[jj]

Welcome! So glad you could join us even if under stressful circumstance.

Well, my sis can sure relate to you. Her daughter, unfortunately, has always been a defiant, smart mouthed kid (to her parents and sometimes with me in the same room) and it is at it's worst right now, at 14 years old. If my sis says she lost a privilege she comes back with, "I don't care". Ewww, ya just want to smack them.

All I can suggest is if what you are doing isn't working try something totally different. For example, if he is smart mouthing you just tell him once that you are not going to listen to him if he keeps that tone and just shut him out. Don't say a word to him and just act like he doesn't exist. It may make him really mad but it also may make him change his tune or not.

Honestly, sometimes nothing works and you just have to keep telling yourself that in a few years they will start to our grow this horrible phase.

If your son visits a psych on a regular basis you may want to talk to him/her to see if she has any suggestions.

Oops, had to edit because I can't spell. LOL

[jill]

welcome to the board. They always save the behaviors for us aren't we lucky. If you have a psychologist lean on him/her is what I would do for advice and then we can add to it here. It is early and I cannot think my brains are fried lately sorry.

[bugsmom]

Today, my son got a new list of vocabulary words. One of the new words was "Defiant". He looked at me and said, "I don't even have to look that one up Mom!" Boy, thats for sure.

Just thought I'd share. I thought of this post right after he said it.

[betty]

hi, thanks for the suggestions. it is nice to know that i'm not alone. even though these problems aren't something you would want others to have. i'm having a bit better of a day today. the kids went back to school. out of the past two weeks the kids went to school a total of 2 days.

[jj]

I'm so glad things are a bit better. I know my sis sometimes is just wanting to give up but she keeps plodding along. I feel so bad for parents who are facing ODD with "teenager" on top of it.

[jmb3]

I have a 13 year old too.
I have noticed that praising the things he does right, asking him for "help" boosts his self esteem.

Sometimes this helps him be more helpful.

I've heard just be patient. this is a stage until they turn about 21.
Picking your own punishments helps too.
Sometmes we just have to let the little things not bother us.

good luck.