It seems like we hate each other

[trid]

My oldest, who turned 20 this week, and I are at major odds over everything in the world.

He's away at college, about 2 hours away. I'm paying for his rent, his school, his vehicle, his food, his insurance...

No matter what the topic, we are openly hostile to each other. I know I am as big a part of the problem as anyone. The 20 yr. old (Mike) and the 18 yr. old (Patrick) fight, verbally and physically, with each other all the time they are together. Mike thinks I treat Patrick special, and that I baby Shaun, who he calls every vile name in the book. I think Shaun is depressed, but he talks to me about everything. Mike is the ADHD child, but it seems more and more like he's either bipolar or ODD, and depressed, too..

I dread having him home from college on the weekends that he comes home, and I am terrified of how we'll all be when he graduates this winter.

Any suggestions to smooth things out before Thanksgiving would be appreciated by all 4 of us here.

In case you need a refresher, September is an awful month for us emotionally, since it was 3 years ago that DH got sick and died suddenly. So there is an element of depression and stress lurking for all of us, too.

[misty]

I only have one kid (for this very reason..LOL) but it sounds like a lot of sibling rivalry going on. I really don't know what to tell you, but I hope the tension breaks before you do. I'd maybe start with getting them all together & laying down some house rules. Just simple things: You must be respectful, no swearing & beating up on each other, etc. The 2 oldest are old enough that they can go find their own apartments if they can't abide by the rules.I'd just tell them straight out that these are the rules & if you want to live under this roof, you'll follow them. Too bad they aren't younger or could call Super Nanny!

[trid]

Things are somewhat better today. Mike is home for the weekend, and he's much calmer. I didn't expect him to come home, so that was a surprise. He started to work on the tractor, and asked me to get Patrick to help. That didn't go very well, but it was better than usual. Then we cleaned out some major junk off the porch. Mike got stung by a bee, so I took him down to the pharmacy to pick out some medicine. Since we were right there, I invited him to lunch at McD's. That seemed to be the birthday meal that he wanted. He hasn't eaten there "months", and by the time we left, he was totally calm.

Tonight, he went to the Bike Night in the next town over. The weather is gorgeous, so it should be an awesome night for him. Patrick went to play some roller hockey. And our township is celebrating founder's day, so they just finished a spectacular firework display.

Still, I feel like eggshells are everywhere. I told all the boys that we need to "write our family constitution", with rules that we can all live by. There are some consessions we'll all need to make, but I think we can make it work for the greater good of the family.

Thanks for the encouragement. I still think there are multiple emotional issues going on here, but this has been a fairly decent weekend for a change.

[misty]

I'm glad things are going better & I think a "family constitution" is a great idea! I think some things get harder when the kids are older because even though you are still MOM, the kids are adults & want to be treated different. Good luck!

[jj]

I'm sorry I didn't see this even though it seems you have worked things out a little and I don't know if I can be of any help at all. I do like the family constitution idea.

I imagine there may be a lot going on with your college son. I have yet to have run into a college kid that doesn't seem to think they know more about everything, and especially more than their "Mom". I remember telling one of my nieces, that was especially close to me, that since she was now going to college she better not turn into one of those "know it all"s" and that when she started doing that, I was going to remind her of what I said. And I did, because she did exactly what I predicted and would "know more" or argue every thing I said.


If you are thinking about his graduation already, he probably is too and that may scare the heck out of him. There could be girl problems, social problems or teacher problems. Who knows? And of course, there may be anger that his Dad is no longer there. I think that anger can crop up many times during ones life, even at a very mature age.

Of course I'm just guessing, not knowing your son at all.

I do think, in the family dynamics, the oldest always takes issue with what the younger ones get away with and there is some truth to that, in some families, I think. By the time the younger one is growing up most parents are just tired and/or just more relaxed about things.

With that said, your thoughts that he may be bipolar may not be unfounded. I know your son sounds a bit like our moderator's (Puzzled) daughter, thinking the other siblings get "special" treatment.

I think setting down some rules should work. Like Misty said, they don't like it they can move out. (At least your oldest can.) I can relate to a lot of what you are talking about ...the egg shells...our whole family has walked on egg shells around my sister (very likely bipolar), who happens to live with me. I understand how stressful this can be and I feel for you.

Hopefully, this is just a phase your son is going through and things will change soon once he finishes college and gets out on his own.

[charliegirl]

I'm thinking that even though Mike is now an adult and almost finished with college, when he comes home he wants to be able to relax and stop playing grown up all the time.

I remember as a young adult when I would go home part of me felt safe and just wanted to let someone else handle the stress of life for a while. It was like I didn't have to be as adult as I was most of the time. It took time for me to adjust to adult responsibilities.

I do agree with the family constitution idea. It will give all the boys guidelines to follow. They will each know the rules and since they will be involved in setting them they can debate with you if they feel something may be unfair so you come to rules they can all live with.

Personally, I'd have a few rules I considered non-negotiable, such as fighting and verbally abusing each other is never allowed and there will be strict consequences for breaking that rule. Respect for each other and you is a must.

While the two oldest are old enough to get their own places, I'd wait and see how the ground rules work. If you feel they aren't taking them seriously I would talk to them each alone and let them know they will be out if they can't live harmoniously. I wouldn't make it a family issue as you don't want anyone using that as leverage against the other.

I can promise you that it won't be long and they will all have lives of their own and you'll wish they were home fighting with each other so you knew they were safe and could see them more often.

[trid]

girls, thanks for the encouragement. There have been times when I just want to throw one or another of them out, but we all know that I am a spineless whimp when it comes to actually standing up to them.

Even if I tried, they could physically re-enter the house and I'd never be able to stop it. I have actually googled trying to find out how people throw grown kids out!

Mike definitely doesn't want to act mature... he sent me a text tonight asking me where to find beans at Walmart. I told him to ask a stock clerk, but he wouldn't ask. He left w/o getting beans.

I used to try to rule the family like a tyrant, but as soon as DH died, I found that I needed the boys to be equal members of the family, so I treat us all like a democracy. It works for us, most of the time. I secretly hope the boys bring wives home to live here, not move out, so that they can all take care of me forever.

However, Mike is still considering enlisting, and Shaun has started looking into a military career, too. Crap, today is his 16th birthday, and he is planning his life, and I am a "few" years older, and I still don't have mine planned beyond leeching off of them!