Post by John on Jul 22, 2007 12:09:00 GMT -5
It's Kinda' Long but Worth Reading . . .Oh and Dr Phil's name is mentioned but has nothing to do with the actual information.
Yelling Shuts Down Reason – Marriage Message #314
“When you yell at someone there’s a part of the brain that shuts down – it’s the part of the brain that houses how we reason through a situation.” Did you read that right? Yes! It’s been proven scientifically that when yelling starts there is a part of the brain that goes offline – much like a computer goes offline when its circuits become overloaded. That proves all the more how true it is when the Bible says, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11). In other words, a wise man yells but a wise person listens and reasons.
Dr. Dan Siegel, who is an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, and author of the book, The Mindful Brain, talked about this on a Dr Phil television program aired on May 30, 2007. He told Dr Phil McGraw that there is a part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex that “allows us to think and pause before we act.” “It’s what makes us human. It lets us think, and plan and actually look at other people and think about what’s going on inside of them.” It houses our reasoning centers.
Dr Siegel then points to a diagram of the brain and says, “This is where the more animalistic brain is centered. In general, our higher human brain controls that, but if we get really upset, if these emotional centers are getting active, it will literally shut that off, and this won’t be functioning. What do you think life would be like if we try to talk to each other just from an animal brain?”
Dr Phil then says, “When you start yelling, these other centers become pervasive. They grow and take control, and so all reasoning stops. Now, it’s animalistic: attack, fight, flight, survive, and that’s not a problem-solving mode.” Dr Phil then addresses Dr Siegel, “You talk in your book about the fact that if you’re going to live consistent with the principles of The Mindful Brain, that you’ve got to stop reacting and start reflecting and looking for something called attunement.”
Dr Siegel explains that when a person stops before he or she acts or speaks it gives them the opportunity to reflect and then better tune into what the other person is trying to communicate. In essence, what this means is that when you’re being yelled at, the reasoning stops and the more animalistic part of the brain takes over, along with fear and frustration, and you react rather than think things through in a rational way.
I’m reminded of a proverb that speaks of this concept which says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” (Proverbs 14:12). We may think that when we yell, we’re getting our point across in a stronger way. Yelling may make sense to us and may seem to be the only way that we’ll get our spouse to grab onto the gravity of what we’re saying. “But in the end,” it really leads to the death of the conversation going in a productive direction. It shuts down reason and ushers in chaos and frustration in the other spouse to try to defend rather than listen. It proves all the more that, “He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin” (Proverbs 13:3).
We may rationalize that “this is the only way I can get them to listen to me—when I yell!” And it may be true that for some of you this is effective (although I wonder if you reduced yourself to a lower level when you did this and if the other person really listened, or instead they stopped talking because of your reaction). But for more of us, I believe, that the Lord would rather have us find ways to act wisely and use all the parts of our brains and allow others to do the same to come to a more peaceable solution. “A wise man fears the Lord and shuns evil, but a fool is hotheaded and reckless. A quick-tempered man does foolish things…” (Proverbs 14:16-17).
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may BENEFIT those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling, and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:29-31).
As you read all of this, we pray that you will consider what you are doing when you yell at your spouse. I know it’s especially tempting to do so. I’ve been there and done that, much to my shame. But when I’ve found myself getting heated beyond reason, when my husband Steve confronts me with something I don’t want to accept, and I’ve told him that we need to take a break for a time so I can compose my thoughts because I could tell that our “discussion” was going in an unhealthy direction, I’ve never been sorry. Eventually we come back together in a more reasonable way and work out a solution that is satisfying for both of us.
I realize that not all of you have a spouse who will allow this type of “break” to occur. And for that I’m so sorry. I encourage you to ask God (as persistently as you have to) to give you guidance as to how to get through this situation in the most peaceable way that is possible. “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:17-18). That doesn’t mean that you just let them run over you with their words, but that you look for healthier ways to resolve things, if this is possible.
And I also realize that some of you have allowed yourself to give into the habit of lowering your impulse control and have yelled when you knew you shouldn’t. Again, my heart goes out to you. I’ve done the same and deeply regret it. But I also know that God will show us a “way of escape” from even our own impulses when we sincerely pursue His help. “Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted” (Hebrews 2:18). “And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).
I pray this gives you “food for thought.” Please work to find ways not to yell at each other, shutting down the parts of the brain that helps reason to come through. We have many articles on our web site at www.marriagemissions.com that can help you with this and many resources that are recommended that will continue to help you on this mission. We’ve found it to be so freeing and helpful to our marriage to work through this issue in our own lives. We pray you will also.
God Bless,
Cindy and Steve Wright
Yelling Shuts Down Reason – Marriage Message #314
“When you yell at someone there’s a part of the brain that shuts down – it’s the part of the brain that houses how we reason through a situation.” Did you read that right? Yes! It’s been proven scientifically that when yelling starts there is a part of the brain that goes offline – much like a computer goes offline when its circuits become overloaded. That proves all the more how true it is when the Bible says, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11). In other words, a wise man yells but a wise person listens and reasons.
Dr. Dan Siegel, who is an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, and author of the book, The Mindful Brain, talked about this on a Dr Phil television program aired on May 30, 2007. He told Dr Phil McGraw that there is a part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex that “allows us to think and pause before we act.” “It’s what makes us human. It lets us think, and plan and actually look at other people and think about what’s going on inside of them.” It houses our reasoning centers.
Dr Siegel then points to a diagram of the brain and says, “This is where the more animalistic brain is centered. In general, our higher human brain controls that, but if we get really upset, if these emotional centers are getting active, it will literally shut that off, and this won’t be functioning. What do you think life would be like if we try to talk to each other just from an animal brain?”
Dr Phil then says, “When you start yelling, these other centers become pervasive. They grow and take control, and so all reasoning stops. Now, it’s animalistic: attack, fight, flight, survive, and that’s not a problem-solving mode.” Dr Phil then addresses Dr Siegel, “You talk in your book about the fact that if you’re going to live consistent with the principles of The Mindful Brain, that you’ve got to stop reacting and start reflecting and looking for something called attunement.”
Dr Siegel explains that when a person stops before he or she acts or speaks it gives them the opportunity to reflect and then better tune into what the other person is trying to communicate. In essence, what this means is that when you’re being yelled at, the reasoning stops and the more animalistic part of the brain takes over, along with fear and frustration, and you react rather than think things through in a rational way.
I’m reminded of a proverb that speaks of this concept which says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” (Proverbs 14:12). We may think that when we yell, we’re getting our point across in a stronger way. Yelling may make sense to us and may seem to be the only way that we’ll get our spouse to grab onto the gravity of what we’re saying. “But in the end,” it really leads to the death of the conversation going in a productive direction. It shuts down reason and ushers in chaos and frustration in the other spouse to try to defend rather than listen. It proves all the more that, “He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin” (Proverbs 13:3).
We may rationalize that “this is the only way I can get them to listen to me—when I yell!” And it may be true that for some of you this is effective (although I wonder if you reduced yourself to a lower level when you did this and if the other person really listened, or instead they stopped talking because of your reaction). But for more of us, I believe, that the Lord would rather have us find ways to act wisely and use all the parts of our brains and allow others to do the same to come to a more peaceable solution. “A wise man fears the Lord and shuns evil, but a fool is hotheaded and reckless. A quick-tempered man does foolish things…” (Proverbs 14:16-17).
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may BENEFIT those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling, and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:29-31).
As you read all of this, we pray that you will consider what you are doing when you yell at your spouse. I know it’s especially tempting to do so. I’ve been there and done that, much to my shame. But when I’ve found myself getting heated beyond reason, when my husband Steve confronts me with something I don’t want to accept, and I’ve told him that we need to take a break for a time so I can compose my thoughts because I could tell that our “discussion” was going in an unhealthy direction, I’ve never been sorry. Eventually we come back together in a more reasonable way and work out a solution that is satisfying for both of us.
I realize that not all of you have a spouse who will allow this type of “break” to occur. And for that I’m so sorry. I encourage you to ask God (as persistently as you have to) to give you guidance as to how to get through this situation in the most peaceable way that is possible. “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:17-18). That doesn’t mean that you just let them run over you with their words, but that you look for healthier ways to resolve things, if this is possible.
And I also realize that some of you have allowed yourself to give into the habit of lowering your impulse control and have yelled when you knew you shouldn’t. Again, my heart goes out to you. I’ve done the same and deeply regret it. But I also know that God will show us a “way of escape” from even our own impulses when we sincerely pursue His help. “Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted” (Hebrews 2:18). “And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).
I pray this gives you “food for thought.” Please work to find ways not to yell at each other, shutting down the parts of the brain that helps reason to come through. We have many articles on our web site at www.marriagemissions.com that can help you with this and many resources that are recommended that will continue to help you on this mission. We’ve found it to be so freeing and helpful to our marriage to work through this issue in our own lives. We pray you will also.
God Bless,
Cindy and Steve Wright
so go ahead and 
