Teacher trouble...

[bugsmom]

I'm sick to my stomache over this and don't know what to do. To put it bluntly, I think Josh's teacher is lying to my face about how she treats Josh and I don't know what to do. I apologize ahead of time because this is going to be long.

We have had a pretty good parent/teacher relationship all year. At least I thought we did. Whenever there has been a problem, we've talked it over and shes implemented the suggestions I've given to her that I know work for Josh. She's declared how much she cares for him and recognizes his struggles and feels bad that he has to work so hard on his behavoir. She says all the right things to my face, yet Josh has been coming home telling me how mean she's been to him. Now, I take this with a grain of salt because all kids think their teachers are mean. When we really talk about a certain situation, it is usually him reacting inappropriately. But he has been coming home very upset over the last week and he won't talk about it. So yesterday I go to pick him up and he comes down the hall with his teacher in tow. She looks very angry and upset and declares he had an awful day. Josh is hiding behind me and wouldn't look at her. We didn't get into the details right there in the hallway, but she even scared me! After a few seconds of chit chat, I apologized to her, telling her I'm sorry he had such a rough day today. She then says, "You don't need to apologize, he does! He doesn't even care or feel bad about his behavior!" I was shocked! I told her that I would talk to her Monday about it and left.

When we get into the car, Josh just starts balling his eyes out. He says he never going back to school, she yells at him all the time, never believes a thing he says, accuses him of things that the other kids do and blames him, it just went on and on. By the time we get home, he's in a full blown anxiety attack. I haven't seen this since his 4th grade year with the teacher that hated him and was extremely cruel to him. I know that this wasn't just coming out of left field. It took me two hours to get him calmed down. Once he did and I knew he was ready to talk, he let it all out. He said she accused him of stealing her purple pen and got very angry. He told her that I bought them for him at Target last week and she refused to believe him. I most certainly DID buy him a new pack of purple pens to correct his papers and he wanted them because he thought hers were cool. Then she took him in the hall and yelled at him because another student said something off colored and he laughed. The kid that said the comment didn't get in trouble, but Josh did for reacting to it. Then during chior, he asked to be seated away from a certain kid because this kid always gets him into trouble (I thought that was pretty mature of him) and she yelled at him, "Your just going to have to deal with it." By this time, Josh just gave up. When he feels attacked he will just zone out, or get extremely hyper, I've seen it many times before.

So here's my problem, when I talk to her she'll say, "Oh, I always try to be so calm with Josh and I always try to put whatever we're dealing with in a positive manner". She tells me just what every parent wants to hear. But Josh is telling me a totally different story and I know from the way he is reacting to her, that he is telling me the truth. I don't know what to do. She is pretty high strung and that was a worry for me from the start, but she has always said the exact thing I've wanted to hear and I thinks she's lying to me. What I find interesting is that when i opened my e-mail this morning I had one from his principle. She did say he had a rough day but he was trying very hard to turn it around. She said she touched base with him many times through out the day and could see that he was struggling.

I guess I just don't know how to approach this. I'm so upset with how he was treated yesterday, i could scream. I don't like to go over the teachers head on things...I like to address them with her, but this seems much harder to me. I'm very close to the principle and feel completely comfortable talking to her about this, but I'm stuck. Any advise?? Sorry this was so long...I think I just needed to vent.

[lcdc1]

I am sorry about this all! Poor Josh, he needs your help to deal with this lady. What a bad position for him to be in, he cannot learn in that situation and it will just get worse. I am glad you all have the weekend now to calm down and write some things down, I always cc all my correspondence in dealing with Rans school to the principal becasue he is really a good advocate for the kids AND the principal knows things parents do not in dealing with teachers, if there is something going on with the teacher it is the principals job to know that and to figure out if it would be influencing the teachers better judgement in dealing with your son. Can you schedule a meeting with the principal there and just try to be calm and discuss what you are observing in Josh and that the communication wihth Josh and the teacher is shutting down, attack the problem for now, not the teacher kind of thing. It is tough, I rant and rave at times, so funny advice coming from me.

But if Josh is experienceing this anxiety and crying over this, you know you have to meet with the school, this is an indicator of that!

[rakuflames]

Mar 1, 2008 11:32:30 GMT -5 bugsmom said:

I'm sick to my stomache over this and don't know what to do. To put it bluntly, I think Josh's teacher is lying to my face about how she treats Josh and I don't know what to do. I apologize ahead of time because this is going to be long.

We have had a pretty good parent/teacher relationship all year. At least I thought we did. Whenever there has been a problem, we've talked it over and shes implemented the suggestions I've given to her that I know work for Josh. She's declared how much she cares for him and recognizes his struggles and feels bad that he has to work so hard on his behavoir. She says all the right things to my face, yet Josh has been coming home telling me how mean she's been to him. Now, I take this with a grain of salt because all kids think their teachers are mean. When we really talk about a certain situation, it is usually him reacting inappropriately. But he has been coming home very upset over the last week and he won't talk about it. So yesterday I go to pick him up and he comes down the hall with his teacher in tow. She looks very angry and upset and declares he had an awful day. Josh is hiding behind me and wouldn't look at her. We didn't get into the details right there in the hallway, but she even scared me! After a few seconds of chit chat, I apologized to her, telling her I'm sorry he had such a rough day today. She then says, "You don't need to apologize, he does! He doesn't even care or feel bad about his behavior!" I was shocked! I told her that I would talk to her Monday about it and left.

When we get into the car, Josh just starts balling his eyes out. He says he never going back to school, she yells at him all the time, never believes a thing he says, accuses him of things that the other kids do and blames him, it just went on and on. By the time we get home, he's in a full blown anxiety attack. I haven't seen this since his 4th grade year with the teacher that hated him and was extremely cruel to him. I know that this wasn't just coming out of left field. It took me two hours to get him calmed down. Once he did and I knew he was ready to talk, he let it all out. He said she accused him of stealing her purple pen and got very angry. He told her that I bought them for him at Target last week and she refused to believe him. I most certainly DID buy him a new pack of purple pens to correct his papers and he wanted them because he thought hers were cool. Then she took him in the hall and yelled at him because another student said something off colored and he laughed. The kid that said the comment didn't get in trouble, but Josh did for reacting to it. Then during chior, he asked to be seated away from a certain kid because this kid always gets him into trouble (I thought that was pretty mature of him) and she yelled at him, "Your just going to have to deal with it." By this time, Josh just gave up. When he feels attacked he will just zone out, or get extremely hyper, I've seen it many times before.

So here's my problem, when I talk to her she'll say, "Oh, I always try to be so calm with Josh and I always try to put whatever we're dealing with in a positive manner". She tells me just what every parent wants to hear. But Josh is telling me a totally different story and I know from the way he is reacting to her, that he is telling me the truth. I don't know what to do. She is pretty high strung and that was a worry for me from the start, but she has always said the exact thing I've wanted to hear and I thinks she's lying to me. What I find interesting is that when i opened my e-mail this morning I had one from his principle. She did say he had a rough day but he was trying very hard to turn it around. She said she touched base with him many times through out the day and could see that he was struggling.

I guess I just don't know how to approach this. I'm so upset with how he was treated yesterday, i could scream. I don't like to go over the teachers head on things...I like to address them with her, but this seems much harder to me. I'm very close to the principle and feel completely comfortable talking to her about this, but I'm stuck. Any advise?? Sorry this was so long...I think I just needed to vent.

I was a special education teacher for many years. I worked in regular schools and my students stayed in the regular classroom most of the day.

It has been my experience that the teachers who are worst for this kind of behavior are often very good at presenting themselves as kind and compassionate teachers.

I suggest you quietly talk to some other parents and see if they are getting this double message also. If there are several of you, you would be in a very strong position to go to the principal. One of my daughters was made the "goat" by a teacher. Other children were bothered by it and told the reading specialist, who went to the principal on her own. The principal couldn't get her fired but did get her transferred to another school, so at least this wouldn't happen to his students any more.

I taught at that school and he had the courage to tell me what happened. Most of the time they won't, but that doesn't mean they aren't listening. It may be that he has heard this complaint several times before and will take it seriously. He (or she; I was thinking about a male principal at the time I typed that) may well take it seriously even if it was the first time.

However, I would suggest that your son not use the same pen the teacher uses for marking papers. She probably picked it because it will stand out to her. NOT that that justifies ANYTHING here ...

She probably has to look atwell over 100 papers a day, and it probably helps her to use this rather distinctive color.

I would definitely talk to the principal, saying that you found your son's story credible.

[misty]

In 5th grade my daughter had a teacher that was 2 faced like that. I couldn't get anywhere with her myself so I did have a couple meetings with the principal in attendance. That teacher is the one reason I insisted on there being a section in Shannon's IEP that enforces teachers treating her with respect.Oh that was a hell of a year! So I guess what I'm trying to say is don't be afraid to go over the teacher's head. If we don't fight for our kids, who will?

[rakuflames]

Mar 1, 2008 13:48:35 GMT -5 misty said:

In 5th grade my daughter had a teacher that was 2 faced like that. I couldn't get anywhere with her myself so I did have a couple meetings with the principal in attendance. That teacher is the one reason I insisted on there being a section in Shannon's IEP that enforces teachers treating her with respect.Oh that was a hell of a year! So I guess what I'm trying to say is don't be afraid to go over the teacher's head. If we don't fight for our kids, who will?

What a shame when you have to put things like that in an IEP. However, having been there ...

[misty]

You're right, rakuflames, it is a shame! I find this year (Shannon's in Jr high now) that so many of the teachers just don't care about the kids. My district seems to be going down hill. Bullying, other behavior problems, bomb threats, etc. seem to be getting worse. I had to contact the school because I have a bully at the bus stop (I'm a crossing guard) and it took me a MONTH of calling to finally get the principal to call me back & even then all that happened is the girl got suspended from the bus for one day. It seems to me that the school is afraid to take the appropriate measures. If they get these kids help then the rest of the kids ,who want to learn, finally can.

I got a letter from one of Shannon's teachers asking for a phone conference & had to leave numerous messages to get her to finally call me back. ARGH...its so frustrating.

The teachers that do care are few & far between, but they are there thank God. Shannon has a couple this year that are just amazing. They will go the extra mile for the kids & they make learning fun. I wish that was the norm instead of the exception.

[charliegirl]

Document everything you can. Write down things which occurred and as close to when they happened as possible, then go to the principal. Keep an ongoing record and send him a report every week until it stops.

I do think you should talk to the teacher. Tell her that you are aware of what is going on and it has to stop. Let her know that you are taking this seriously and entering complaints and will continue to do so until the abuse stops.

That was the reason I ended up homeschooling my son most of last year. When the principal asked me why I decided to homeschool I told her what was going on, how it was affecting my son and that I refused to put him through it any longer.

I agree that its a good idea to find other kids who are being mistreated by her and banding together with their parents in asking the school for changes. Something else you can do is ask Josh if any of the kids will admit they are seeing him being mistreated. Witnesses take it from the realm of your child being overly sensitive but with a wonderful teacher, to forcing them to admit he is being abused.

If you don't see major changes quickly you can enter an official complaint with the state.

[lillian]

Bugs,

Did you see the recent article floating around on the internet about parents who put a digital recorder in their daughter's backpack because they were in the same situation you are in, trying to decide whom to believe, the teacher or their child? They recorded the teacher telling her kinder students that they were stupid kids, that she had the right to be mean to them because they were mean to her, and on and on.

So, got a digital recorder?

[carol]

I do not mean to pry, but is Josh seeing a therapist? It might help. My son shuts down with negative feelings. I commend Josh for having the courage to come to you and tell you what was going on. Expressing his feelings to a therapist might help.

By the way, venting can be therapeutic. It's ok.

Hang in there.

[bugsmom]

Thank you all for your suggestions...I truly appreciate it. I'm taking all your responses to heart and I will be mulling them around in my head for the rest of the weekend. I know for a fact that I will be talking to his teacher about this. I want her to know that I KNOW she's not being straight with me. I will also talk to the principle (without the teacher present) and let her know that I will not let what happened in 4th grade EVER happen again. I've documented everything Josh has told me. The thing that kills me is that she was just singing praises to me Tuesday afternoon about how Josh is really maturing and that she is soooo proud of him. Yet the next day, she's treating him like dirt. Grrrrrrrr!

Lillian, your idea cracked me up. After thinking about it for a minute, I came to the conclusion that with my luck, Josh would sound worse than the teacher! I did see that story you spoke of on CNN and it just turned my stomache when I heard that teacher talk to those children that way. Just awful!

Carol, your not prying at all. Yes, Josh does go to therapy. Ever since the anxiety issues cropped up a few years ago its been a must. He's worked very hard in dealing with these issues and has learned great coping skills. But you know, sometimes it not enough. That's why I know somethings wrong here. For us, the anxiety is much harder to deal with than the ADHD.

Thanks again everyone...I so needed to get this out this morning. I'm so thankful your all here. Just keep me in your prayers on Monday. I so don't want to break down in tears. I can get so emotional trying to stick up for Josh. I DON'T want to do that. And guess what? I have to spend 1/2 the day with her on Monday because I'm going on a field trip with Josh's class. Lord help me!