Control issues...

[anon4now]

I never know where to start a post. And usually after I do, I find a better place for it, well here it goes.

DH (yes, you heard right, DH!) and I went to the doctors last night. It was just the adults talking. We spewed out story after story. And it almost felt like the doctor would come to a partial conclusion about our son, and one of us would throw a totally contridicting story out there to trip her up. She said mood disorder a few times (though my husband claims I brought it up more than the doctor) and she is pretty sure there is ODD. She explained layers and slowly peeling away the layers to get to the core. She thinks he may be having a hard time dealing with a chronic disease (Type I Diabetes).

One thing she said was at his age (9) their world was centralized around rules. Breaking rules, keeping rules, creating rules etc. We talked a little about his anger issues, and how when he gets so distraut, he's not interested in anger management. And that's when he hurts himself. So she suggested to take the "rule" of anger management away, and make it a more blanket approach. Then DH cut her off and she never finished her thought (though from the looks of it, she didn't really have one.)

So that's where you guys come in. Any ideas what she could mean and how I can take away the "When you get mad, the rule is, you punch your pillow, not bite yourself." attitude from the conversation with him.

My first thought was an anger box. Then he can put his own ideas in the box (stress ball, punching pillow, pens and paper) and then he has the option of going to the box. But that still seems Rule-ish.

What do you think?

Anon

[John]

A4N > No real ideas but have you tried having him just write down about how he feels. Maybe not at the exact time he's having an 'anger attack' but later when he can think a little more clearly.

These don't even have to be something that will be read latter by him OR anyone else. Just something that let's him express how he feels and maybe he can look at them later and glean some insight into the situation.

[anon4now]

I've thought of having him get a diary of sorts. He's on and off about writing. He was writing a great story, and right at the end (typical ADHD-er) he quit! Said it was stupid and never mind.

I've saved it incase he wants to go back and do it again, but he says writing hurts his hand and he hates it.

Then later, he'll write a three page letter to his grandma in CA.

I get what you mean though, "It's here if you want it, but you don't have to do anything with it."

Anon

[misty]

How about a blog? You could set him up with a blog & let him write there. Or just have him use notepad & type instead of write & then print it out. My daughter loves to write stories & had that same complaint that it hurts her hand. now she writes all her stories on the computer & prints them out.

[charliegirl]

I think she is thinking of it as a way for him to feel he can control his emotions rather than something he is ordered to do as though its a punishment.

How about having him create a list of acceptable things he can do to alleviate the tension and expel some anger like you mentioned with the anger box? He can choose things that usually help him feel better.

Instead of ordering him to go use one of the things on the list, just remind him he has it and suggest he see if there is something on it to help him feel better.

Anger is usually frustration at not being able to deal with a situation. After he has calmed down, discuss what happened, what he was feeling, what he wanted to happen and what he can do in future situations to get the outcome he wanted. That won't work if he is having a tantrum over being told no but if its something caused by him not having the right social skills or being able to think quickly enough, having an plan in advance can help him know what to do next time.

[anon4now]

Jun 25, 2008 15:57:39 GMT -5 charliegirl said:

I think she is thinking of it as a way for him to feel he can control his emotions rather than something he is ordered to do as though its a punishment.

How about having him create a list of acceptable things he can do to alleviate the tension and expel some anger like you mentioned with the anger box? He can choose things that usually help him feel better.

Instead of ordering him to go use one of the things on the list, just remind him he has it and suggest he see if there is something on it to help him feel better.

Anger is usually frustration at not being able to deal with a situation. After he has calmed down, discuss what happened, what he was feeling, what he wanted to happen and what he can do in future situations to get the outcome he wanted. That won't work if he is having a tantrum over being told no but if its something caused by him not having the right social skills or being able to think quickly enough, having an plan in advance can help him know what to do next time.

Since he's got that ADHD thing going on, we've always made plans, outlined schedules, kept up strict routines.

So imagine, as a 9 year old, you function the best when you know what to expect (I know you all know what I mean). So my son expects breakfast (35 g of cereal, 1 1/4 cup of Very Vanilla Soy Milk, two pieces of toast, one with PB and one with Jelly) See...very predictable. Now if he's running a little late coming down the stairs (like yesterday) he panics. He knocks over the cereal, he can't open the bread...so I step in and help him out and tell him to go to the bathroom and check his blood sugar etc. And I have to get him back on track. Minor set back...but we're back to normal.

Then, we through in a monkey wrench. Mom is late coming home from work. Dad needs help clearing the table (but it's not chore time, so that's most certainly not fair) and the baby gets to watch her shows and do nothing. Pure anger sets in. Not only is his schedule messed up, but he does not want to do the chore, and he resents his sister for her little-ness. The red rage takes over and there is no calming down. He is mad! We already have in place when he feels this way, he decided he will punch a pillow. Well, through this red rage, he now looks at the pillow like it's the stupid-est thing in the world. And he hates the pillow, and he wants nothing to do with, and he will do anything in his power to not touch the pillow.

-So that's a little peak into our life. I'm sure you are familiar with some, if not all, of it. Even though the pillow was his idea, or the stress ball was my idea, it just isn't working for him because when he's that angry, nothing makes sense. In his words, "I might as well tell him to eat a sock!"


Anon

[charliegirl]

I think that is what she means. If having options to choose from doesn't work than you can only ask her what she meant at the next appointment.

I hope she has something that will work for you. I have that problem with my son but it isn't nearly as severe as what you are dealing with.

[jill]

An anger box is a great idea that worked for a kid on my caseload. I am also praying you are not dealing with ODD for I do not wish it upon anyone and it does make life more difficult at times. It is like having one tough stubborn mule when Annette has her mood every day is a struggle. I wish you the best Jill