Feeling Judged sometimes

[lcdc1]

I am pretty open these days that I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression, along with some other things thrown in there for good measure! But, at times I feel that I am judged because I do have some nuerological issues. Sometimes (I hate to admit it), the judgements may be accurate, other times they are way off base.

Most of the openess about the issues I have, came over a year ago because, well, life was crashing down around me, I could not deny these issues anymore! I had some deep talks with some very close friends about it that prompted me to seek help from some professionals and that is a good outcome so far (although it is really hard work).

BUT, now, if I am having a bad or trying day, some friends and docs want to fall back to this nuero stuff and may not believe me when I say I am OK! It is hard at times!

It seems like a double edged sword to me today, friends are good and have saved my life - friends make me mad becasue they care too much and it hurts at times?

[trid]

That is so frustrating. To know that there is a reason you have good days and bad days doesn't change the fact that they are YOUR days to deal with. People don't want to let you figure it out for yourself, but they get angry with you for not figuring it out fast enough.

It's kind of like being pregnant. You have a wonderful experience going on but people have to point out all the scary stuff too. People feel compelled to make happy people miserable, and tell miserable people to be happy.

It's human nature. You aren't allowed to be happy alone or miserable alone. You have to be drawn to the opposite extreme, unwilling, by those on the other side.

Sorry I don't have a solution for you, but I do know how you feel. It's as though, now that others know you have a diagnosis, it is their job to analyze it daily, even though they aren't trained to diagnose or treat. (is that the arm chair quarterback thing?)

[lcdc1]

yeah I think that is the term that describes it! Arm chair quarter backing! yeah, it is a thing that confuses me and I am trying to get better in the whole social thing and not read things into what they say, but it is hard at times and I have to try to remember I would not be improving my life without the advice of these friends, but the friends I have in this town and in person, need to let go a little I think?

Maybe they are afraid I will fall harder next time and all that? And I am a bit touchy because I have lost a very dear friend in my life that is like a hole in my heart and head right now and it is like I should not have become so close to him because now it hurts too much!

I was just wondering if I was overly sensitive these days or reading things right? It is good to have friends here that do not judge me because they also have these things or people in their lives and can relate to nuerological conditions.

[charliegirl]

I have been thinking about your post, trying to figure out how to respond. I think I have it now.

Real friends care and thats the bottom line. Its very hard to stay out of it when you are afraid someone you love is making wrong choices but since we aren't in your skin 24/7, we often think one thing when its really another. In the end what they want is for you to make the best decisions and have the best outcome.

People usually offer advice based on their own life experiences and what they have seen others go through. They may be over reacting as far as you are concerned but they could be terrified that you will make the same choice they or someone else has in the past and treat you the way they think they should have been with that other person. It may or may not have worked with that person but they aren't taking chances this time because they care about you and don't know how else to reach you.

It sounds like you are surrounded by people who really care about you. They may make stupid mistakes and be less than tactful but its good to know you have people who care enough to try even if they do make you crazy at times.

[jj]

I understand that feeling of being judged and I hate it. I do think most people have really good innocent intentions and then there are some people that think they know better in a superior sort of way. The latter I can do without.

As far as advise on what to do about it, I don't have any. I wish I did.

[lcdc1]

yeah, it is all good I guess and maybe it is about clarification and monitoring myself and mood when I hear those things and to remember it is not all about an attack on me, but is all they know how to do.

I forgot this one too, Ran is in this summer math thing for 2 weeks for her IEP stuff to get ready for high school and a teacher she had in 8th grade asked me if I was still mad at her? I was like what? Mad? It was that time I sent emails back and forth about notification of my kids progress!

Anyway, I told the teacher I was never mad at her and if I had been I would have said so - I told her I was looking out for Ran and was frustrated probably (I really don't remember) - so that was another misread by someone on me! I guess all the incidents this week just made me touchy about it! I will take their comments as a positive thing and that they care, instead of worrying about it.

[jfla]

I have found this thread so interesting.

I appreciate trid and charliegirl's responses to your concerns, lcdc...which got me thinking a lot about issues related to man's quest for understanding that I have been curious about.

It brings up
Why are people are so quick to offer unsolicited advice, when I am just trying to share an experience? Why can't they just listen to what is being said right now instead of turning it into their similar story?

Why do they view it as a problem, when I am just enjoying the process and path of life? I didn't ask for advice.

Why is man led to associate, analyze, conclude (judge), and then advise. Perhaps it's related to millions of years striving to survive as a species.

This seems to answer for me why many people listening to a shared story/experience jump to associating the tellers experience to their own and need to share it aloud; then immediately analyze and offer unsolicited advice thus making a judgment. It is sometimes helpful when trying to figure something out, but bothers me when I receive unsolicited advice.

In responding to this post, perhaps I am guilty of all of the above. But the process did provide me with some understanding.



focus on my breath and focus on the here and now.

[lcdc1]

wow jfla, that is a different way to think of it! Do you think survival as a species depends on validation from others? One thing I often wonder about is why I really need friends in a way? Friends are good and it feels good, other times it is very confusing to me.

The here and now is really important, my pysc says that a lot! He is trying to help me understand this anxiety thing I have and constantly explains to me what anxiety is. At this point in my life, I think I understand that if I worry or think too much about the outcome of too many things, it freaks my mind out. I need to live more in the here and now, today!

Thanks all for pontificating on this with me, interesting!

[jj]

Jfla,
I find myself doing those things you just mentioned. And yet I sometimes don't want someone elses story to be more horrific, more painful, more interesting than mine. Sometimes I just want them to listen. Yet I turn around and do the exact thing to others. It just comes out of my mouth or from my typing fingers. Not always, but more often than not.

Dang!

[charliegirl]

I do it too. I think that if I show I can relate to what they are going through, they will know I understand. It isn't meant to be one upmanship and at times I won't say it if I think it will come out as me thinking I had it worse.

I think we do it because we want to help and want people to know we can empathize.

We should ask if they want advice when someone is telling us in person. On the boards here, unless someone says they don't need advice I assume that is why they posted since we are a support site.