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Post by lcdc1 on Jul 4, 2008 19:46:57 GMT -5
yeah, I wanted advice and it is good! If I don't I usually post to a PM or something. This has generated lots of good conversation for sure and makes me realize that it happens to more people than just me and that is more reason to know I probably should not take it personally when given advice.
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Post by jfla on Jul 5, 2008 2:38:38 GMT -5
Just want to following up on lcdc's "Do you think survival as a species depends on validation from others?" If I understand your question, perhaps in early societies of man validation may have been an important factor... acceptance in the tribe, cooperation, dependence on strength in numbers may have been necessary for survival.
"One thing I often wonder about is why I really need friends in a way?"
Interesting question...something I too have thought about lately..especially since moving to the opposite coast. In previous moves (Southwest to East coast to Northwest, now back to the East), I had felt the need to connect and develop new friendships. Now, it seems that I don't feel that strong drive or neediness to do that. I am fine with it and don't really care why; I just find it interesting.
"The here and now is really important, my pysc says that a lot!" Someone close to me and I have discussed this a lot recently. Bringing the attention to just being in the present and focusing on her breath in a meditative state has helped her a lot. Now when anxiety arises during the day she can use this tool to bring herself back to living in the present and the anxiety dissipates.
I agree that perhaps this sharing does help in finding that others often deal with similar issues.
Re: living in the present
I take lessons from my very adhd son. Sometimes it is a true gift. He lives so much in the present that he does not remember/or stay connected to past conflict...does not carry grudges...and appears happy just about all the time. Life is good. He once left me a note that I've saved on my fridge for a long time..."Don't worry. Be happy." Whenever he sees me stressing about something, he physically forces me to stop with a smile and a hug. It's good. It helps me slow down, stop and refocus.
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Post by jj on Jul 14, 2008 2:04:45 GMT -5
That's cool Jfla, that your son does that. Made me smile that he makes you stop and get/give the hug. LOL He sounds wise beyond his years.
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Post by anon4now on Jul 14, 2008 11:39:48 GMT -5
Thought I would join in on the conversation here. I was thinking about my own reactions to other's problems. I'm a natural "fixer". If I see a problem/conflict, I instantly try to find a way to solve it. I think with my immediate family, it took me a long time to be able to say, "I can't fix this." I don't think my husband understands how hard it is for me to say this. It's almost like I'm letting go of a power. It's a very strong statement for me. If I don't actually say it out loud, I will physically become ill trying to fix a family conflict. With extended family, I have decided to stay out of it at all costs. It's too damaging to be involved in their problems. With friends, I will only offer help when specifically asked. The most I do, when not asked, is state my level of concern for the friend. But I don't try to pry and try to fix their problems. Internet posts - solutions, advice, support just comes flowing through my fingers. I figure someone is here for a reason. And I try to share my expereinces, and my "outsider" view of the situation and help that person. LCDC - my initial thoughts about your situation, is to come up with a key phrase (like mine mentioned above) that either sets your mind at ease (Something like, they are only trying to help because they care about me) or something you can say to them so they understand how you feel in the moment (Something like, I need a listener right now.) They obviously care so much about you. If you explained how overwhelming it is to get every thought coming out of their mouths while you're still trying to sort through your own thoughts, they would get it. And if you had a key phrase that they understood, then it would be easy to get them to ease up on the advice giving. Just my advice for my internet friend. As far as needing friends. I think it's a pack thing. You know, we need someone to go pick nuts & berries with so we don't get eaten by a saber tooth tiger or something.  Anon |
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Post by lcdc1 on Jul 22, 2008 8:30:50 GMT -5
I think I realize that people are just trying to help, it seems like I can take random advice better if my head is in a good calm place! Just gotta keep it all in perspective I guess!
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Post by misty on Jul 22, 2008 8:43:50 GMT -5
It took me forever to respond to this, but I have my hands & mind full with my husband so...I'm sorry.
anyway, I think that everyone needs friends, not for validation, but for the basic connection. I've learned through my present situation that without friends I would have been totally lost. Just the need to talk to someone, have a shoulder to cry on, or even just to be able to scream in frustration to someone really helps. Its like by having friends, you know you aren't alone & just knowing someone will listen to you takes part of your burden away. I've also learned how easy it is to take people for granted. I always just assumed that Bill would be there for me & almost losing him taught me how easy & fast my world can change. I'm at the point where I'm thinking of all my regrets.....how I would snap at him for something or how I wasn't open enough...things like that. To have friends you have to BE a friend & sometimes I forget that. So through all this I have learned to pay more attention & nurture the relationships in my life....friends, spouses, children, parents.....we need that connection to other humans & we should all do our best to make those connections as strong as possible.
Ok, a bit rambly but my thoughts are somewhat jumbled these days.
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