I cannot take it anymore and out of ideas

[jill]

Today she got a note home she had a bad day at school and again homework nightmare. She is refusing to do her homework and has been whinning and crying most of the evening. I spanked her butt and that does not work either, I began a behavior chart No go. Nothing is working and I am exhausted my blood pressure and blood sugars are up from the stress and throat sore from yelling. I am getting no help and losing it fast. She refused to bathe so I forced her in the shower and actually went inside with her fully clothed. I cannot take this anymore and just want to cry and figure out where I went wrong. For the first time I do not want her near me and told her to go to bed no privilages so I can calm down and relax.

I hate my life!

[katiekat]

to you Jill.
I feel my patience wearing thin this week too. Sometimes the only option is to make them go away so you can be alone.
Have things improved with your husband? Is he helping out at all?

[charliegirl]

Things finally settle down over the summer and we finally start to let go of that thick skin we had to develop and then school starts and our kids are stressed and we get stressed and......

I wish I knew what to tell you that would or even might help but I think we all need time to adjust. Just know I'm with you and praying you and your daughter get things settled so you don't have to go through this for the rest of the year. I know last year was tough too. So sorry.

Right now I'm feeling like we should all run away to a tropical island somewhere and only come home for visitation with our kids on non school days. Anyone want to join me?

[jill]

Thanks. Last night after she fell asleep I went in her room and she looked so sweet I wanted to hug her close to me. I Never spank her and having to do so did bother me and it was only 1 swat. She has a vocabulary test today and did not study not for lack of trying also the school wanted her earlier in the morning we are always running last minute well that did not happen either. I woke her 15 minutes earlier and she moves so slow and drags things out, will never tell me what she wants for breakfast and if I give her anything she will freak and melt down that is my fault for trying to please while she is on the meds. I try not to have her melt down in the mornings for I do not want her to go to school on a bad note. I told her from now on she has to decide at bedtime what the breakfast is going to be and cannot change her mind or she will go hungry.

I am glad for my little bit of me time now she is in school but now I have to go to work soon.

[jill]

Tonight is open house so the teacher and I will talk besides on the phone. On a positive note she seems very nice her teacher.

[anon4now]

One thing I do from time to time is give myself a time-out. Litterally! I just say "That's it, mom! Go to time out." I lock myself in my room for 10 mins while I think about "what was done." and try to come out with a fresh look and new air in my lungs.

So just remember, it's ok to do that for yourself whenever needed.

Let me know if I can help out at all. I can come up with some good/crazy ideas. Does your daughter do better with a strict schedule? or does that just stress her out?

One key thing, is come up with a game plan when things are calm. Not during a crisis. Included your daughter on the plan so she can "own" it. And start off small.

So for instance (off the top of my head) pick three breakfast choices with her. Have her make three pockets out of construction paper and mark each breakfast on the pocket. Pin them up to the wall. Have her put a popsicle stick in whichever breakfast she wants to eat. She can choose her breakfast whenever. She can change her mind mid day. But at 7:30 AM (or breakfast time) you are preparing whichever choice the stick is in. If she doesn't choose one (like she's standing there still deciding) and it's 7:30, then you make a 4th option (aka your option) but make that 4th one the same. OR you can make yesterdays option...etc.

Just an off the top of my head thought. Don't know if it would work. And it may not even work every day. But if it works 3 out of 7 days, that's 43% of the time it is working! So almost half the frustration!

Also, offer a bonus, when she does successfully choose a breakfast, then you get to sit at the table with her and join her. (Because you will have more time to relax vs fighting!)

Good luck momma,

Anon

[jfla]

CG is right about school starting up again and all the accompanying stresses of this transition time. I think it took my son at least one month to adjust to the new teacher and get into the school routine again. Now that i think about it, when I taught special ed, it took the new students about a month too...and previous students seemed to be very comfortable and jump right in to the swing of things. So by the time kids come home, they must be pretty stressed considering all of the demands, directions and choices they've had all day.

A couple things to think about:

-Scheduling down time "Wow, you had a rough day." After listening to what they went through, then I'd either ask "what can we do to make you feel better?" or I'd simply take them out somewhere. Often it would be some type of natural setting to wander in that could calm and ground them. nature doesn't make demands. I think my kids had a better start to the day when we were able to walk to school. Not everyone is able or wants to do that, but I believe it grounds them and helps them make a more natural transition from home to school. Study (ies?) show that time spent in green environments decreases ADHD behavior. I've seen the same response in my child too.

-Pick your battles.Remember this one? After listing the behaviors you want to change, select three and just work on those three. Include an easily attainable goal and rewards (verbal, physical etc). Perhaps your goals are breakfast, bath, homework.

-Provide choices, but not too many. Too many leads to stagnation. Do you want to bathe before or after such and such. Anon has a cute idea for breakfasts. Homework choices could be which item to work on, location to work...etc.

-Give yourself time to respond to child behaviors. Really think through how to handle it. I do remember turning my back on some situations, slowly counting to ten so that I would have myself together to deal with a stressful situation.

-Find downtime and rewards for yourself. I was told this time and again and I rarely followed the advice. Like so many parents who deeply care for their children we become exhausted & exasperated You are not alone. We do need to find a way to re energize ourselves.

[anon4now]

I like the green environment. My son really likes to fish and I think HOW BORING! But I think it's so Stress-Free and he can quiet his mind to just take in the sounds of the water and birds etc.

One night he was having a hard time calming down so I took him out to our back yard barefoot and just walked around in the grass. I think it has the potential to work, it didn't fix everything, but it calmed the immediate crisis for 10 mins.

Great ideas!

Anon

[jfla]

natural environments have always calmed me down and help me center myself. I think when I was about twelve, I discovered what it could do for me and it helped me get through stressful times.

That's great your son loves fishing so much.

[jj]

Oh Jill,
My sis is going through the exact same thing with her daughter. Her daughter (14 yrs old) now flat out refuses to do any school work. (My sis homeschools) My sis is in tears most of the time and feels she can't take it anymore. I mean she REALLY can't take it anymore. She is looking for some sort of boarding school it is that bad.

I don't and can't know what you are going through but I do know it takes such a toll on my sister. My sister said she now needs just as much mental therapy as her daughter needs.

The others made some good suggestions. I'm sorry I don't have any advise. But I so feel for you.