Lying

[katiekat]

So. Anyway I have been having lots of behavioral issues lately to deal with. I am losing my mind. (again) I am breaking them down into several different posts because it all makes my head want to explode.
Sean's mother hit the nail right on the head when she said to me once that Sean lies to pit her and my husband against each other. He has done it numerous times. He's done it to me also-lying to his grandparents about me, lying about my friend to me...these lies are always about how someone has wronged him. Usually its about food and how he wasnt fed, things like that. Now he is doing it to me and my husband. The difference is I am RIGHT THERE while he is lying. And then he lies to me maybe trying to convince me that I'm the one lying. An example: the other night we went out to dinner with a bunch of people and my husband was meeting us there after work. Sean did not want to go where we were going b/c it was a pizza place & he had a pizza party at school that day. I told him there were many other things to eat there & he didnt have to order pizza. When we got there and I read him the menu he said he wanted pizza b/c there was nothing else he liked. But he said he only wanted a small piece. I told him theyre all the same size and eat what you can. So now my husband is there and he eats the whole piece and tells my h that he wants more. My h says he not going back to order more food, to eat some fries or something & that he shouldve ordered 2 pieces when we were all ordering. And Sean says to him "I told KK I wanted 2 pieces and she said no I can only have one." WHAT!!?? I said no way and relayed the truth to my husband and Sean was saying that he never said that he asked for 2 pieces. Its happened quite a few other times lately, says/does one thing when its just me then something completely different (and untrue)to my H. He always acts like he is being neglected and wants the other person to feel bad for him or something. I despise lying to start with & this is infuriating. I don't know what to do about this. I'll certainly be mentioning it to his therapist next week but ARGH!!I don't know how to stop this. Guess I just wanted to vent a little.

[puzzled]

I am sorry KK....I am the same way. Hate lying and hate it even more when it is something silly...I mean if he would have asked for 2 pieces, he would have got them.

Hopefully the therapist can come up with something to help him quit attention seeking this way.

[charliegirl]

I've always told my kids that if they lied, they would be in more trouble for that than what they did wrong. I hate lying that much. I completely sympathize with you.

I wish I knew what to tell you that would help.

[bugsmom]

KK...I have to echo everyone else in saying I hate lying more than anything. I've always told Josh that the worst truth is always more accepting than a lie.

With that being said, my little man had a BIG problem with this a few months ago. Out of the blue he started stretching the truth and boy did I go ballistic! It wasn't even out and out lies, just adding more to a story, or changing what really happened around. To me it was lying, to him it was just his opinion of what happened. Well, I told him that it had better stop or he was going to lose all his privileges AND my trust. I also mentioned it to his phych and she brought it up and session and he was really embarassed. I don't like to ever shame a child, but something had to be done. After I ratted him out to his doc, it stopped. I don't know if it was a phase or he was just testing limits, but he's done with it. It was very strange, we never had this problem ever.

I don't know what to advise you really. Josh is a little older and really realized he was wrong. I think you hit the nail on the head that he just wanted Andy to feel bad for him and also his attention, but that doesn't give him an excuse. I'd just talk to his therapist about it and she what they come up with. Hopefully they can help you address this and you can nip it in the bud.

Hang in there....((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))).

[jill]

I would rely on the psychologist or psychiatrist. Another idea is talk to him and come up with consequences every time he is caught in a lie carry out the consequence. This is a hard one on advice giving let me think on it longer now I am officially on VACATION!

[anon4now]

Hey KK,

I don't remember if Sean is older or younger than mine, but I'll tell ya, I'm in the same boat!! And I hate to break it to ya, but I've been there for a long time. So if you find a miracle out there, share with me PLEASE!

I'll tell you a similar story, my DS, DD and I were upstairs. DH was down stairs. I was in my room folding laundry, kids in DS's room. Hubby calls up for the kids to calm down. They don't listen. So hubby calls for our son to come down stairs to talk. He tells him he has to calm down...blah blah blah. So my son RUNS up the stairs and screams in our daughter's face. I flipped. I yelled, "What did you just do?" And he looked me straight in the face and said, I didn't do anything, my sister just started screaming for no reason." I watched him do it! It was a big blow up and eventually he told us he lies because he knows mom will back him up.

Here are some tips we have used, and though they don't fix it, they help.

1) Don't take it personally (most important and most difficult one)
2) Stand united. He's a liar, plan and simple. (hopefully that changes) Always side with each other, don't give him benefit of the doubt. Make it clear that he has lost your trust, and unless you see the lying stop, you're going to continue to not trust him. (harsh, but will save your marriage from any future issues, and will remove all power from your son)
3) If you see a situation when a lie is going to start (ie: Who drew on my wall!) Before he answers, tell him to sit and think long and hard about how he wants to answer, and whether lying is worth the consequence. (sometimes the lying is impulse issues)
4) Give get out of jail free cards. If you see he's taken thought about not lying, then thank him for not lying, and tell him he got himself out of trouble for the action. Or significantly reduce the action. "You're grounded for 1 day instead of the 2 if you had lied"

Things to remember. Even though he lied, you still love him. So remind him of that all the time. Some of my harsher comments above will get translated this way in your child's mind. I often tell my son I love him, but dad and mom are king and queen, and until he rules his own roost, what we says goes.

Fill us in on what the therapist says. Hope you can show Sean the benefits of telling the truth, and can get him to build good habits.

Anon

[unicorn]

Posting here about lying instead of beginning a new post. Tiff lies about everything. It is out and out lying too. She will come out of the bathroom, I'll ask why she left the toilet lid up. She will say "I didn't do it." And she is the last one that was in there. Or all during summer school. I would ask if she had homework. Automatically answer would be no. The next morning, I would catch her doing homework. This just to stay outside the night before longer. The other morning I needed to get her to a sitter so I could get to work. After an hour of trying to get her up, she said I am getting up. Even had one foot out of the bed. I yelled up several minutes later and she said she was getting dressed. Another 5 minutes and I this time went upstairs. She was still in bed and hadn't moved. I hit the roof, especially since I had been up and down for an hour. These are just 3 things. I say the same as all of you. That she will get in more trouble if she lies. And that the discussions we have about the lying last longer then just doing the task in the first place. And also you wouldn't grounded or something taken away.

How do I get her to stop this? It is driving me bonkers...

[misty]

I don't know if you CAN get them to stop. Shannon is very truthful about the big things, even if it means getting herself in trouble BUT she constantly lies about the little things. She never flushes after she pees & sometimes she doesn't even use toilet paper. I go in right after her & see it, but she SWEARS she did both. I'll find food wrappers & crumbs all over my computer table but she insists she wasn't on my computer. She refuses to drink milk because she says it bothers her stomach, but I buy a half gallon of chocolate milk & find it half gone when I go to get a glass. It drives me insane.

[unicorn]

Exactly Misty...I have the pee issues too. I love the brushing the teeth too. She will so insist that she brushed, but the toothbrush is dry. I can only hope that she will show me the same respect and talk to me about the big things and thennot flushing the toilet won't be so bad...

[Tigger]

Jun 22, 2009 20:13:02 GMT -5 charliegirl said:

I've always told my kids that if they lied, they would be in more trouble for that than what they did wrong. I hate lying that much. I completely sympathize with you.

I wish I knew what to tell you that would help.

We have told are kids this to!!! But for my daughter Nicole, She still lies. She has lied since she was little and still does. For some reason we cant get her to stop. We tell her all the time that if you just tell us the truth you wont get in any trouble but she dont listen. I have no idea what to do with her. My older son Michael wont lie. He has but he would rather tell the truth than lie!!!!

I am sorry KK. I hope you get this nipped in the but soon!!!