How do you help...

[unicorn]

We have good friends that have a daughter (middle out of 3) that I know has ADHD. She is just like Tiff was at 3. I have known for a while that she was a special being. We have tried and tried to get them to look into things like this site and talking to their doctor. I can hear through the walls the way they scream at her because they say she is being "bad" or too wild or all of those things we know and have discussed soooo many times.

It breaks my heart to hear her get in trouble constantly for being her. I know with some knowledge and understanding it would be much better for them.

How do you advocate for a child that is not yours to a family who thinks that "this" can't happen to them mentality?

[charliegirl]

How old is she? Is she old enough that it is showing up in her social and school life? If not, you may just have to be there to encourage her and do your best to help her keep a healthy self esteem until they are forced to see it.

[unicorn]

She is 3 and just started pre school. I think from what I can gather, that there are some signs at school. Socially in the neighborhood, I think she is ok. Well Tiff loves her and there is a boy who has ADHD and some other LDs who get along real well with her. Now granted both of them are 11. She seems ok so far with the younger ones.

Her parents call her wild, out of control, bad, never wants to listen. Things like that. Last night at the Halloween party, all the kids were in the basement. All of a sudden the mother asked where this child was. I said the basement. She said we need to find her because she is being a monster, I can just tell, she is a sneaky child. So I got up and went to the basement. The child was so tired, that she was almost asleep in the midst of these children. I said, she is exhausted, it is 10, maybe she just needs to go to bed...

[charliegirl]

She's only 3 and they are labeling her a monster already? As much as I hate to suggest it, please watch for signs of abuse, and I mean emotional as well as physical. You may have to turn them in to get her evaluated.

I know its sounds harsh but I have memories of a cousin being hit and called the devil's spawn by a family member when he was about that age. The person who did this was older and didn't know anything about mental illness, but unfortunately that still happens today. My cousin ended up in jail before he was diagnosed and treated for bipolar disorder. He is such a sweetheart and always was when he was able to control himself. The pain he suffered is not something I ever want to see another child go through.

[jj]

Oh, that must be hard hearing them yell at her and calling her a monster and not be able to put a stop to it.

If there were some pamphlet that is about how to handle a difficult child that touches on testing for disabilities, that would be great to hand to her saying something like it helped you so much dealing with Tiff. (Or something like that.)

Three years old is probably too young to really test and be confident with the results as there are kids that are just full of energy and don't listen, etc.. and then grow out of it. But you said you see it in her so if you can see it, then I bet a psych would too.

If you could only get the parents thinking about it seriously. That poor little girl. Three year olds soak up everything being said so I can see why you are so concerned.

[anon4now]

Personally, I would start making comments like, Oh Tiff was just like that when she was that age...we did this to help.

I think labeling their child might put them off. Instead of saying she has ADHD, say, she might need different parenting techniques to help her get through this stage. Offer more advice that you have lived through without telling them they are doing it wrong. You may even want to offer respite for the parents so they can recenter.

You could also offer "did ya know..." comments. Did you know there's a great book about this. Did you know sometimes diet can affect the way a child behaves. Did you know some kids are sensitive to...etc.

Don't become over bearing. And try to be a good listener. If the parent says "she's a monster" ask her about it. What makes her a monster, what time of day, how do you handle that? Let her vent it out. And be understanding. If you continue to do that, there's a good chance she'll come to you saying, "Remember when I told you she was stealing food at night...well now she did this and I just don't know what to do about it!" To which you may have some helpful advice.

Good luck. I know it sucks standing by watching parents and children go through this the long and hard way. But the more you push, you may lose the oppurtunity to actually help.

A4N

[charliegirl]

Love your advice Anon!

[jj]

I agree whole-heartedly with Charlie-girl. What wonderful insight you have Anon. I think what you suggested is perfect.

[unicorn]

Thanks Anon. We have tried the comparisons to when Tiff was younger. Gentle little statements.

I think they will learn when they learn.

I don't think there is abuse in that sense. But yes the yelling is abuse and they have locked her on the porch (yeah) and when she has meltdowns they just yell back and she gets so upset she can't stop crying. That is maybe what gets the most recently. I remember those meltdowns and what they just need then is for someone to hold them and help them calm down, not yell at them.

I won't give up trying. Keep fingers crossed for me.

[jill]

You may have to just tell her that she is yelling at her child too much and let her know calling her monster is labeling and can be harmful to her mental health. Try to talk to her before she begins to border on abuse, have her tell you the good things about her child to keep perspective.