siblings of ADHD kids

[misty]

lauralea.............Thread Started on Oct 2, 2006.

Hi, I am a mom and a Social Worker. I would like to put together something (booklet?) regarding the needs of the siblings of ADHD kids. There is some studies that suggest that living with the ADHD sibling can be very hard on them eg. frustration, having to take more responsibility, parental attention focused elsewhere, dealing with the behaviours, bugging them, etc. I also have noticed this personally. My daughter is 13 and son is 11 years with ADHD. She often becomes 'little mother", has to take more responsibility, has to take a back seat while I give him extra help with homework, organization, etc. She is sick of him moving all the time, making noise and generally disrupting her. She feels frustrated a lot of the time. She said the other day, "When I grow up I will die if I have an ADHD kid...I don't deserve that...I've had to grow up with it"

Anyhow, are there other parents with similar expereinces and concerns for the impact the ADHD child has on the other siblings? Are any of you willing to share this with me and possibly answer further questions or ask the siblings some questions? I think these kids needs tend to get ignored because it is not right in your face, so to speak.

thanks



lisacap

I can write the book on living with siblings with ADHD....I have 3 children, 11. 8 and 5..my 11 year old is ADHD, and my 5 year old has Cerebal Palsy. Life in the C. house is different than in most houses. My 8 year old became the care taker of my 5 year old, she dresses him, makes him breakfast, helps him get ready for bed all while I tend to the 11 year old. Our days don't start out like others, it starts with my 11 yr old, screaming on the top of his lungs for no apparent reason what so ever, and my 2 little ones sitting on my bed, staying away in fear they will be hurt by him. He will yell and scream if some one is dressed before him, if some one brushes their teeth before him, or if I put their lunches in their back packs before him. So while I am trying to control him, they don't leave my room. Once I give him his med's, I literaly force him to stay in his room till they kick in, at this point I can take 10 minutes to take care of the others. After school is sort of the same, if I am helping the little ones with home work, he will stand and insist he gets helped first, and like most parents of ADHD kids, that have more than one, you always find yourself tending to them and only them, just to keep some peace and semblence in your home. I know with my son, if I punish him, I let him out, If I take something away, I give it back, all because we don't want to listen to him. My other 2 have lost out on all kinds of stuff because of him, and his behavior and it is not fair. We have been making him stay home with either me or his father so that the other 2 don't have to lose out, but it is hard.....I could go on and on, if you want more let me know. All I can say is my youngest will say "Did you give him his medicine yet" and that is sad when your 5 yr old can see the difference. But my house runs different than others, I pick and choose my battles with him, and my little ones lose out because if they do the same thing, they are in trouble for it. I hope some of this helps.



katiekat

I have quite a bit of experience with this also. I have 2 boys, 10 and 5. My younger son is ADHD. I know I have a lot less patience with my older son because I am so worn out from Sean. I am always telling him to ignore the things Sean does but really he is just a child too. My older son is driven crazy by all Sean's hyperness-running,jumping,banging especially when he's trying to do his homework or something quiet. Just today he said to me"I dont think you have any idea how miserable he makes my life". My kids are total opposites and sometimes I feel bad when I take out my frustrations on Joe when he did nothing. It is also especially irritating when he has a friend over. He rarely does this anymore he prefers to go to their houses. In fact he will do just about anything to stay out of the house.



sweetheart1026

I am a mom of two daughters 16 and 12. My 12 yr old has ADHD and was diagnosed at the age of 4. Halloween night we were at our wits end, she came home from school and went into a tirad for two hours. Her sister left saying "would you fix whatever is wrong with her, I cant take it anymore." She finally setteled down and went trick or treating with her friends. The next day we took her to a inpatiant treatment center. The last two months have been very hard on us as a family. Megan (12) was put on Adderall XR 10mg Lexapro 5mg and Clonidine .3mg Her anger outburst have gotten so bad that she was hitting her sister us, wall, doors, her headboard and saying she wanted to kill herself and me. Her sister Ashley (16) says she hates the way she acts arround her friends and Megan has thrown temper tantrams when they have been here. Ashley is so embarrased of her sister she sometimes doesent even claim her. None of Ashley's friends like Megan either. They want to know what is wrong with her. Our mornings ALWAYS start out with screaming and kicking and head butting, and the words I hate you, your ruining my life. I then try to get her breakfast, even that is a chore if we dont have something she wants. So then we go into another screaming match. I then give her her Adderall Xr (we took her off the lexapro thinking that was causing the anger) Then we have the fight about getting dressed, and putting shoes on, jacket ect....The bus stop is right accross from our house and she usually goes out the door screaming. Ashley leaves early for school just to avoid the fighting, she didnt live with us last year because she said she just needed a break from her "disterbed" sister. I always find myself asking Ashley to do more around the house. Her response is always why dont you make her do anything. Simple reason I have fought with her all day and dont want to fight anymore. I can relate to your story. I wish I could tell you it gets better with age, but I cant. Just hang in there and love them the best you can. Hopefully you will never have to resort to what


Charlie Girl

Oh Sweetie, I really feel for you. My son is inattentive with impulsiveness so we rarely see the extremes you are living with. I did find that Omegas help him control the impulsiveness. If you haven't tried them, you might want to.

You are in a good place to get support. In addition to advice from experienced members, you can vent all you need to and get encouragement and support here.

Come visit in the Kicking back with friends board. We have a great time there and can encourage each other plus laugh, which is something we all need.

[misty]

unicorn-tiff'smom

sweetheart - my daughter tried Clonidine for a while and I took her off of it because that is what made her violent and she kept saying she wanted to die. I took her off af that and she is just on Concerta now.

Hope things get better for you.


sweetheart1026

Thank you all for your encouraging words. We have to keep Megan on the Clonidine it is what makes her sleep. I forgot to mention that she has a sleep disorder as well. We tried to take her off of it and she stayed up for 72 hrs staight, well she took a cat nap for an hr and was back up. She has been on it since she was 4. So we know that is not the anger issue. Hopefullly tonight when we see her she will be happy and not sad. Ashley is actually missing her more then we thought she would. I am just so happy I found this place. You all are just awsome!!!



sweetheart1026

We just got back from seeing Megan and talking with her nurse. Her nurse actually thinks she has ADD not ADHD. They are starting her back on the concerta tomorrow. She was on that for 6 yrs and topped out at 54mg. We thought we needed a new drug. Boy was that a mistake, that is when they added the adderall. She was so mean and aggressive on it that it actually scarred all of us. Ashley being 16 is selfish and doesnt understand any of it. I try to tell her that it is hard on me as a mom also, but she just doesnt get it. None of us asked for a child with this disorder. We just deal with what God gives us. No matter what they are all a blessing. I'm just having a hard time tonight they told us they arnt going to let her go home till Wed. or Thurs. so oly a couple more days. I can handle it. I think. we did try the melatonin and it just didnt work for her. She is on a high dose of the clonidine. She just WONT sleep with out it. We cant even let her sleep over at a friends house, she wont sleep even with her meds. When we let a friend stay over here I have to sit in the room until she is asleep. I'm going to try and have Ashley write her comments on here for your book she has 16 yrs worth of things to tell you about sibblings of ADHDers. I'm gona go now I feel like i'm just complaining. Thank you all for your support!!

misty

My daughter was on clonidine for almost a year I guess, and the one thing they impressed on me is NOT to skip a dose! I had to wean her off it, they said her blood pressure could spike dangerously if I just stopped giving it. So how can they just "take it away" from your daughter?

What CharlieGirl said makes sense. I remember when I finally had Shannon weaned off she cried & INSISTED she HAD to have it to sleep! I gave her the melatonin, telling her it was the same sort of medicine, but in a natural form & she accepted it. Finally after a couple months on the melatonin she forgot to take it one night & realized she doesn't always need a sleep aid. Of course, there are nights when she really can't sleep, but I finally have her to the point that she can "feel" those nights & then she asks for it. I'm noticing that those nights are getting fewer & farther between.

Whatever happens, I hope, for everyones sake, you can get Megan on the right meds for her & you all can start getting along better & getting rested up!



sweetheart1026

That is where we are tonight. She is downstairs crying to her dad telling him she "needs" her pill to sleep. The last two nights she was at the hospital she went to sleep around 12 without it. She said she faked it. Ya ok!?! He is getting ready to turn out the lights and is determand to sit there in the hallway until she goes to sleep. I'm glad he can do it cause I dont think that I could. We told the Dr we would give it a week. So we will see. I dont want her falling asleep at 2 or 3 and have to get up at 7 for school. That wouldnt be good for anyone. This is her first night home. Of couse I had to fight with Ashley over everything. I'm just a mess tonight. Hopefully everything else will go well. Talk to you all tomorrow.


crazyhouse

This is for sweatheart 1026. I was put on Lexapro as an adult for awhile and my husband and I used to refer to it as the happy pill. I always found that if I missed that pill for the a day or so I wasn't a sweet loving person. It was kinda like dr Jeckyl mr hyde type thing I had a chip on my shoulder! (how dare they park in handicapped parking, or that guy cut me off! grumble grumble) I was being treated for depression and they also gave me Wellbuterin. I hope her meds all balace her out in the long run because some of those meds take 3-5 weeks to balance in your system. You also can't run out, you have to stay on top of having it ( my 5 year old goes thru $335 every 3 months and thats just co pays) Which will be more soon because I think there going to put him on meds for ADHD but when he misses doses we have problems with Asthma Allergies and Exema. Which ends up costing more in the long run

[misty]

sweetheart1026

hi to everyone, sorry bout not posting this weekend. I had alot going on! First off I took a flying lesson down the stairs, so i've been in bed complaining cause every part of my body hurts.
We gave Meg a half pill on Sat night she just wouldnt sleep. We did think of a placibo but the only thing we could think of that looked like the pill was maybe a baby asprin. So didnt know if i should go there or not. Sun night we gave her a half pill also. Worked like a charm was asleep by 9pm. Then she got up Mon. and was sick with a cold. So she stayed home and missed more school! Last night I gave her a whole pill at 7pm so she would sleep all night and sleep good so she could go to school. This am out came crabby pants, sooooo I think it is the clonidine we have a psyc appt at noon today. I think he is going to put her on another sleep med anyway. So we will just have to see. I sure know what your talking about on copays I am bipoler and diabetic so all together I take 13 meds. My hubby has a lung problem and takes 11 meds Ash has Asthema and takes 3 meds and Meg takes 2 meds. Our insurance will end in March. We are on Social Security from my hubby's job where he was injured. I have to be here to moniter him breathing machines. We have found a free clinic here in town and they have a phamacy that u can apply for your meds for free through the company that makes the drug. Thank gosh, dont know what we would do other wise. Well good day to you all!



Charlie Girl

You really have your hands full. I think its great that the companies will provide their meds free or low cost to families who otherwise couldn't afford them. It sounds to me like they will be a major blessing in your life.

Was she crabby on the days after you had given her a 1/2 pill? I'm just wondering if she had reached the point where she doesn't need as much and the rest is keeping her from feeling alert the next day, thus making her feel frustrated at not being on top of things.

It will be interesting to find out what the psych has to say.



sweetheart1026

Hi all, we say her psy Dr and he said dont fix what aint broke. So he left her on the .3 of clonidine and 36mg of concerta she has been really good the last couple of days. Its like having the old Megan back. We have impliminted the new time outs and setteling down things and that has helped us all. We got her involved in an afterschool program here where we live. We put her in a church youth group on Wed nights. So far so good. Now if I could time warp Ashley back to my nice inocennt young lady i'd be the happiest women on earth! Thank you all again for your help and support i dont know if i could have gotten through it without you!


crazyhouse

oh my son's gramma is so bad!!!! She likes giving sugar just before she sends him home then it's my problem. Jake is always had problems drinking milk veggies and fruits. If it takes strawberry or chocalate milk then thats the best route to go. Thats the only way I can get him to get his milk.
I TRY TO DISWADE HER FROM GIVING HIM SUGARY TREATS WHEN SHE SENDS STUFF HOME. I PUT OFF GIVING IT TO HIM UNTIL HE FORGETS ABOUT IT AND EITHER GIVE IT TO THE NIEGHBORHOOD KIDS WHEN HE IS NOT PRESENT OR I CHUCK IT IN THE GARBAGE! I HAVE SAID TO HER IT IS NOT HEALTHY FOR HIM TO BE RIDING THE UPS AND DOWNS LIKE A ROLLER COASTER, BUT SHE IS JUST STUBBORN. PLUS SHE IS IN DENIAL ABOUT HIM HAVING ADHD SHE KEEPS SAYING OH HES JUST A NORMAL LITTLE BOY!!! I GUESS ALL THOSE TRIPS TO THE DR. AND THE EVALUATION AT CHILDRENS MEMORIAL HOSPITAL IN CHICAGO THOSE PEOPLE MUST HAVE BEEN GETTING A QUOTA OR SOMETHING. I DRIVE ABOUT 18 MILES ONE WAY TO GO SEE A REALLY GREAT DR THAT JAKE HAS HAD SINCE BIRTH AND WE VISIT AT LEAST 3-5 TIMES A YEAR, BETWEEN ALLERGIES, ASTHMA, AND EXCEMA. WE WALK IN THE DOOR AND WE DONT HAVE TO SIGN IN THEY KNOW US BY FACE. I ALSO HAVE A HARD TIME WITH HER ALMOST FEEDING HIM NUTS ON OCCASION AND I HAVE TO READ THE LABEL MYSELF AND POINT IT OUT!!! PRALINES AND CREAM HAS NUTS SHE IS NOT THAT OLD 49 AND A HALF SHE IS JUST STUBBORN THATS THE NICEST WAY I COULD TYPE IT IN. THERE ARE A FEW OTHER CHOICE PHRASES THAT CAME TO MIND BUT THEY ARE VERY CENSORED



misty

If he's allergic to nuts & shes not careful about it, I say KEEP HIM AWAY from her unless YOU are there too! That is too dangerous to play around with! She needs to be told this in no uncertain terms & too bad if she doesn't like it! My daughter is allergic to latex & if someone was exposing her to it, even after I told them not to, she'd NOT go there again! Thats just too scary!



crazyhouse

YOU ARE SO RIGHT! HE DOESN'T GET OT VISIT AS MUCH AS HE USED TO BECAUSE I HAVE THE 9 MONTH OLD NOW, 2 KIDS IS 2 MUCH FOR HER FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME. SHE HAS VERY LITTLE PATIENCE. MOST OF THE TIME I AM THERE WITH HIM. IN THE NEXT MONTH I HAVE 2 CHRISTMAS PARTIES AND MY DAD INSISTS ON WATCHING THE BOYS AND DOES NOT BELIEVE THAT JAKE SHOULD BE WITH A BABYSITTER HE IS THE DOWN TO EARTH ONE WHO LISTENS TO EVERY DIRECTION I GIVE WHEN THE BOYS GO OVER TO THIER HOUSE. I HAVE FAITH IN MY DAD TO DO THE RIGHT THING BY MY KIDS. I'M WAITING TILL HE GOES TO THE DR MONDAY TO HAVE HIS CONDITION RE EVALUATED BY THE DR BEFORE I GO SETTING HER STRAIGHT.

[misty]

sweetheart1026

Hi to all, I got busy with the holiday. Megan seems to be doing ok. I went and saw my psyc Dr and was telling him all the stuff going on and he upped all of my meds. Great!!! I'm Bipoler if I have never said. He wants to talk to Megans Dr. He feels she is showing signs of bipoler also. So that mean another whole mess of prob. I got on the net and found articals about childhood bipolar and copied off like 50 pgs and I highliteed something on every page. not good. See still shows alot off anger. My Dr said that was a classic sign of bipolar if she was on lexapro and it made her even more angry. Just last night she said she wanted to kill me again. She actually went up stairs looking for the knives. I think we r going to hide them. Any advice would be great. Thanks.


crazyhouse

We went to the Dr. Monday. what a three ring circus that was!!! My youngest had an ear infection and conjuctiveitis in both eyes, and my older one had a piece of wax in his ear the size of a large kidney bean now wonder he hasn't been listening!!! He probably couldn't hear me. But anyways Jake's doc said he wants him to be diagnosed by a neurologist at a behavior health facility. I'm so scared that their going to say we want to admit him or do outpatient everyday. I don't think I have the resources or the energy to drive him back and forth everyday.Thats what my girlfriend told me they do there. (she has had 2 kids in there) So I'm worried about this now. plus my mother in law is dying and there is just alot of stress right now!! Between the waiting and the crying does anyone have good advice on how to tell my 5 year old his grandmother is going to heaven? maybe I'll start a new topic