Post by misty on Jan 7, 2007 16:49:08 GMT -5
We moved from a different location in January, 2007. This thread was transferred from there and has a different format than the ones which are created on this site.
lisacap............Thread Started on Jan 3, 2007, 9:30pm
Ok Folks, need to vent here, luckily I haven't had to vent in a while...here goes....
Christian, overhead the tail end of a conversation I was having with a friend, who also has a son with ADHD, and who is also Chrisitans best friend and this child is also the principal of the schools grandson. I over the years have become very friendly with this boys mother, who is the principals daughter....well my friend has been having major problems with her son, like we all have, but yesterday he went over the edge by telling her to go "F" herself and if she didn't leave him alone, he would throw her through a window. She is divorced, and her mother who she lives with couldn't deal much more either and they called the father, her ex, she explained to him that if he didn't come get the boy, she would be calling DSS to have them come get him, her home life has become that bad....in conversation with the ex she learns that the ex father in law had died New Years Eve and he is on his way to Canada, her reply was fine, I will give you his birth certificate so that you can get him over the border...to make a long story short, he came and got him...now this is what Christian heard...Gerald is going to be taken to Canada by DSS to go live with a new family, his father won't take him, and now they are sending him all the way to Canada.....now during my conversation with him, I said to him THIS DOES NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE...that was a private conversation, that you overheard...well lo and behold, I have had 3 phone calls from parents asking what happened to Gerald, and why was the Canadian DSS taking him, when we live in Boston....so my son took a whole story, that he had no right to even speak of, turned it into what he wanted it to be, IM'ed some of his friends and also told the friends on my street that are in his class....before I kill him, and end up having him taken by the Canadian DSS...I need some advise. I did tell parents that it was a misunderstanding, that he was going to a funeral in Canada, and that Christian heard the word DSS and misconstruined it.....I feel horrible, I feel like I have betrayed my close friend, I feel like I am going to be explaining this for a while, and my son thinks he did NOTHING wrong, and is in his room all PO'ed that he is in trouble for opening his mouth...and the clincher to it all, was when the phone calls were coming in, I had a house full of company for Mikayla's birthday....I am so aggitated right now...sorry this is so long ,but at you all know, when I type at night, my meds are gone so I can go on and on and on...thanks for the advice.....
Charlie Girl
Oh, my son went through a story telling stage for more than 2 years so how well I can identify. He too would take something tiny and make a soap opera out of it. He smelled smoke once (probably from a BBQ grill) and started telling people the next town over was devestated by a huge fire and most of the people died.
I had neighbors who were having affairs although he didn't realize that was what he was insinuating. He would just see a man and woman talking on the sidewalk and suddenly they were best friends who visited each other's homes when no one else was there and... you get the picture. He even had people preparing to take shelter for a big tornado because he thought it looked like tornado weather and claimed it was all over television that we were in for the worst tornado damage we have ever had.
Now that I've said that, it took a long time for me to understand that when he thought something, in his mind it became a reality. He would argue with me that it was true. Even driving through the town he claimed burned down didn't phase him. He was convinced that they had rebuilt overnight.
The teachers thought he was cute and encouraged his active imagination. I had to explain why he might be a great creative writer someday but they had to make sure he knew the difference between his reality and the actual reality.
To do this, I first explained many times that just because he thought something, that didn't make it true. Then every time he would tell me anything I would have to ask him pointed, detailed questions. Once I had the actual facts, then I could explain that it might be real in his imagination but that he couldn't tell people it was fact. He had to be able to learn the difference between what he thought and what was real and to do that, he had to find out what the facts were. I would ask him if it was his reality or the truth. He eventually figured it out.
You aren't going through the same thing with Christian from what you have said but I think the principle is the same. Explain to him that he should never repeat anything unless he has all the facts. Tell him if he hears you talking and its disturbing to him, that he can and should discuss it with you. You may not want to answer his questions but its the only way to make sure he doesn't get things that mixed up again.
When he tells you something that doesn't sound quite right, ask for specific information until you are satisfied and if you think he has come to the wrong conclusion, tell him so and tell him why. Point out that that is why he shouldn't repeat anything without having all the facts.
I hope it helps but if it doesn't, have the Canadian DSS stop by here on their way to Canada with Christian. I have a kid who could use a nice vacation. Maybe I should say I could use a nice vacation. Do tell them that when he has become a model child I want him back.
susieb
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this! I really feel for you because I have the same kind of kid. He can't keep something to himself if his life depended on it! I think you just have to try to mitigate the damage by continuing to make the explanations you've been making. Don't let him off the hook for this. He may be in his room, PO'd because you're mad at him, but don't let him guilt you into not holding him responsible for what he's done. I'd continue to give him down the road about it and really impress upon him how hurtful his actions were and how disappointed you are in him.
misty
Lisa, It might also be helpful to have HIM explain to the people he told that he was wrong...that he had made that up. That way he sees how its no fun when he has to own up to it & admit he was wrong. Perhaps you should go with him when he does it, or at least be close enough that you can see he actually did it. Maybe next time he'll remember what a pain it was to rescind a story with mom right there & think twice before repeating THAT mistake!
Have you called your friend to explain what happened? It sounds like you are close enough that she'll understand that you didn't betray her.
Charlie Girl
I think he really did believe what he heard. He only heard part of the story and repeated what he thought it meant. I would be willing to bet that he was very upset about it, thinking his friend's mother was giving him to another country because of his behavior.
It wouldn't hurt for him to apologize and explain that he was wrong but I wouldn't accuse him of lying. Pointing out that he needs to make sure of his facts because things like this happen and end up hurting people when they aren't true is more likely to convince him to act responsibly. Calling him a liar when he thought he was repeating the truth may have the opposite effect and shut him down to even trying to do the right thing next time.
lisacap............Thread Started on Jan 3, 2007, 9:30pm
Ok Folks, need to vent here, luckily I haven't had to vent in a while...here goes....
Christian, overhead the tail end of a conversation I was having with a friend, who also has a son with ADHD, and who is also Chrisitans best friend and this child is also the principal of the schools grandson. I over the years have become very friendly with this boys mother, who is the principals daughter....well my friend has been having major problems with her son, like we all have, but yesterday he went over the edge by telling her to go "F" herself and if she didn't leave him alone, he would throw her through a window. She is divorced, and her mother who she lives with couldn't deal much more either and they called the father, her ex, she explained to him that if he didn't come get the boy, she would be calling DSS to have them come get him, her home life has become that bad....in conversation with the ex she learns that the ex father in law had died New Years Eve and he is on his way to Canada, her reply was fine, I will give you his birth certificate so that you can get him over the border...to make a long story short, he came and got him...now this is what Christian heard...Gerald is going to be taken to Canada by DSS to go live with a new family, his father won't take him, and now they are sending him all the way to Canada.....now during my conversation with him, I said to him THIS DOES NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE...that was a private conversation, that you overheard...well lo and behold, I have had 3 phone calls from parents asking what happened to Gerald, and why was the Canadian DSS taking him, when we live in Boston....so my son took a whole story, that he had no right to even speak of, turned it into what he wanted it to be, IM'ed some of his friends and also told the friends on my street that are in his class....before I kill him, and end up having him taken by the Canadian DSS...I need some advise. I did tell parents that it was a misunderstanding, that he was going to a funeral in Canada, and that Christian heard the word DSS and misconstruined it.....I feel horrible, I feel like I have betrayed my close friend, I feel like I am going to be explaining this for a while, and my son thinks he did NOTHING wrong, and is in his room all PO'ed that he is in trouble for opening his mouth...and the clincher to it all, was when the phone calls were coming in, I had a house full of company for Mikayla's birthday....I am so aggitated right now...sorry this is so long ,but at you all know, when I type at night, my meds are gone so I can go on and on and on...thanks for the advice.....
Charlie Girl
Oh, my son went through a story telling stage for more than 2 years so how well I can identify. He too would take something tiny and make a soap opera out of it. He smelled smoke once (probably from a BBQ grill) and started telling people the next town over was devestated by a huge fire and most of the people died.
I had neighbors who were having affairs although he didn't realize that was what he was insinuating. He would just see a man and woman talking on the sidewalk and suddenly they were best friends who visited each other's homes when no one else was there and... you get the picture. He even had people preparing to take shelter for a big tornado because he thought it looked like tornado weather and claimed it was all over television that we were in for the worst tornado damage we have ever had.Now that I've said that, it took a long time for me to understand that when he thought something, in his mind it became a reality. He would argue with me that it was true. Even driving through the town he claimed burned down didn't phase him. He was convinced that they had rebuilt overnight.
The teachers thought he was cute and encouraged his active imagination. I had to explain why he might be a great creative writer someday but they had to make sure he knew the difference between his reality and the actual reality.
To do this, I first explained many times that just because he thought something, that didn't make it true. Then every time he would tell me anything I would have to ask him pointed, detailed questions. Once I had the actual facts, then I could explain that it might be real in his imagination but that he couldn't tell people it was fact. He had to be able to learn the difference between what he thought and what was real and to do that, he had to find out what the facts were. I would ask him if it was his reality or the truth. He eventually figured it out.
You aren't going through the same thing with Christian from what you have said but I think the principle is the same. Explain to him that he should never repeat anything unless he has all the facts. Tell him if he hears you talking and its disturbing to him, that he can and should discuss it with you. You may not want to answer his questions but its the only way to make sure he doesn't get things that mixed up again.
When he tells you something that doesn't sound quite right, ask for specific information until you are satisfied and if you think he has come to the wrong conclusion, tell him so and tell him why. Point out that that is why he shouldn't repeat anything without having all the facts.
I hope it helps but if it doesn't, have the Canadian DSS stop by here on their way to Canada with Christian. I have a kid who could use a nice vacation. Maybe I should say I could use a nice vacation. Do tell them that when he has become a model child I want him back.
susieb
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this! I really feel for you because I have the same kind of kid. He can't keep something to himself if his life depended on it! I think you just have to try to mitigate the damage by continuing to make the explanations you've been making. Don't let him off the hook for this. He may be in his room, PO'd because you're mad at him, but don't let him guilt you into not holding him responsible for what he's done. I'd continue to give him down the road about it and really impress upon him how hurtful his actions were and how disappointed you are in him.
misty
Lisa, It might also be helpful to have HIM explain to the people he told that he was wrong...that he had made that up. That way he sees how its no fun when he has to own up to it & admit he was wrong. Perhaps you should go with him when he does it, or at least be close enough that you can see he actually did it. Maybe next time he'll remember what a pain it was to rescind a story with mom right there & think twice before repeating THAT mistake!
Have you called your friend to explain what happened? It sounds like you are close enough that she'll understand that you didn't betray her.
Charlie Girl
I think he really did believe what he heard. He only heard part of the story and repeated what he thought it meant. I would be willing to bet that he was very upset about it, thinking his friend's mother was giving him to another country because of his behavior.
It wouldn't hurt for him to apologize and explain that he was wrong but I wouldn't accuse him of lying. Pointing out that he needs to make sure of his facts because things like this happen and end up hurting people when they aren't true is more likely to convince him to act responsibly. Calling him a liar when he thought he was repeating the truth may have the opposite effect and shut him down to even trying to do the right thing next time.
I see the beginings with Jake and I know sometimes they need that creativity but not at the expense of someone elses feelings. I have a phrase from a famous black and white movie i don't know off the top of my head (no sleep sorry) "Just the facts mam" sometimes after I have explained to him seriously a situation there is code phrases that he hears that make it easier for him to flow from one thought to the next. for example get in the car and get your seat belt on (we would be all day if I waited) but it's a race are you gonna beat your brother I think I'm winning oh you beat me good job. It's not the same but the plan is the same. We have to use a lot of tricks for a lot of different situations thats just the first one that comes to mind (sorry still tired) I think it might help if you label GOSSIPING 
as a bad behavior that could hurt people he might understand and if you came up with pretend gossip about him and asked him how it made him feel, that might work to. Cristian has no belly button he was born from a chickens butt, or Christian eats worms for breakfast. 
You don't want to be to harsh but something simple might make him see he could get his own feelings hurt and thats not nice. It's just a thought I have been pondering because my 5 year old has been getting very imaginitive with his conversations. I hope to hear some more because I don't always get the right trigger the first time so it helps to know a few and then stick to the one that works best 
I talked to the teacher today she did not see anyone else in the library while they were there thursday. it might be something he learned at the bus stop after school. Which is possible because the high schoolers and the jr high schoolers all get off the bus in the same spot so it is possible it was a large teenager 
I cant get him to be quiet to find out for himself. There is only 2 times hes quiet when he is playing video games (educational) and when he is sleeping 
;D I really am loosing my grip on being patient. I go to work for piece and quiet (night) I don't know how else to tell him SSSSHHHH nicely. I'm sorry to vent all over Christian's thread but you understand you've been there done that worn the tee shirt 