adhd emotional issue question

[julie]

My 10 yr old son, Sam has adhd, odd, dysgraphia and possibbly capd. Last month my mother died rather unexpectedly. They were extemely close. She picked him up from school each day and kept him until I got home from work and on Fridays she kept him all day (he doesn't have school). She and my dad took him on vacation every year and just loved and doted on him. He has always said that he loves Grandmommy best!
My question is this, after the initial shock and emotions he has not really displayed any more emotion and does not talk about his Grandmommy. This has me somewhat concerned. The only way I can tell that this is affecting him is that he has started sleeping with me (again). He tells me it is temporary. I don't ask I just let him be comforted with my presence.
Do ADHD kids consistantly react to great emotional upsets this way at this age? Or is this just the way some kids react, ADHD or not?
Any insight will be appreciated.

[charliegirl]

I can't say that any kid will react in a certain way. They are all unique and all handle their grief differently. I do know that guilt, anger at the one who has died and denial are all part of the grieving process so you may want to watch for them.

I'd just give him some time and watch him so you can deal with whatever issue he is dealing with at the time. He also may be concerned about discussing her with you because he doesn't want to cause you to remember and hurt more. Its ok for you to let him see your grief and encourage him to share his with you.

He may be sleeping with you because after losing her so unexpectedly he has realized how quickly someone you love can die. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he is afraid on some level that he may lose you. You may want to find a way to reassure him that you are strong and healthy and its unlikely that anything will happen to you.

I want to offer you my condolences. My father passed away years ago and I remember how hard that was. I can't imagine losing my mom.

[jj]

I'm so sorry about your Mom.

I do think everyone reacts differently to loosing a loved one. I know when my sister passed away I didn't want to talk about anything that had to do with her. I just had to put all thoughts of her out of my mind and it took several years before I could even bring myself to talk about her.

I do think Charliegirl has some good advise about reassuring him about your health and that you won't be going anywhere for a long time. I know he has to be thinking about that at some level.

My sympathies for your loss.

[misty]

I'm so sorry for your loss!

I agree with the others that this probably not an ADHD trait,but just a kid not knowing how to deal with his grief. I think you are handling things right by just being there for him & letting him be comforted however he needs comforted.

[katiekat]

I went through the same exact thing Julie and my son reacted in pretty much the same way. My son was almost 10 when my mom passed away very young and very suddenly. They were also close and he spent many weekends with her. He is not ADHD or anything else. After the initial shock...nothing. He doesn't really talk about her and shows no emotion when it comes to the situation. He does have a few things that belonged to my mom that he is very protective of but that's really it. My niece who is the same age-(no ADHD either) was quite the opposite. Very emotional, extremley upset and still has nightmares 2 year later. I often wonder if it is because she chose to go to the viewing and funeral and my son chose not to. I think it's normal whichever reaction they have-it just depends on the kid.

[jill]

I am sorry about your mother losing a mom is hard I have been there myself. As for your son he may still be in denial and it is affecting him by wanting to sleep next to you. There are stages in grief first step is shock then Denial he may be stuck in that. He may not be ready to deal with it yet. I do hear from some adults with ADD/ADHD they have a hard time expressing themselves

[julie]

Thank you for your encouragement , suggetions and support. I am blessed to have found this website.

[lostmyshoe]

Hi Julie,

I just saw your post and am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad about 3 in a half years ago and my daughter was almost 10. I took it very hard and didn't realize that I was not sharing the grief with my daughter. I couldn't even talk about him when it first happened and I just wanted to be left alone. Becca actually became angry with me and angry with the whole situation. She wanted everything to be normal again and got very angry when it wasn't. Having ADD myself probably made it harder. It's good that your son is staying close with you. I experienced the opposite. It took some time and a lot of talking but we finally got Becca to talk about her feelings. Her reaction was a mixture of anger, confusion and sadness all mixed together. In my daughter's case she was affected by the ADD because she was a little behind in maturity and just couldn't cope very well with the situation and it didn't help that I was out in left field for a while. The emotion she displayed the most initially was anger and then the sadness gradually worked it's way through. Having to help her cope actually helped me to get through it as I had to really put my own feelings aside and think of her first. I realize it's inevitable that I will lose someone else in my life and the one thing I really learned was that no matter how much pain and sorrow someone may be feeling, when you have a child you have to put aside your own feelings and help them to grieve too. From your post I can see that you are totally there for your son and he will get through it knowing he has your love and support. Only time will heal the sadness and sometimes it is just time that a child needs to work it out in their heart and mind. The best thing is to just keep communications open and be there when they want to talk or even not talk. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

[unicorn]

Julie - I too am very sorry for your loss. I agree with all the other words and advice. I think that he wants to keep you close and that he isn't ready to let go of her yet.

My daughter is 9. She has seen her grandparents just about everyday of her life. They pick her up from school and camp. Have helped her with homework before i get home. They are my sitters if I want to do something. She spends the night there. When that time comes that they are no longer with us, it'll devistate her. She already has fears of me dying. So this would send her into the same mode as your son. Wanting to sleep with me, and the other things that are going on with your son.

My prayers are with you and your son, through the grieving process.