ADHD or Pre-teen attitude???

[misty]

Thread Started on Mar 31, 2006, 1:27pm »

My daughter has been VERY hard to get along with lately. As I think about her behavior I have to wonder how much is ADHD & her LDs coming through & how much is normal, almost 12 behavior. Whatever it is, its driving me NUTS! #00emote3# She comes home, drops clothes everywhere & always has some excuse not to go back & pick them up. She has taken a shower EVERY day of her life, yet she cant remember to hang up her towel. She refuses to do things for herself like get a drink, set her clock, pick up her dishes, etc. She tells me "no" ALOT, even over the simplest requests. I thought we were past the "Terrible 2's" but they seem to be starting all over again! #33pms#


Linda

Excuse me but I am laughing here....but I am sure you don't think it is funny!!! BEEN THERE!

Age 12 is terrible!! It is hormones and age...I don't think it has a darn thing to do with ADHD! ;D



lillian

LOL! My twelve-year-old son will ask, "Can you get me some milk," while he's sitting on the couch twenty feet away from the T.V. watching a show. He walks through the door at the end of the day and tosses his bookbag in the middle of the floor, takes off his shirt and leaves it on the steps, takes off his shoes and leaves them in the hallway. I always say that I know what direction he went it, by following his trail of books and clothing. Attitude wise, though, I think he's doing great. He's becoming a lot less social, which has me very concerned because he used to be one heck of a social animal, but I enjoy his company so much that I don't mind his hanging around the house all the time. I just don't think it's healthy.



misty

Lillian, My daughter has never been the type of social kid that goes off with her friends constantly. I never minded either because 1. Like you said, I enjoy her company. On her good days anyway. And 2. I figure that will come soon enough & then I'll be WISHING she were home more! And 3. I dont want her growing up so FAST!

The pre-teen attitude, I have a feeling, is a female trait. They're getting their periods too so theres PMS to contend with. My poor dad lived with 3 females (My mom, my sister, & I). Its amazing he's still sane! LOL But he looks at my daughter & tells her shes JUST like I was at that age!


lillian

So you wouldn't worry about his becoming less social? He's down to one really good friend and one casual friend. This is a kid who used to have a house full of kids over on the weekends. Now, it ain't happening. He doesn't seem depressed about it, and he doesn't seem to want to do much to change it--join a church youth group, join a card playing group, join the scouts, etc. I've recommended all these things, and he says no. He's willing to go shopping, bowling, out to eat, or to the movies with me. I've become his best friend. It's different, but like I said, I enjoy being around him, so I don't know.

[misty]

misty

I don't know, Lillian. I dont blame you for worrying, since your son is acting different than whats normal for him. I don't see how you can force him to be social without forcing him away from you, and you don't want that since hes entering the teen years & you definately want those lines of communication to stay open!

You said he doesnt seem depressed about it or seem to want to change. It could be that hes just growing away from the things that used to interest him. I guess if I were you, I'd keep suggesting activities from time to time without pushing too hard & I'd encourage him to invite the 2 boys hes still close to along whenever its possible. To the movies, the mall, whatever.

I guess the teen years are going to be a rocky road to navigate & as long as we know our kids are still coming to us & can trust us with their problems, we will survive!

Lets hope Linda, or someone else whos been down this road already will reply here. They will have better advice that I do, I'm sure!


annem

Misty .... welcome to the "early" teenage years .. !! ... 12, 13, 14 ... UGH UGH UGH !! ... For us the worst was age 13 .. and the "very worst" lasted around 6 months .... but that whole period of time was sooooooo not easy!! I can sit back and laugh now with an almost 18 year old... but .. but ... the memories of that time are not pretty!!

Lillian HI !! .. I also remember my own son going through a stage around the same age of suddenly DROPPING all his friends and wanting to do things with me on a constant basis .... this was SIMULTANEOUS to what Misty is going through !! .. I also worried about it at the time ... but after a few months of this (which just like you worried me!) it reversed itself and off he went as the sociable, friendly guy again !! .. I still am not sure what caused this at that time .... but it went on for a few months ... at around age 12 ...

Sorry !! I am not being much help ... but I dooo relate ... to both of you!!



lostmyshoe

Boy does this thread hit home!! My daughter is going to be 12 in June and thinks she is 21. She tells us she needs more independence and that she feels like a slave when she has to go somewhere with us that she doesn't want to go. Imagine that, we are no longer parents, we are slave masters. As far as I see it, she is spoiled rotten and gets her way quite a bit. It does make things harder with both her and myself having ADD inattentive, but family counseling seems to be helping.

We have been setting gound rules and consequences instead of the usual screaming and yelling. My psychologist said that now is the time to get things under control because it will only get harder later. We are doing better, but it is a slow process when you are so used to old habits. Wish us luck and good luck to all of you too. Dee



laurapalmer

this is hillarius! my daughter is 14, & last month i took her to my younger daughter's neuro, & they are testing her for add! i think it is typical teenage behavior....but her history teacher mentioned something to me about a reading comprehension problem, so that is why i brought her w/me to the neuro. she goes again in 2 wks...we'll see what the neuro thinks....



lostmyshoe

It was a teacher at school that suggested I get my daughter tested also. He noticed that she seemed to have some trouble focusing and staying on task. After she saw two different doctors she was formally diagnosed with ADD and now with a 504 plan in school she is doing great. I hope everything works out well for you too with your daughter. Dee


Charlie Girl

My 11 yr old is the same way. He never can seem to figure out that he isn't getting anywhere with the attitude. He is also very sarcastic lately and when you call him on it, he can't understand why you think he was sarcastic. Aaaaargh!

Only 7 more years to go!

[misty]

misty

I'm wondering, now that Shannon is 12, How much of her behavior is genuinely ADD-related & How much is normal pre-teen rebelliousness.

When her walk to her friends house takes 3 times too long, is that Impulsiveness (She has to stop & look at this or go a different route) or normal "I can do what I want" behavior?

When She doesn't want to go to bed at night Is that Her mind working overtime (ADHD related), or just a normal part of her growing independance?

When she "forgets" to pur her clothes in the hamper, dry up the bathroom floor, take her dishes to the sink, etc, is that the inattentive part of ADD or just rebelliousness?

I mean it used to be so easy, but now that shes older, how do you tell whats ADD & whats part of pulling away from the parents?




Charlie Girl

I haven't heard that ADHD gets worse when they get older as far as behavior. If she was always good about doing something and then suddenly decides not to do it, I would take that to mean she is acting from hormones and attitude rather than ADHD.

Since my son is a bit younger than Shannon, I am going to watch this closely. LOL My daughter didn't get worse about taking care of things. She got better. She was a good kid until a friend died when she was 14 and she decided being good didn't pay, so I am just going by the small changes I saw in her up to that point to determine what is normal.



john

Whoa ! Thanks for such EASY QUESTIONS ~ [image]

I think just about ALL (pre) teen's Love to stay up late . . . I know I did ( and listen to early FM playing all kinds of new Weird Music [now called OLDIES] or READ ).

And FORGET about picking up clothes/dishes > > > Unless you want to become ''MommyNagger''. We let Rachel keep her room pretty much as she wants it (except for dishes/cups laying around). If she wants to have 2 feet of clothes/books/shoes on the floor that's OK. About every six weeks we will make her ''FIND THE RUG'' and vacuum her room.
Dawn [image] Remember :

1. Pick your Battles

2. This is a Great way to Strengthen your PATIENCE Muscles !

[misty]

lostmyshoe

Hi Misty,

Gosh, I so much can identify with you. I am going through the same thing with Becca. She started maturing kind of early so I've been dealing with the hormone issue for a few years now. In Becca's situation I do think hormones have something to do with the rebeliousness along with the ADD. With the combination of the ADD and her hormones it sometimes affects her impulsive control too. I think the hormones may exaggerate some of her behavior but it doesn't necessarily mean the ADD is getting worse. I don't let her use it as an excuse to be disobedient or disrespectful. I try to be more sensitive when it is a certain time of the month but will not allow her to be abusive to me without consequences. I did make the decision not to put her on medication because she does so well in school and most of the time, so I am willing to deal with some issues at home. When involved in a problem with her I find that the more calm I stay, the better. Of course that doesn't always happen as I am only human but when I am calm and level headed she is more apt to listen to me. Today for example, she ate chips in the office and made a mess on the floor. I told her she would not use the computer until it was vacuumed up. It was cleaned up and by her. I also told her she will not eat in here again. I confess, I did raise my voice a little. I do have to nag her sometimes, but ya know what, I have no problem with that no matter how much of an army sergeant I may seem like. Consequences and repetition are two big words in my vocabulary.

My daughter and I have a good relationship but there has to be a dividing line between friendship and parent and the parent part comes first, even if she hates me sometimes, because it's for her own good. No matter how many times I have to tell her, I will continue to remind her to pick up her clothes and her wet towels, to brush her teeth and pick up her other messes. Sometimes I don't have to say it more then once or twice because she is so sick of hearing it and just does it. Yes, I get tired of having to remind her of things all the time but eventually it does sink in. I realize that now is the time I really have to stand firm, even if I am the enemy sometimes.

It's really really hard some days, but when I see an improvement, even small, that makes it all worth it. Sorry so long a post but I so much know what you are going through. I truly believe she will calm down eventually as she gets older but for now I'm preparing for rough waters ahead. Glad to know I am not alone and I have support from everyone here and that goes both ways. So hold on tight and we'll get through this rollercoaster ride together.
Your Friend, Dee



misty

Thanks, Dee. It sure does help knowing I'm not the only one (Even though I wish this on no one!).

I think in my original question I worded something wrong, because everyone seems to think I meant the ADD is getting worse. I didn't. I meant that it is harder to tell the difference between ADD behavior & normal rebellious behavior than it was when she was younger.

My daughter's not on meds either. With the IEP in place, she's doing so much better in school & shes never been a behavior problem (in school).

I really hate the nagging. Sometimes at the end of the day I feel like the only interaction I've had with her all day is nagging, yelling & correcting. I know I'm wrong,....I mean we do talk & do fun things together & I do praise her when its deserved, but if the nagging overshadows the good in MY mind, whats it like for HER? I'm really trying hard to come up with better, more effective ways of getting through to her.

You're right that these things do sink in over time. Today she actually remembered to call home when she got to Anjelikas house! YIPEE! It took MONTHS of groundings, yellings, nagging, calling THERE when she forgot to call here, etc. Finally yesterday I told her we were done playing games. Either she calls me when she gets there or she doesnt go there.

she called.

Cause for celebration!~ [image]

[misty]

katiekat

I'd go with regular old pre-teen behavior. My older son Joseph (almost 11) does not have ADHD and this kind of stuff is starting with him. He thinks he should be allowed to do whatever he wants. He is terrible about calling and checking in and he rarely cleans up after himself. His clothes are on the floor NEXT to the hamper. He had the nerve to ask me the other day if I could take him and some friends to the mall and leave them there. HELLO you are 10!!!



unicorn-tiff'smom


I'd go with pre teen behavior too. She knows what she should be doing, i.e putting clothes in the hamper, clearing her dishes, etc. But I remember as a teen I didn't want to do those things either. You seem to have gotten her into the routine of doing these things, I do think it is a new testing mechanism with you. I think that with the patience you have and her knowing right from wrong, she'll be ok soon.


lostmyshoe

Misty,

I do know what you mean about wondering which is which. That is a tough one for me too. I do agree with Uni and Katie that most teenagers do go through a period of rebelious behavior ADD or not but I think sometimes the ADD can exaserbate the behavior. Sometimes Becca goes way over the top over something and it takes a while for her to calm down. I also feel the same way you do after a whole day of nagging. I feel bad too and am also trying to find a happy medium. Becca and I do have a lot of fun together but sometimes I just have to put my foot down when she is way out of line and continually ignores me. I really do cherish the fun times we have and I try to have more of them then the rough times. The most fun times for us is when we just let it all hang out and be totally silly. Laughter is a great thing and we do a lot of that. I'm always open for new ideas too, so please do share if you come up with something better then nagging too much. Guess I should add myself to the Naggers Annonymous members, LOL. Dee