Post by jfla on Feb 7, 2007 16:46:20 GMT -5
Living Around the Now Child by Dan Woodward and Norma Biondi -1972
Excerpt:
"This book is written to attempt some connections between behavior at school and behavior at home, to present possibilities for a new point of view. It's a book about observations and consequent attitudes --it deals with the whole child, mostly with his unarticulated point of view. Seeing problems from the child's point of view untangles some puzzles, relieves some guilt, and allows an approach based on understanding, not blame.
This isn't a book of prescriptions for remediation of school subjects, of visual-motor training, gross-motor coordination, or any of the rest. This book is about providing a climate which permits these children to grow as parents and teachers provide opportunities and management based on what is, and not on what ought to be."
* * * * * * * * * * *
"...We professionals call him names:
hyperkinetic impulse disorder
maturational lag
neurologic imbalance
learning disability
perceptually handicapped
hyperactive child
(there are at least 33 more) Note: this was in 1972
...and different professionals call him different names...and we decide that the problem is due to "poor inter-professional communication." We have interdisciplinary meetings and decide that we'll all call him the same name. We talk about the "organism." We talk about "the motor system." We talk about "the sensory system." We talk about "the perceptual system." We get so interested in fragments we forget that we are fragmenting this child whom we describe as fragmented. We sail into the abstract, never-never land of technicalities and long words. We find people and systems to blame, and we use blame as the bucket to hold all our beads because we have no cord to string them on."
* * * * * * * * * * *
"This book makes use of the observations made by parents and teachers of "these children" as well as the behavior and observations of "the child" himself. They live together and this records the comic and the tragic in their attempts to assist the child to be more livable and lovable. They are doing the job now and want to do it better."
* * * * * * * * * * *
A Child's View
The Child Speaks With Straight Tongue
Believe him. He is puzzling because he isas we see him..There is a strong possibility that he is so uncomplicated we cannot easily understand it.
He Does Not Have Ulterior Motives
He is direct. There is not indirect to him. Something seems to be missing that prevents him from acquiring the skills which would permit him t play the ordinary social games that we play with each other.
What is lacking? The capacity for seeing the shadings. He misses the indirect, and so misses the subtleties, the implications. For example, he doesn't know that you depend on him for you to feel good. He doesn't know that eating oatmeal you fixed is a way of making you feel good. He thought it was for him. But you assume that if he doesn't eat the oatmeal he knows it is a way to make you feel bad. He doesn't perceive what you need, unless that need is obvious, something he can see. It goes both ways with him.
"You need something--here."
"I need something--give it to me."
He doesn't often ask for things. Instead, he tells you what he wants, and he expects you to give it to him. He seldom says, "Thank you." He acts as if he deserves everything he wants; he has a natural right to it and if he lets you know that he needs it, wants it, he will receive it. He expects to get it. It doesn't seem to him that anyone ever does him a favor."
He is a great behavior modifier!
He doesn't feel powerful as you think he does. He doesn't feel that he has manipulated, because he didn't plan it that way. He really does not have ulterior motive.
He is powerful because he has no power. He lives mostly for the moment. He understands now--not yesterday or tomorrow. When he does something we don't like and we ask him what he thought would happen, he doesn't know because he doesn't consider the consequences --because he deals only with the present. He does not carry the past with him. He doesn't know about tomorrow until it gets here.
Time is not the same for him as it is for us
Events are not connected in time for him. He is not trapped by his past as we are--and his present is not molded by the consequences of the future. (How could he possibly fit our definition of "responsible behavior"?)
He dances to a different tune
He waits until the last minute to ask for something and is unaware of the time it will take to meet his demand. He doesn't know about the time and preparation that precedes an event. There's not sense of cause and effect. He doesn't know about sequence--the steps it takes to arrive someplace. sequence is ordered events--doings strung out in time.
Possessions do not become a part of him. He is not distraught when he loses something--until he needs it again.
He doesn't feel guilty
We feel that he has it too easy--he suffers only at the moment. He doesn't carry it with him all the time. He doesn't understand the basis on which you are expressing your anger. He fails to see that it stems from his behavior. What did he have to do with it? When he asks, "What are you mad about?" he isn't trying to shift the blame. He is asking an honest question. He doesn"t know. Long explanations about his responsibility do not clarify the matter for him. We are as puzzling to him as he is to us.
He's so irresponsible
He can't put himself in your place with your feelings. We burden him by giving him choices.We give him the opportunity of making the right choice, which is the one that will please us, but he doesn't see it from that point of view. He seems tactless, insensitive because he doesn't know that he is obligated to make us feel good.
He doesn't play social games
He has trouble getting started with a task. He has trouble finishing a task, and yet he has to have closure--some things he will keep at half the night. He loses organization with surprises.
He's so unpredictable
In the same way he forgets his spelling words or where he puts his book, he might walk away from something he is eating and forget about finishing it. He might not think about it again until he sees someone else eating. Then, he wants some, too, and he examines everyone's plate to see who got the most.
He always has to be first
He doesn't hold a grudge. He forgives and forgets easily. There is not too much to talk to him about; everything is settled in a hurry. He appears to be naive and gullible and is easily led or misled.
In view of all that has been said, this child does have a structure that he follows:
He lives only in the moment"
If you can understand how it is with him—that--
-he doesn’t bug you deliberately, then you can--(sometimes) be less angry at him and at yourself.
-he has no ulterior motives, then you can--Give him direction more objectively and directly.
-reactions are total but transitory,then you can--Know that you need not match his emotional level.
-saying “no” is not damaging to him, then you can--Say “no” without being afraid
-he truly needs more time to learn values as well as times-tables, then you can--Make your expectations match where he is
-he has trouble making choices and getting started, then you can--Choose for him and point the way
-he loses organization under pressure, then you can--Back off for themoment without feeling he has won.
-he doesn’t carry a grudge, then you can--Forgive yourself if you blow up
-he has trouble with time and sequence, then you can--Help him along the way, show him where to start
-he often doesn’t know he needs help, then you can--Give it without asking him or waitn for him to ask you
-he relates in terms of now because yesterday and tomorrow have less meaning for him than for you, then you can--Be less bothered if he doesn’t feel guilty
-he cant see it from your point of view, then you can--Make an effort to see it from his point of view.
-he is direct and honest in his approach, then you can--Be direct and honest in your approach to him.
-that he is telling you true and his questions are honest, then you can--Answer without sarcasm.
-he believes, when given a choice, that it is a true choice, then you can--Give him honest choices.
-he doesn”t know you need something unless it shows, then you can--Know that emotional blackmail won’t work
-he doesn’t know why you are angry—he doesn’t connect it with his past behavior, then you can--Not hold him responsible for your angry feelings
-he can’t respond to your unspoken requests
, then you can--Say what you mean directly.
The task is to provide a climate which allows you to keep your sanity and him to keep his self-respect."
Excerpt:
"This book is written to attempt some connections between behavior at school and behavior at home, to present possibilities for a new point of view. It's a book about observations and consequent attitudes --it deals with the whole child, mostly with his unarticulated point of view. Seeing problems from the child's point of view untangles some puzzles, relieves some guilt, and allows an approach based on understanding, not blame.
This isn't a book of prescriptions for remediation of school subjects, of visual-motor training, gross-motor coordination, or any of the rest. This book is about providing a climate which permits these children to grow as parents and teachers provide opportunities and management based on what is, and not on what ought to be."
* * * * * * * * * * *
"...We professionals call him names:
hyperkinetic impulse disorder
maturational lag
neurologic imbalance
learning disability
perceptually handicapped
hyperactive child
(there are at least 33 more) Note: this was in 1972
...and different professionals call him different names...and we decide that the problem is due to "poor inter-professional communication." We have interdisciplinary meetings and decide that we'll all call him the same name. We talk about the "organism." We talk about "the motor system." We talk about "the sensory system." We talk about "the perceptual system." We get so interested in fragments we forget that we are fragmenting this child whom we describe as fragmented. We sail into the abstract, never-never land of technicalities and long words. We find people and systems to blame, and we use blame as the bucket to hold all our beads because we have no cord to string them on."
* * * * * * * * * * *
"This book makes use of the observations made by parents and teachers of "these children" as well as the behavior and observations of "the child" himself. They live together and this records the comic and the tragic in their attempts to assist the child to be more livable and lovable. They are doing the job now and want to do it better."
* * * * * * * * * * *
A Child's View
The Child Speaks With Straight Tongue
Believe him. He is puzzling because he isas we see him..There is a strong possibility that he is so uncomplicated we cannot easily understand it.
He Does Not Have Ulterior Motives
He is direct. There is not indirect to him. Something seems to be missing that prevents him from acquiring the skills which would permit him t play the ordinary social games that we play with each other.
What is lacking? The capacity for seeing the shadings. He misses the indirect, and so misses the subtleties, the implications. For example, he doesn't know that you depend on him for you to feel good. He doesn't know that eating oatmeal you fixed is a way of making you feel good. He thought it was for him. But you assume that if he doesn't eat the oatmeal he knows it is a way to make you feel bad. He doesn't perceive what you need, unless that need is obvious, something he can see. It goes both ways with him.
"You need something--here."
"I need something--give it to me."
He doesn't often ask for things. Instead, he tells you what he wants, and he expects you to give it to him. He seldom says, "Thank you." He acts as if he deserves everything he wants; he has a natural right to it and if he lets you know that he needs it, wants it, he will receive it. He expects to get it. It doesn't seem to him that anyone ever does him a favor."
He is a great behavior modifier!
He doesn't feel powerful as you think he does. He doesn't feel that he has manipulated, because he didn't plan it that way. He really does not have ulterior motive.
He is powerful because he has no power. He lives mostly for the moment. He understands now--not yesterday or tomorrow. When he does something we don't like and we ask him what he thought would happen, he doesn't know because he doesn't consider the consequences --because he deals only with the present. He does not carry the past with him. He doesn't know about tomorrow until it gets here.
Time is not the same for him as it is for us
Events are not connected in time for him. He is not trapped by his past as we are--and his present is not molded by the consequences of the future. (How could he possibly fit our definition of "responsible behavior"?)
He dances to a different tune
He waits until the last minute to ask for something and is unaware of the time it will take to meet his demand. He doesn't know about the time and preparation that precedes an event. There's not sense of cause and effect. He doesn't know about sequence--the steps it takes to arrive someplace. sequence is ordered events--doings strung out in time.
Possessions do not become a part of him. He is not distraught when he loses something--until he needs it again.
He doesn't feel guilty
We feel that he has it too easy--he suffers only at the moment. He doesn't carry it with him all the time. He doesn't understand the basis on which you are expressing your anger. He fails to see that it stems from his behavior. What did he have to do with it? When he asks, "What are you mad about?" he isn't trying to shift the blame. He is asking an honest question. He doesn"t know. Long explanations about his responsibility do not clarify the matter for him. We are as puzzling to him as he is to us.
He's so irresponsible
He can't put himself in your place with your feelings. We burden him by giving him choices.We give him the opportunity of making the right choice, which is the one that will please us, but he doesn't see it from that point of view. He seems tactless, insensitive because he doesn't know that he is obligated to make us feel good.
He doesn't play social games
He has trouble getting started with a task. He has trouble finishing a task, and yet he has to have closure--some things he will keep at half the night. He loses organization with surprises.
He's so unpredictable
In the same way he forgets his spelling words or where he puts his book, he might walk away from something he is eating and forget about finishing it. He might not think about it again until he sees someone else eating. Then, he wants some, too, and he examines everyone's plate to see who got the most.
He always has to be first
He doesn't hold a grudge. He forgives and forgets easily. There is not too much to talk to him about; everything is settled in a hurry. He appears to be naive and gullible and is easily led or misled.
In view of all that has been said, this child does have a structure that he follows:
He lives only in the moment"
If you can understand how it is with him—that--
-he doesn’t bug you deliberately, then you can--(sometimes) be less angry at him and at yourself.
-he has no ulterior motives, then you can--Give him direction more objectively and directly.
-reactions are total but transitory,then you can--Know that you need not match his emotional level.
-saying “no” is not damaging to him, then you can--Say “no” without being afraid
-he truly needs more time to learn values as well as times-tables, then you can--Make your expectations match where he is
-he has trouble making choices and getting started, then you can--Choose for him and point the way
-he loses organization under pressure, then you can--Back off for themoment without feeling he has won.
-he doesn’t carry a grudge, then you can--Forgive yourself if you blow up
-he has trouble with time and sequence, then you can--Help him along the way, show him where to start
-he often doesn’t know he needs help, then you can--Give it without asking him or waitn for him to ask you
-he relates in terms of now because yesterday and tomorrow have less meaning for him than for you, then you can--Be less bothered if he doesn’t feel guilty
-he cant see it from your point of view, then you can--Make an effort to see it from his point of view.
-he is direct and honest in his approach, then you can--Be direct and honest in your approach to him.
-that he is telling you true and his questions are honest, then you can--Answer without sarcasm.
-he believes, when given a choice, that it is a true choice, then you can--Give him honest choices.
-he doesn”t know you need something unless it shows, then you can--Know that emotional blackmail won’t work
-he doesn’t know why you are angry—he doesn’t connect it with his past behavior, then you can--Not hold him responsible for your angry feelings
-he can’t respond to your unspoken requests
, then you can--Say what you mean directly.
The task is to provide a climate which allows you to keep your sanity and him to keep his self-respect."
I was about to conquer the world but then I got distracted by something shiny.
