At what age do they get it?

[misty]

notellin........Thread Started on Nov 24, 2006, 11:43pm


My son thinks everyone in his class is his friend, and that he has "millions" of friends. With the one exception of a relationship thats been established for him since age four, no one invites him for play dates or to parties. I see the looks on other kid's faces. He clearly annoys them with his funny faces, talking to loud, invading personal space. But he does not see it. I'm thinking that this is going to sink in soon. He is seven and a half. When will he perceive what is actually going on?


Charlie Girl

My son is 11 1/2 and he doesn't "get it" yet. The kids he knows seem to like someone one day and not like them the next so I have no idea when the ball will drop and he will realize they aren't really friends. He doesn't get invited to their parties either and just doesn't understand why.


jill

My daughter is 7 and is oblivious and feels everyone is her friend and yes annoys others. I have also seen the looks from other kids when she is in hyper mod the look of "what is your problem". I think teachers refer to everyone in the class as be good to your neighbor friends that could be where it stems from. Whenever my child gets the look my heart breaks everytime for she is sweet and has a lot to offer given the chance. I wish life for our children did not have to so difficult.


unicorn-tiff'smom

my daughter too thinks that everyone is her friend. even children she meets at a playground for an hour and never sees again are her "friend". I guess I am the lucky one here. she really is very social, she always has invites to parties and playdates. she is more inattentive so she really doesn't annoy children too much.

[misty]

misty

I'm in the same boat, Uni. My daughter is inattentive type too and not so annoying to other kids. But she's very selective about her friends. If they lie to her or gossip about her even once they are no longer her friend. She doesn't like to give second chances either. As you can imagine, this leaves her with only a few CLOSE friends..although everyone seems to like her & she has hundreds of friendly acquaintances.


notellin

Oh boy, my son is the combo type. I was really counting on him just getting it one day due to maturity. Has anyone tried explaining it in detail? For example, watching a situation, and then later explaining what went wrong, why, and what they should do next time? I have been telling my son that when he makes faces at his neighbor in class and she ignores him, that means she does not think it is funny and that he should not do it anymore. He was surprised. Has anyone tried social skills classes or cognitive behavior therapy?



crazyhouse

I try not to be the barer of bad news but here goes. My husband is 31 yrs old he still makes friends where ever we go (unfortunately I am on the other end of the spectrum to an extent) my mother in law told me when he was a child where ever they went he made friends gas stations out of state on vacation ect ect. He talks to people all the time didn't I go to school with you? did we hang out? hey that's so and so! It drives me nuts. He has borrowed people money that are really not his friends (co-worker) and never got it back movies, video games, shirts, pants. He is getting better but I cant tell you how many movies we have lost to people because he can't remember who he loaned them to!!!! My 5 year old is just as personable but he annoys other children as well ( hes very hands on) personal space is null and void at my house!! Sometimes I duck and look the other way. Sometimes he introduces me to people in my PJS sometimes he hands me the phone in the shower!!! Drives me nuts OK I hope I helped somone thanks for coming up with a topic that I could vent over

[misty]

Charlie Girl


My son had a pull out in 2nd grade where he would go have one on one with a para who played games with him designed to help with social skills. The would look at pictures of people with different expressions and discuss how that person was feeling, what to do if you saw that expression on someone's face when you were with them. They discussed personal space and I don't know what else. They also had time when they would get together with 2 or 3 other kids who were doing the same thing.

It was fantastic. I did have to work with my son at home but those pull outs made a big difference. Unfortunately it was something the district was trying for one year only and they didn't get a grant the following year and let it go. He still can recognize the facial expressions but without the ongoing support and help learning to control things at the developmental stage he is in, he has lost much of what he could control.

That said, if you can get him into something like that, I would grab the opportunity. Keep him going as long as possible. If I had the chance, even at 11 1/2, maybe especially at his age, I would enroll him in a heartbeat.


misty

I bet you could do some of what Charlie Girl just described at home too. You could even get some cousins or close friends in on it & do some role playing where he touches them or stands too closer & has to read the expressions as they react to what he's doing. Then, when/if you do find a class, you'll be a step ahead.



notellin

Thanks!! I am contemplating a pretty intensive approach, and perhaps it is the right thing to do. I have him scheduled with a therapist who specializes in children/ADHD/behavior therapy. I was going to ask the therapist to focus on social interactions/social intelligence. Also, I found a social skill class that runs bi-monthly Jan-June, and another at an ADHD clinic that has a series of six 2 hr sessions in the spring. I am actually thinking of doing all three. I keep reading posts describing children ages 11 and up who flat out refuse to participate in this type of thing. I'm thinking about approaching it 110% while he's still eager, happy, and willing. Does anyone think this is overkill?

[jfla]

notellin,

No, I don't think this is overkill. I would start it when they are young. Read on.

My son, now 18 and a high school senior, always had friends in the neighborhood and a few he would hang out with at school. His attempts at icebreakers with new kids were sometimes off the wall (Did you know that the speed of light squared is ....) One in a million might be interested in that. As he got older in high school, individual interests thinned out the longtime neighborhood friends. He says that often in school he isn't that interested in a lot of typical high school talk. But converses well with adults and is very polite. Through the middle school years, I checked with teachers to see that he contributed in class discussion and recently I was told that he was the mainstay of a discussion. But these are all controlled discussions. He is not only adhd, but LD in reading and language, dysgraphic and gifted. He takes adv math classes at the local college, and recently explained an AP Physics problem that stumped both the teacher and the class. Altho he shines in some areas, socializing with peers is a weak area. Here is a poem I found the other day which he wrote in a writing class last summer.

Conversation

Sometimes, I feel trapped under a frozen lake,
Observing aquaintences above in heated discussion,
Oblivious to my struggle beneath the ice.

Treading the freezing water reveals only apathetic dialogue,
So in my contemplative silence and bitter solitude,
I chisel my icy ceiling with meek phrases of amity.

Alas, my words sink empty and unnoticed.
Haunted by failed attempts at conversation,
I drift away searching for lost friends.


Edit:
Just wanted to add that he is looking forward to college and meeting more people that are interested in the same things as he.

[notellin]

Thanks jfla. That's a bummer to hear that the neighborhood friendships eventually fizzled out. That's all my son has right now. I have started with the therapist and the social skills class. I've been trying to arrange playdates. I keep striking out. Most parents don't call me back. One did, but never called back for a second playdate. Maybe I'll wait until after the social skills class ends, and then try again.

[jfla]

Hi notetellin,

I am very interested in how the social skills classes go, what topics do they hit on and what your child's response. So keep me posted.

[notellin]

I thought I'd post an update.

My son started a social skills class with 6 other ADHD kids. I observed them for a short while and left really sad because it was obvious that my son had the most severe symptoms in that structured group learning environment -- which mimics the classroom. He is benefitting from alternative treatments when measured against himself, but probably not enough when measured in a more high-level fashion. I see that his improvements are mainly in environments other than the classroom. Maybe the other kids were medicated, I don't know. Except for the fact that he was obviously one of the happiest and enthusiastic kids in the room, it was pretty was depressing.

I have him scheduled to begin a smaller social skills class (4 kids) the week after this one ends.

The therapist who supposedly specializes in children/ADHD/behavior seems to be a boondoggle. My son likes to play with his toys in the sandbox, but does not appear to be getting anything out of it. He is a happy kid, and really has nothing to work out in the sandbox. The therapist said something about him having "some kind of conflict" (b/c he sets up good guys/bad guys in the sandbox). My son says that he doesn't know what else to play in the sandbox because of the type of toys available. Anyhoo, it all seems like a waste of time to me. It's been 5 months now. The therapist said he should be evaluated for NVLD (simply bc he is not getting enough eye contact). It took me 15 minutes on the internet to figure out that my son doesn't fit that profile based on his IQ scores and academic progress (while I muttered "idiot" under my breath). He is not getting eye contact because he has appealing toys in his office and does not have an very engaging personality.

[charliegirl]

I hope this new social skills group works better for you. Even progress when measured against himself is good but I can understand why you aren't jumping with joy.

I don't understand how a classroom type environment would do much for social skills anyway. Isn't the objective to learn to socialize more effectively? It seems like that would be difficult in a very structured environment.

Have you been able to check the new group out to see if its any different?

Here's wishing him the best!

[lostmyshoe]

I hope the new group works better for you too. My daughter is almost 13 and has been having problems on and off at school this year. She only has a small group of friends in school and has some classes that none of them are in and she speaks to no one. This makes her very unhappy. There has also been a small group of children that once in a while like to tease her. I don't have any social skills classes my way so I am investing in some books that my daughter and I can both read. I copied the website below. You can also get some of the books through Barnes & Noble or other bookstores. Maybe they might help. I'm hoping they will help with my daughter. Wishing you much luck.
www.addwarehouse.com/shopsite_sc/store/html/social_skills_training.html

[annem]

WOw !! Lostmyshoe what a BRILLIANT site ... with some seemingly really good and informative books!!

The "social" side of life has never really been a problem for my son ... we are very lucky on that score ... the worst problem he has socially is an element of shyness .. but that seems to be decreasing rapidly as he gets older (he is now nearly 19).

However, just taking a look at the books on offer on this website ... I think they look GREAT for any parent or child who is struggling with this !! ...