Grandparent Dying

[misty]

crazyhouse...........Thread Started on Nov 30, 2006, 4:43am

I didn't know where to put this, so I thought since I am trying to comunicate with Jake this might be the right spot! Anyways Jake is 5 years old keep that in mind when you read this. Jake's grandmother in KY is terminally ill with the long term effects of post polio. She has the most severe case and for years her kids have known that she would not be around forever. Well over the past 2 years she has gone down hill to where she is suffering. We have gone to visit more on vacation as much as we can. I send lots of pictures. Lots of phone calls so my son is obviously attached and will not forget her. Her doctor told her tuesday and 2 months ago as well that she was living on borrowed time We believe that she is not going to make it through the holiday. I don't want to ruin his christmas and I don't know what to say to him. He has a hard enough time grasping the concepts of day to day life. I don't want to overwhelm him with such a birden. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know I am going to have a hard time coping I dont want to fall apart in front of him



farrah

you are doing all the right things. My fil died when my dds were 3 and 8. I talked to them on how people get sick and sometimes there bodies just can't get well again...so God says come live with me and I will make you well. then I explained hevean and how someday we will be there and get to see grandpa again.

its tough because you have feelings too, but the kids really helped me and my dh with our feelings.

good luck, oh yea there are a couple of kids books out there about death.


jj

I'm so sorry to hear that! I'm not sure what the best way to handle this is. The only thought that comes to mind is to perhaps celebrate Christmas early - just in case?? Maybe even holding back a few presents so if she doesn't pass away on Christmas you could still celebrate it.

I know that kids have to learn about things like this and if you are crying you should just tell them the truth. That you are sad that grandma went to heaven. I don't think trying to protect him from the truth is good. Kids usually know "something" is going on and that may be far worse then the truth.

Perhaps even have a little talk with him that if grandma goes to heaven you will be sad for a while.

I sure hope others have some ideas on how to handle this. I didn't have to deal with this with my step-sons so I'm not talking from experience.

[misty]

misty

Actually, JJ's advice was great! I was gonna say the same thing about not withholding the truth...kids can imagine far worse scenarios if left to their own devices & you know how truly imaginative our ADDers are!

Explain to him that he might see you crying & that will be because you miss someone you dearly love. Tell him that its natural & perfectly alright to be sad & cry & that if losing her makes him sad, he can feel free to let those feelings out. I'd explain too that if he DOESN'T cry, thats OK & natural too. Everyone deals with loss in their own way & you don't want him to feel guilty if he doesn't cry.


Charlie Girl

My grandfather died when I was 6. He had actually come to live with us at the end and I knew he was old and sick but not that he was dying. My brother and I had been sent to spend the night at my aunt's and in the morning my uncle told us that my grampa was dead. I had a very hard time believing it. I even expected him to wake up and get up at the funeral.

I think my parents assumed I knew and understood so they didn't discuss it with me. My brother who was 9 understood he was dying but I was too young. I really think it will make it easier on your son if you do what you can to prepare him.

Try to explain it to him as the others suggested. I think farrah's suggestion is wonderful. I also think that if Jake's grandmother is up to it, having her talk to him and assure him that she may be going to Heaven where she will be all better, but her love will stay with him, might really help also. It will help him understand that she doesn't want to leave him but she has no choice and that to her it will be a good thing as far as not suffering. They will have a chance to say goodbye and to assure each other that they will meet again in Heaven.

On the up side, I was upset for a while but at that age, especially when you aren't used to seeing them often, kids do recover faster than adults. Even with my grandfather staying with us when he was sick, he was too ill for us to spend a lot of time with him so I didn't grieve as long as an older child would have.

If she does go before the new year, maybe you could share with him about it being a wonderful Christmas present for her, being able to be with Jesus and in Heaven where she can run and jump like he can and not ever hurt again, that even though you miss her, it would be selfish to keep her here where she is hurting since her body is too old to get better.

Then reassure him that its ok to miss her. Its ok to cry. That isn't selfish, but she loves him too much to want to see him stay sad and that she will always be in his heart and in his memories.

My heart goes out to you and your family.


crazyhouse

Thank you so much for all the ideas on what to do. I have been so depressed today over this and other stuff going on with Jake. We are going to try to not say anything before xmas, I think he is going to need some time to let it sink in and I don't want him crying over his favorite time of the year We are trying to make arrangements so that he will not have to attend the wake or funeral. I think it would be to much on him and the loved ones to hear why is she in there wake her up! I had nightmares about that. I hope he bounces back as well as other children but I'm not sure he is very Lovie and gets attached very easy. He is alot like me and I have been a mess! I wonder if there is anything else I can do? to make it easier on him Well anyways were supposed to get 10-14 inches of snow and it's coming down yay for playing in the snow!!!! Thanks for all the help

[misty]

katiekat

From my experience I think it is important to talk about what is going on with your son a little bit each day. It is easier when a child is prepared and knows whats going to happen rather than it being unexpected when it actually happens. Last year my mom passed away, she became very sick suddenly with pnuemonia became septic and after a month in the hospital passed away.It was very unexpected as she was only 56. I gave my son a little update every day-I always let him know she could get better but she may not. I also let him make the desicions about whether he wanted to visit her in the hospital-she was never concious and hooked up to alot of equipment and when I told him these things he decided not to go. My niece who is the same age did want to go. Same thing with the funeral-he decided not to go but my niece went. I am very glad he did not go because my niece became hysterical at the funeral and still has nightmares about it.


farrah

i tried to find the names of the books for kids on death, but had no luck so far.

I understand your choice for the funeral, but I will disagree with you, kids need to see that part of life too. Both my girls have been to many funerals, my oldest, adhd, had some difficulty, but i did not make her go up to the casket, she stayed in the back and said hi to people as they walked in. My youngest wanted to see and wanted to know why and all that. she really took it in and afterwords we talked. I also told her sunday school teacher about it and she did a class on heaven and that really helped.

death is sad and hard and forever, but it is a part of life....


katiekat

While I agree that death is a part of life I would still never force a child to go to a funeral. The first funeral I attended I was 13 and I did not go to the viewing. At my Grandfather's funeral,before I had any children, I remember a friend of the family brought her 5 year old who did not want to be there. She sat on my lap the entire time with her hands over her ears, face buried in my chest crying. And my niece still wakes up in the middle of the night after a year screaming Mom-Mom is so cold-dreaming about the viewing. All kids are different and some are just not emotionally ready to handle things like seeing some one they love dead. On the other hand some are,that is why I think it should be left up to the child.


crazyhouse

Here is Jake's problem you can tell Jake that the snow is cold and he needs to wear gloves and he will keep going as if you never said a word after about 3 or 4 minutes of holding snow in his hand he starts running around frantically screaming cold cold cold. I take him in to the house and put his hands under cool water to warm them up I do this every year. He has no fear or understanding of consquences and day to day life is confusing for him so we have not thrown any religion at him in fear he might be even more confused and unruly then he already is. The only way I can explain it is Jake does not know what he wants to do. He has no clue unless he has done it before and it was extreme fun like chuck cheese. He is always available to go along for the ride. Thats the only way I know how to explain things. If he has a bad day at school he has a nightmare. Bad day on the bus nightmare. Bad day at home nightmare. I definately don't need anymore nightmares.

[misty]

katiekat

I hear you about the nightmares Crazyhouse! We are woken up at least twice a week by Sean with a bad dream. I guess it's stress from school since it never happened before he started kdgtn. I got more sleep when I had a newborn!



crazyhouse

Oh I know Jake was the easiest baby slept thru the night he would eat when you fed him didn't complain about anything. When he was growing in the infant years the Dr. would ask so many questions trying to rule out autism we would spend an hour in the Dr. office for every check up and we still do!! He's a great Dr. but the biggest thing with Jake is there is no fear of consquences, is the only way to explain him. You could tell him to go jump off a bridge and he would do it no hesitation. This scares me in the future with peer pressure at school and outside of school. I guess I am just pre- worrying about the future. When my mom's dog died we told him that he had to go stay with his mommy and daddy. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he had to be put to sleep. I feel horrible now because I'm not sure if I made the right choice in that situation. I wanted to try and let him get older before he had to go thru the motions of morning a loved one.


farrah

this is going to be tough....I still stand by my views of taking the kids to funerals. but in Jakes case, it might be too confusing and a set up for many nights of nightmares. so to avoid that I would not take him. but you will still have to explain where grandma is and why.

good luck with it and I pray that grandma has a peaceful passing.


bugsmom

Crazyhouse...first let me say how sorry that your family is going through such a hard time. My heart goes out to you and your little Jake. Its got to be so hard to go through this at all, but to worry about your little one too, is just an added burden.

I think you have to just go with your gut on this one. If you really feel that he can't handle this right now, then just let it be. It sounds as though he will have a hard time understanding it all and you making arrangements ahead of time is a good one. I think that you may want to prepare a him a little bit so it won't be a total shock to him if it happens quickly. Since it sounds like he really needs a point of reference to really understand the meaning, maybe you could talk about a pet you've lost, or a movie he's seen when someone has passed away. I know we have lost pet fish and hamsters, has he had a loss of that sort of thing? Maybe talking about that would help.

My son was 3 when he lost his first grandparent and he was really too young to really understand. We did take him to the funerral and he is ten now and says he still remembers it. Only you as his parent knows whats best for him so just go with that feeling. Don't beat yourself up about it, you've got enough to deal with right now. Big hugs going out to you and your family (((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))

[misty]

annem


I am so sorry Crazyhouse that you have this sadness happening right now ... and I can certainly understand and sympathise with how and what to tell Jake ...

I agree with the others who say that "honesty is the best policy" BUT not a brutal honesty ... I liked Misty's suggestion on what to say particularly ...

My son (now 18) was 8 when my father died. He and his other young grandchildren did NOT come to the funeral and they were also not taken to visit him when he was very ill in hospital at the end... this was a family decision ... (rightly or wrongly) ... and they all went to school as normal...

However, my niece who was older - 14 at the time and is now 24 was given the option and she did attend the funeral and did visit him in hospital during the last days of his life ... and for the year after his death she couldn't remember him "as he was" but instead all she could see (and I had the same problem!) was him ill on his hospital bed ... or for me it was seeing him actually dead at the undertakers .. (I sincerely wish I had never insisted I wanted to do that!) ..

At aged 5 I would be wary about exposing him too much to either the illness or the funeral ... but instead talk to him ... much as Misty suggested ...


jj

Personally, I hate funerals. I wish there was no such thing as viewings and funerals as they are. And just for the reasons you said, Annem, because that is what you tend to remember. Yes you can over-ride that vision and think of the good times but there is always that flash of them in the casket, of them as they lay dying.

I personally would not take my child to a funeral and never to a viewing and in some cases not to their death bed. It is just too much and I'm talking about young children. As they get older you can expose them to more and more - give them options - so as adults they are ready, as one can be, for what I consider a very tramatic event.

This is just my opinion based on my personal views and experience and I'm not saying what anyone else does is wrong.



Linda

Paul was in third grade when his Great Grand Mother was dying. [image] He was very close to her as she lived next door to us [image] It was a very hard decision for us to make when she passed!

His teacher said no....he can't handle it! But we decided yes and he handled it very well!

I think our kids are blessed with incredible insight and his comment at age 6 was....Granny is at peace now and with her husband! [image]

So I think it depends on the child and you know your child best!

I too am very saddened by this Crazyhouse...be strong! [image]

[misty]

crazyhouse


Thank You all for the words of encouragement and wisdom. I wish it were cut and dry with her illness she is dying of Post Polio disease she survived the most severe case back in the forty's and she was the poster girl for the vaccination. The Dr's are all stuck on your living on borrowed time because 70% of her muscles in her body have pretty much shut down. She went into the hospital again today with resipitory failure. She made it very clear that Jake is not aloud to be brought to the hospital. (not because he is a holy terror but because she doesn't want him to see her that way) I wish it was over all at the same time I wish she would get through to the new year. Call me selfish I would like the best of both worlds. Jake is running wild over Christmas! Everytime I try and approach the situation either my husband is working overtime or I'm on my way to work. I never get that moment to prepare him. All of the advice is wonderful and I think Jake is not going to the wake or funeral. I have a snafu in my plans but I'm sure It'll work itself out.


crazyhouse

OK I am not having a great day. Jake was not the best behaved child today. he said to me tonight Mom I want an ornament just like this one for myself. (on the christmas tree) of course it is a $65 glass ornament! I said well when I die and go to heaven you can have it. (stupid me) I saw it coming "but I want you to stay here" so I explained how along time from now when he was a grown up big boy and had kids and a wife of his own, I would have to go to heaven. (at this point he is crying, I have tears rolling down my face) He says but I want you to stay here. I said honey everyone has to go to heaven sometime, you cant live forever. So then he teared up and said I want you to live here with me, and I said you don't think we will be able to live in this mobil home your whole life? well yeah I said one day I want a big yard and lots of space for toys. Then my husband walks in and asks why were crying and I told him and so my husband took over the conversation. I have been borderline bawling at work all night. I don't feel like I helped the situation at all. I hope I have not depressed my child enough to where I have to go pick him up at school tommorow because he is upset. Oh well heres to a better tommorow