Totally humiliated today by my daughter

[lostmyshoe]

Hi Everyone,

I hope you all had a better afternoon then I did today. I'm still in shock by what happened. I've been trying to get my daughter straigtened out in school lately because she's had some bad grades. I've spent a lot of time emailing teachers and trying to work things out and what do I get for it but total humiliation today. Becca never handed in an assignment and had an F and after I contacted the teacher he was willing this one time to let her hand it in before report card grades were to be turned in for the semester. He would have taken points off but at least it wouldn't have been a zero.

Well, you guessed it. She never handed it in and said she forgot it. Becca also never went back to her cooking teacher to see if she forgot to put her name on her last assignment, so now she gets no credit for it. Both teachers were willing to wait until today for her and she just never went. She said she forgot. I thought maybe we might be able to catch up with the teachers before we left so I drove her back to the school. Becca was annoyed at being rushed but I wanted to at least try.

It turned out both teachers had left so Becca's grades stand. Boy do I feel embarrassed that she never showed up. I have to apologize once again. That's not the worst of it though. While we were in the main office and waiting to find out if any of the teachers were still there Becca starts ranting and raving about having to come back to the school and why can't the teachers just fix the grades and they should be fired and heaven knows what else she said that I didn't catch. She blurted it all out before I even had a chance to react. I was actually reading a notice about grades being in by 3:15 and wasn't totally aware of everything she said. It just so happens the new Principal(whom I'd never seen or met) was standing right there and reprimanded Becca. She told her that you do not lambast the staff and especially not right in front of the Principal. I was humiliated beyond words. I apologized and we left. I'm sure the Principal probably asked who she was after we left.

I am so embarrassed. I must say one thing honestly though. Boy is our new Principal a tough one. She came across as rather harsh. So very different from the last principal who was patient and very understanding. I do realize Becca was totally wrong and out of control though in saying what she did. Becca has another year yet there and I hope today's behavior doesn't make it even tougher for her. What a lesson to learn. Becca cried on the way home. I'm wondering if anyone else has had anything like this happen to them. It was horrible. I felt like crying myself. I know this is ADD behavior. No way someone without it would be so unconscious of her surroundings and blurt out things like she did. It's incidents like this that make me think about medication. I'm just sick.

[laurapalmer]

My kids humiliate me alot too. My oldest has ADD & will be 15 on Sunday. She is not doing well at all in her first year of HS. I am working on that. It is soooo frustrating. And my youngest has a mood disorder & blurts things out of her mouth all the time, especially something like we're poor! (in the middle of Walmart) just because I won't buy her something she wants. Hang in there. And I always remember that poem---something about it won't matter where you lived, etc. etc. etc ---as long as you were important in the life of a child. Or something to that effect. You may be embarrassed at the time, but when you're child grows up you will remember that moment & probably laugh about it......Hang in there.

[charliegirl]

That was a very humiliating position to be in. I'm sorry. I hope that she learned from this. She is suffering the consequences of her actions.

Maybe you could tell her that after that, there was no way you were going to bat for her again like that. If she hands things in late or not at all, its her problem because you worked hard to help her, the teachers bent over backwards to help her, and she threw a fit when she had to accept failing grades because she didn't do her part.

Its a hard stand to take but she sounds like my son. He expects everyone to accomodate him at great expense to themselves and then is upset when he has to pull his weight or pay the price. Its the only way they learn once they have decided the world owes them. We have to fight so hard for them initially that its very easy for them to decide to use their disability as an excuse. Once they reach that point, we have to back off as much as possible and not let them see what we are doing to try to help them.

[puzzled]

My oldest daughter (not dx till adulthood) never did that in my presence, but I am sure that she did many times w/o my knowledge. When she gets on a rant, everybody better look out, because everyone is fair game!

Hopefully the principal will adopt a 'wait and see' approach and not let that not so great first encounter color her entire relationship with Becca...

Would Becca consider writing an apology note to the principal? I have found that teachers and bus drivers (so possibly principals would as well) look kindly on my son after a transgression if he handwrites an apology note. Perhaps that would make the principal more likely to give a second chance to make a first impression.

[misty]

I think Puzzled has a great idea, Losty! A written letter of apology in her own words might at least make the principal give her a 2nd chance & see that there's more to Becca than just the attitude she witnessed.

Does Becca use a daily planner? Perhaps her teacher can make a note in there when Becca's missing work. At least you'd know that way & could question her about it. Maybe if she realizes that you'll know right away every time assignments are missing it'll help her remember to turn them in!

[katiekat]

I agree that Puzzled's idea is a good one. It will help Becca understand what she did was wrong and hopefully will also smooth things over with the new principal.
Sean is that way also-he often says things aloud that are the things we all might think to ourselves but wouldnt actually say. He does not care whose feelings he may hurt or who he may make angry. He just doesnt seem to get that some things shoudnt be said out loud.

[crazyhouse]

I think that puzzled has a great idea as well, this will not only give her a possibility of a second chance in the judgement of the principal but it might show that you are a great parent who is trying to instill values into your child. Which might actually make you feel better a little. I have been having some bad days lately so I understand. During my own school career I went through a lot of anxieties that piled up when the pressure was on to perform difficult tasks like catching up, and sometimes I would just shut down and "forget" Technically. Really you don't forget you drudge over it in your brain and it makes the everything feel much worse than it actually is her blowing up was wrong place wrong time it was her release to make the pressure disappear. This is the way I felt as a kid I hope it helps. The less help she gets the further behind she could fall because personally those negatives keep talking you down in your head and then you get nothing accomplished again. Almost like a rockslide. The more positive reinforcement you get in there the easier the transition can be through this ruff patch. Also someone told me once children were brought into this world to totally and utterly humiliate you that's what makes you and them human and keeps you modest. Hang in there with lots of hugs

[jj]

I sooo understand. Nikki was great for throwing fits in the most inappropriate places. I'm still waiting for that day I can laugh about it.

[charliegirl]

I have to say thats a great suggestion from Puzzled. It will also help her understand that you need to face it when you mess up and do what you can to make it right.

[lostmyshoe]

Gosh,

Laura, CG, Puzzled, Misty, Katie, CrazyHouse, JJ, I can't thank you all enough for the support and great ideas. Some day when Becca is through school and has her own kids we will probably laugh about it. It just seemed so horrible when it happened. I do feel better today and after hearing from you all. I did suggest to Becca about writing a simple little note of apology to the Principal. I think its a great idea. I don't know if she'll do it but I did tell her that the Principal would really appreciate it and respect her for it. Becca actually suggested I send the letter, can you believe that one? I'm sure you can. Not happening. Becca is the one that should write it. I do think Becca learned a good lesson though about keeping her mood to yourself and being aware of your surroundings before she opens her mouth.

I also learned a few lessons too. One being the humbling human experience of humiliation and the other that I am not going to bail her out anymore. We are going to be more strict about her getting her assignments done and continue to be diligent about making sure we know what all of her assignments are and when they are due. We are also cracking down on her about writing everything down in her agenda. All the kids have one to keep track of their assignments.

One really great thing we have with our school is an on-line powerparent that allows us to see her grades and a breakdown of her assignments. We also have a phone number to call to get her assignments that are recorded every night from each of her teachers. We told her that if she is struggling and makes a low grade we understand but F's and 0's are unacceptable. If she gets a bad grade because she was lazy there will be consequences. I know she does need our support and that will continue, but the bailing her out part has to change. It's something I've got to work on because I've done it way too much.

My workload is heavy this month and it's hard sometimes to keep track of both but Becca does come first and my H promised to help get the homework when I get home late. I'm hoping this marking period will be better then the last. I just want to get through February. Thank you all so much for your great advice and support. You are all terrific. I hope you all have a nice weekend.