I need some advice please

[sweetpea]

I really dont even know where to start. I'm sorry if this turns into a really long winded rambling vent but i need to do this.
My son 12 will be 13 in January i'm pretty sure this is puberty stage right? Please someone correct me if i'm wrong. But the things he has been doing is just so inconsistent. So i dont know if he needs meds upped or changed. From school i recieve a daily sheet from every hour. It's getting to be a little over whelming. One day he will be very good in English but really talkative in reading or vice versa. On Monday he asked a girl if he could copy her math paper. Right in front of the teacher. Duhhhhh.. Hellloooo.. Yesterday a girl wanted to copy his English paper and the reading teacher heard and seen all this. She took the paper away and took it to the English teacher who in turned ripped up the paper and wrote on his daily sheet "Jarred will not have his Wed. homework paper because of his behavior in 4th hour" Ok, i dont agree with what he did and he is being punished for it. But why is he so inconsistent, one day he can be really good and other days be really bad. It's not always in the same classes everyday. Then he has 3 classes who never say anything negative "Gym, Science and Social studies" he loves these teachers, he thinks they are so interesting. Thank god for something good. So the classes he is being bad in is Math, Reading and English. These are all the classes with accomadations. Oh and by the way i just signed his progress report for reading it is an A. So i just dont know what to do with the kid sometimes. For now he is grounded off the computer, phone and no friends for the rest of the week and weekend. And last night i made him go to the mall with his sister and I to get her pic taken with Santa and he got in the pic too. Which i havent been able to get him to go for like 3 years. We were waiting for the elevator at the mall and a older gentleman was talking to my daughter and asking her what she wanted for christmas. She told him and then she said and my brother is getting coal for christmas..lol. My daughter told this man my son was naughty in school. This man started telling my son that he was a very succusfull person and he had a lot of money in his bank account. But that he had to buckle down and do good in school. You should of seen the look on my son's face. This man was not being rude or disrespectful, he was just telling him like it was. We walked away and Jarred said I'm sorry mom. I'm going to do better. I can only hope.
Like i said earlier sorry this is long. I just need someone to tell me this will get better one day.

[misty]

I don't know about med changes because my 13 year old DD is not medicated. Your son does sound somewhat like my daughter though. Only with her, its not handing in homework that affects her grade the most. And it is always in math, the subject she hates the most. Thats her learning support class too & the LD teacher is constantly calling me to tell me Shannon is missing work. And I am constantly nagging her to remember to hand things in. I think she just tunes me out now. I'm hoping it gets better too. I think it will if we can get through to them the importance of it. I think its a mixture of ADHD & puberty.

Sorry, I guess I wasn't much help, but at least you aren't alone!

[sweetpea]

Oh my if my son was not medicated. Wow this household would be in total chaos. Sometimes the dog cant even stand Jarred befor the meds kick in. But if your daughter can make it thru everyday life without meds that is good. He also does not turn in his work and thats why we have to do daily sheets.
You were help to at least know i'm not alone. Thanks

[misty]

Shannon's not hyper at all. I can deal with the Inattentiveness without meds. She doesn't cause any chaos...our biggest challenge in the home are getting her to remember to put her clothes in the hamper, clean up after herself, hang her coat up, etc. Her LD teachers are helping teach her organization. Even though she still has some issues, shes come a LONG LONG way. I do give her fish oil, which makes a huge difference. It really helps her be more attentive.

[charliegirl]

Talk to the dr and see what he has to say about the meds possibly needing an adjustment.

Having a grown daughter I can assure you that when puberty hits, its hard on everyone whether the child has ADHD or not. My (ADHD) son will be 13 in April and I am seeing similar behavior in him. Its enough to drive a mother nuts.

I will work with the teachers and think we finally have my son on the right track with homework and then I find out he buckled down for a few days and then the behavior has started all over again.

I think having the hormonal changes play a big part. They don't just ease in quietly. It seems that some days they gush in and create feelings the kids can't control and then other days they just ease off and we see the sweet side. Also, life is hard on a kid that age. Consider that all their friends are going through it also and you can imagine what school must be like. I pity the teachers.

I didn't give any help here but you can see that other kids that age experience similar things. My daughter didn't change much at that age but by the time she was 16, I couldn't live with her. I actually considered whether she should go live with her father and anyone knowing me would know that it would take a lot to get me to consider giving up on my kids. They are my world.

I stuck with it and love who she has become. It wasn't easy but it was worth it. Some days my mantra is "he will grow up and I won't have to deal with this anymore".

When the girl wanted to copy his paper, did he set it so she could? Just having someone ask shouldn't be enough for a teacher to take his paper. It wouldn't be his fault she asked but it would be his job to say no. I'd try to find out.

I think its strange that he only has problems in classes where he has accomodations. Can you find out if his teachers are expecting him to act up and looking for things to find fault with? My son's teachers this year are wonderful. They were quick to tell me that many of the kids in his grade are as bad or nearly as bad has him and aren't doing any better in school. If its the age, then I have to wonder why he is possibly being singled out.

[sweetpea]

I sure do hear you about it going good for a few days, then bam. Right back to square one. But today his daily sheet says he was very good in ALL classes. And he only had 2 worksheets for homework.
I'm going to call his doc tomorrow and see if maybe we could try another 5 or 10 mg. He's on 25mg Focalin Xr. I think hes also pretty big for his age. And i'm not sure if Focalin goes by weight but hes 5'6 and 140 pounds. The doc we see her every 3 months and everytime we are there things seem to be going good.
The thing with the paper i guess i didnt think about it like that. I'm not sure i will have to ask. But the paper is gone now. She ripped it up..lol.This praticualar English teacher who ripped up the paper really just needs to retire. I dont even speak to her anymore. His case manager deals with her. This woman is diffucult. She makes everything harder and confusing than it needs to be. She will not take any ideas i give her. Its her way or no way. She has one teaching style 'old school' This teacher would probably whip him if she could..lol

I will just have to keep telling myself i only have about 5 more years. Then i will be telling myself only 5 more years with my daughter. OMG and i know girls are worse.

[charliegirl]

I just spent 45 minutes on the phone with my son's Alternative class math teacher. He finds out what the regular teacher is teaching that day and then teaches the kids the same thing. My son goes to both classes and gets extra help that way. There are only 5 kids in that class so its very personalized.

Guess what I found out. My son was disruptive in class, murmuring about how the class was so stupid and math was so stupid, etc. He said he didn't catch it all but it shocked him since he has worked successfully with my son for years now and always gotten along well with him. To top it off, my son "forgot" he had class today and went to study hall instead.

I informed my son that if he pulled those stunts again he would wish he had after school suspension because he would have at home after school suspension with nothing fun at all to do for a week at least.

To top it off, he keeps "losing" papers that are sent home for me to sign and send back. Those papers are nothing that reflects on my son. One was just a notice that I had been informed of him being enrolled in the class (at my son's request) and the other was a progress report to show I had seen it. There was no reason for him not to turn them in.

Well Sweetpea, you can see that I do know what I am talking about when I say my son is acting just like yours.

One good thing did come out of it. He is a great teacher but didn't fully understand that ADHD can cause you to be inattentive even when you want to be and that sometimes you will keep telling yourself to pay attention to the point that you still can't keep up. He is now going to try to figure out a way to teach in smaller segments that are more easily palatable and easier to keep their minds on.

I also mentioned possible dyscalculia and he said a teacher at the school had questioned whether her child might have it and given him some papers to read about it. He hadn't read them but said he will now since I also wonder about it. He is realizing it just might be a real condition.

[bugsmom]

Sweetpea...I had to chuckle a little while I read this post, because honestly, I think we have twins! My son will be 12 in April and he is exactly like your son. One day he's with it, the next day he acts like he doesn't have a clue. He is medicated, but but he is so inconsistant.

For example, yesterday he had a rough one. He refused to get any of his work done during school, even though he had ample time, and came home with 3 1/2 hours of homework. And to make matters worst, I was subbing in his school and he knew that his teacher was going to come find me after school and fill me in on his day. I was mortified. She was like, "I just don't know where he was today...I just couldn't get him to focas at all". His English teacher returned a very low graded paper back to him and told him to re-do it for a better grade. He told her that's o.k., he didn't care! I about died!

My son can flip-flop from day to day lately. I was considering upping his meds, but I feel hormornes are really working overtime with him. I talked with his psych today and she wants to wait until Christmas break. She's not one to jump things up too much at this age.

I was subbing in his school again today and seen his teacher during lunch. I asked her if today was better and she said "Yes, he's returned to us". I had to laugh. But, geez...it's enough to drive you crazy.

As for acting differently for different teachers, I have that too. I had a meeting with all five of his teachers last month and we were talking about how he is an angel for 3 of his teachers, yet gives the other two a harder time. I chalk this up to personality and interest in the subject. Both teachers that have a harder time are very strict and tend to over-react to normal boy behavior. The others are very tolerant and much more understanding. My son gets very nervous with the 2 and tends to act out. These 2 classes are also ones that he struggles with the most.

I really don't have any advice...just a shoulder. I so understand your life. We just need to dig our heels in and try to help them the best we can. I'm just glad we all have kids around the same age and we can vent and go crazy together! Hang in there.

[sweetpea]

Oh Charliegirl i sure do feel your frustration. Some days i feel like i spend hours on the phone with teachers and counslers. My son is very lucky to have a awsome guidence counsler at school. I've never heard him raise his voice, he is just a very nice guy and i hope he doesnt retire until my son leaves in a year and a half.

Bugsmom i had to laugh at what you said about twins. I'm sure glad you have the other twin cuz i wouldnt be able to handle two of them..lol
I think you hit it on the head about the teachers. He is just an angel with 3 of them. In fact his Science teachers mother was dying and she was gone from school and i think she is his most favorite, but anyways he was so worried. Everyday he would come out of school saying shes not back yet. When he found out when she was going to be back he was counting down the days. She ended up coming in for parent teacher conference and he seen her he was happy then. I just hugged this woman and said i was sorry for what was happening to her mother and thanked her for what she does for my son. She started crying and so did i. I know that might sound really corny but it takes alot to really be able to keep my son interested. And what ever she does it works.

About the meds. I think i'm going to wait till X-mas vacation also. I didnt think about that but thanks for reminding me. His psych doesnt not like to just jump and change or up the meds either. Thats why i really love her too..lol. I just love everybody cant you tell..lol

[lisacap]

Ok ladies, lets chalk this up to age....Christian is doing the exact same things, turned 12 in September...behavior of a 2 year old right now, has been in detention more than out of dentention this year and for absolutely stupid ridicioulous things...flicking a pencil at someone, pushing someones books of their desk, bopping someoone off the head with a notebook and I could go on. No homework issues with him, or forgetting books, to turn something in etc...but behavior. He has been punished for 7 straight weeks for his behavior in school. I too was thinking meds weren't working, he needed to be switched to something new, or meds needed to be upped, but what I found was, on the weekends when he has been home and punished in his room, he can stay in their very quiet, still, no behavior problems, read a book, because he lost everything in his room, without causing mayham in there. SO my conclusion, the meds are working, we are now dealing with adoloscent hormones. They are kicking in, and they are out of control. I found after 7 weeks of nothing working the best thing for him is to now take it one day at a time. For every day that I DON'T get an email from the teacher saying his behavior is unacceptable he gets to go out, have friends over etc...for every day that I do get an email for his behavior, school work etc..he loses 2 days of going out. Just started this on Monday, spoke with his teachers about it they have agreed to work with me and him on this, and so far, he has been able to control himself in school, and has been able to go out everyday this week. What I did was have the teachers approach him and make it like the reward was coming from them not me. Even though I knew everything that was going on, he came home from school to tell me that he worked out an agreement with his teachers and if he could behave in school and they didn't have to email me, would I let him out etc...so in all reality, he now feels like he is in control of this, that he made the plan with the teachers and that they all came up with the reward and punishment. So far so good. I do give the reminders every morning before he gets out of the car, that if he plans on making plans with his friends for after school, there better be no emails, and as of right now it is working. Maybe some of you can try and switch it around like I did, making the kids think they are in control...who knows how long it is going to work, but I am on day 4 with no detentions, and am pretty happy right now....