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Post by puzzled on Dec 20, 2007 13:25:03 GMT -5
I like him too, kk, but I do with him like I do with any other advice giver....use what I can, leave what I can't....
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Post by carol on Jan 28, 2008 18:14:25 GMT -5
katiekat, You could be repeating a strategy I used to get my son to conform. I do think children need consequences, but they also need rationale and awareness. Children need to see and understand the intrinsic value of acting appropriately. How to teach that, I am still researching. One thing I know that does work, is if the child is made aware of his or her weaknesses. Sometimes, kids can talk themselves out of the bad behavior. Find out how he feels about what is going on in school. See if he will share. When my son has a bad day, it takes everything out of me. I learned to try to stay calm. I set aside a time for us to talk about what happened at school. I also address what he could have done differently. Obviously, your son would have to be in an agreeable mood to talk and also recognize that you are calm and are not going to pass judgment on him. The idea is to have him talk, express how he feels about the negative behavior, how he feels about being that kid in the classroom, the one who sometimes gets scapegoated, the one who will only live up to the expectation in which the teacher is providing to him. I know it seems like he justs wants to be bad, but he probably really struggles with controlling his behavior, regulating his emotions, and making correct choices. Even if he blunders, keep those lines of communication open and tell him you love him anyway. You do not like his behavior, but you still do love him. Hang in there, there will be good days. carol  |
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Post by lcdc1 on Jan 29, 2008 13:06:56 GMT -5
that is great advice carol and I as an ADHD'er have to remember it like a mantra at times, I was having some major communication moments with my 14 year old all of the sudden and until it was pointed out to me by my physc, I did not even realize some of my ownership in the whole thing of putting my daughter on the spot with wanting an answer right away and coming across as impatient and angry most of the time!
What does a kid do with that? They shut down right away! I learned some techniques about timing and presenting the issue at the proper time and not to appear angry or that is what it all becomes about and the kid does not even remember the original issue, it just becomes about the parent being mad at them for no reason!
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Post by jj on Jan 29, 2008 17:12:30 GMT -5
Carol,I like your thinking!
In fact you made me stop and think....How many positive things are ADHD kids hearing about themselves verses negative. I'm sure the negative could out weigh the positive. I love your idea, Carol, of setting aside some time to talk about "whatever" and the key you mentioned is "reserving judgment". If there were always positive feedback like you mentioned - like having them think of ways they could have made a better choice, etc. then this would be a wonderful "safe" time for them and a great time for a parent to learn more of the inter- feelings of their child.
In fact, maybe even take it a step sideways (LOL) and just have some "safe time" with your kid. No matter how bad they were there would always be say, 15 minutes before they go to bed that they aren't in trouble and they can just talk and get snuggles and kisses. Even if they are grounded or whatever. I like that idea because it does reassure the child that no matter how upset we are with a behavior they are still loved.
O.K. I've thought-out-loud long enough. Hee hee.
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