Another heartbreak...

[bugsmom]

I had the most heartbreaking conversation with Josh about how school was going, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

So, were driving home from school and I'm rattling off the usual questions...How was your day? Who did you sit with at lunch? What did you play at recess? I always ask him specific questions, or I'll get standard "fine", "ok", ect... So I've noticed that he hasn't been talking about his normal group of friends, the same friends he has hung out with since pre-school. These kids have been extremely close for many years. His school is very small so you get to really know the kids and their families...sort of like a family in itself. So anyway, I start to question him about how he doesn't seem to mention this particular group of friends that much and I was wondering if there was something going on. Well, that was all I needed to ask, the floodgates were open. He begins to tell me that since school started this group of friends don't want to hand out with him anymore. Apparently, on the first day of lunch he went to sit down with them and they said he couldn't sit with them no more...they said he needed to move down the table! (((((Gasp!!!))))) He was crushed! These so called "friends" have decided that Josh isn't cool enough and he's out. These are BOYS, not girls. I didn't know boys acted this way, I thought it was more a girl thing. So, by this time we are home and we're just sitting in the car and he's still talking, so I'm not moving. He's telling me that these kids have all given each other funny nicknames and refuse to give him one. No one can use the nicknames but them. They also have started some kind of sign signals they flash to each other in the classroom. Well, the teacher caught on to that and shut that right down. This little clique has become some what of a force and won't include anyone else. So, I'm sitting there looking at my beautiful son and my heart is just breaking. I ask him if the kids are being mean to him, and he says "no". I ask them if they've said cruel things to him, and he says "no". I glace over to him and I see one single solitary tear rolling down his face, and he says, "They just ignore me. It's like I'm not even there." I thought I was just going to die! The pain in his voice was excruciating.

We talked for a very long time after this. I tried to explain that people change a lot during adolescence and friends won't always be friends, but it was hard for him to grasp. I mean gosh, these were his buds! He thinks that it has a lot to do with him not being "Girl Crazy", and that this boys just want to hang with the girls, but I don't know. I just think this is so cruel. I just don't like how this has played out. This is a Christian school, these kids know better than to treat other this way. In fact, one of the kids is the Pastors son! My husband is just livid, and believe me, that is so NOT his way. He thinks we should talk to the school about this treatment because he thinks alienation is a form of bullying. I'm torn...and sad. 6th grade sucks!

[misty]

Aww, Man! That stinks so much for Josh! I don't know what the best thing to do would be. At this age if the parents step in it can sometimes backfire & give the kids the extra ammunition of calling him a "Mommas boy". And if you go to the school & they step in, that might change things on the surface, but make them act meaner to him when no adults are around. And since he'll know its just an act they are putting on, it has the potential to make things even worse. But then how can we just sit back & watch our children be devastated?? I hope you can figure out some way to get him back in the group. Maybe you could talk with him &see if he has any ideas that would make him seem cool to them so they would come seeking hos friendship again? Or if you are close enough to any of the boys parents, could you call them & ask them if they know whats going on without them letting on to their kid that you had intervened?

[lostmyshoe]

Hi Bugsmom,

I so know how you feel. 6th and 7th grade are brutal. Becca had a terrible time. There is a clique in her school that have alienated and bullied Becca. I know how heartbreaking it can be and I have spent nights in tears over how terrible my daughter was treated. She does have a small group of friends but was separated from them in a lot of her classes last year and this clique took advantage of that fact and verbally insulted and also alienated her. As I'm sure you've read in my posts, we had to get the school involved and things are smoother this year. 6th and 7th grade are really tough years because that's when the kids start really looking for their identity and sometimes alienating and picking on others is what they do girls and boys both. No one deserves that kind of treatment. You would not believe how many letters I've written, phone calls I've made and meetings I've had with teachers and guidance. It was all worth it though so my daughter could have a peaceful year. Sometimes it's not necessary to get involved and things work themselves out, but if they don't that's when you have to decide whether to get involved. Maybe you could talk to the Pastor about it confidentially and see what he thinks. I agree that alienation can be a form of bullying. My daughter went through it and it was so hurtful. I had to find ways to help my daughter without making matters worse so I did a lot of things behind the scene and so far it has been working out. I so hope that things will straighten out for your son and his friends. I know how heart breaking it is to see your child hurting and no child should have to go through it. Please feel free to PM me anytime about it. I know how you feel. I just went through it. Keeping your son and his situation in my prayers. Hugs to you and your son too.

[bugsmom]

Misty and Losty...thanks for your responses. I'm just so emotional about this right now. I just can't quite figure out what the heck happened. I mean, these kids have been friends forever. They've all come to my house for years and they have all grown up together.

Josh really beleives that its the group of girls that have told these boys not to hang out with Josh. This one particular girl was new to the school last year and all the boys were gaa gaa over her. Shes actually has quite a bad attutude and Josh can't figure out why all the boys like her. In fact he talked to another classmate over the summer and shot his mouth off about how he didn't like her at all and thought she wasn't pretty. I'm wondering now if that got back to her somehow. Hmmmmm??? He has absolutley not interest in the boy/girl thing at all.

I know how cruel adolescence can be...I just don't want it to be cruel to my baby. He has enough on his plate as it is. Lord help me!

[katiekat]

I am sorry Josh has to deal with this. Kids can be so mean. I hope it blows over quickly.

[lillian]

Oh, gosh, I feel so sorry for your boy. Early adolescent kids can be so dang mean . My son had a couple of very bad social experiences in sixth grade--his best friend moving and no longer wanting to keep in touch, his "next best friend" being a real jerk to him on and off (depending on the kid's mood that day), and a girl at school inviting him to her party and picking on him the whole time. I remember thinking that some odd shift had occurred, and my once social animal of a son was going to start having serious problems socially, but it didn't happen. He made new friends and has remained well-adjusted socially. I don't know what kind of advice to give, so I'll just give ((((((((many hugs))))))))). I know how painful it was for me to watch my son deal with all the social meaness at that age. I spent more than one night crying about it. Hang in there!

[jj]

I hate that they told him he couldn't sit with them. I could just weep for what he must of felt like at that moment. And I feel so bad for you because I know it is breaking your heart. I wish kids would think about how they would feel if it were them being pushed out.

Maybe ask Josh if there are any other boys that don't seem to have friends and maybe he could try to befriend them.

I just hope they change their minds at some point soon because I think boys still want to do boy things and not alway be concentrating on girls.

Hugs to you, Bugs and to your Josh.

[charliegirl]

My son went through a very similar experience. His best friend for years didn't want to hang with him and it was devestating. I talked to the boy's father and he told me it was the result of a fight the kids had gotten into when they were at camp. We arranged a play date for the boys and they did start seeing each other but it never did get back to what it had been. My son did end up making new friends. He still doesn't have a best buddy but at least he isn't feeling totally alone.

If there is a parent you feel is approachable, I suggest you talk to him or her and see if anything happened.

Its possible that its just that fact that ADHDers lag behind in maturity and Josh isn't fitting in anymore. As he gets older, that should improve. In the meantime, encourage him to make new friends. Maybe you can think of some fun activities that he could invite a prospective friend to do with him.

Kids can be so cruel. My heart goes out to you and Josh both.

[katiekat]

I guess girls AREN"T the only ones that act like that-boys can be just as petty at this age. I just remembered something that happened last week. Joe's friend across the street called him and invited him over, he had one other boy there. I drive the the both of them to and from school every day because their parents work and the 3 of them are good friends. So Joe goes over there and they slammed the door in his face and locked it and wouldn't let him in because he was wearing his baseball hat from the town we used to live in(he still plays there). They told him he couldn't come in unless he took off the A. hat. He came home all mad and I told him to go back and let them know that if that's the case and he can't go in the house with the A. hat on then they can't come in my car WITHOUT an A. hat on so enjoy the 45 minute walk to and from school each day. I'm teaching him the art of quick comebacks.

[bugsmom]

Thank you guys for all your responses...I was such a mess over this yesterday. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about the hurt on his face when he was talking about it. I guess I better toughen up...we've got a few more years to go!

I think CG hit the nail on the head. Josh is behind in maturity. I started to really notice it at the end of last year. Not that he's weird or freakishly immature, just subtle things. He's just a little slow in what behavior is appropriate and quite frankly, doesn't care yet. Where is peers are really into what others think, he can be overly silly. His hyperactivity really gets in the way too. He can get way to stimulated over everything and come off looking goofy. I pray that with age, this will get better.

He does still have friends in his class, although not too many. There is only 14 kids in the 6th grade class. The four boys that have ditched him have been together since pre-school. One other boy just loves Josh and he's a great kid. Also, 2 new boys started in his class this year and Josh has kinda taken them under his wing. He's so sweet...why can't others see what I see. He really likes these two new boys, so there is hope yet!

I'm so thankful that we have a big group of middle-schoolers here. I have a feeling we're in for a few rocky years!