Swearing

[misty]

I've about had it with Shannon swearing. She came home from her friends house today about 3 PM & she was hungry. They had been on a long walk & neglected to eat. I let her heat up some haluski. I put a meatloaf in the oven a little later & was just checking on it a minute ago. When I walked into the kitchen Shannon was in the process of getting herself a piece of cheesecake. I told her to put that away because dinner is almost ready. She got all mad & told me I cannot control her because she's her own person. I told her I'm the mom & I definitely CAN control her. Well....she started getting all up in my face & said "F you". She even gave me the finger! I made her go to her room until shes ready to apologize. Now shes even more mad because theres no computer there & shes hungry & she doesn't want to apologize. I told her the more she yells, the more she'll lose. So far shes in her room & she lost the privilege of calling her friend tonight.

I hate the mouthiness & swearing worse than ANYTHING!

[jj]

I with you on the swearing. That infuriates me. You did good sending her to her room. It's good to stop her in her tracks and let her know that will never be tolerated. It sure won't hurt her to sit in her room bored and hungry.

Oh, don't ya just love that teen attitude.

[rakuflames]

Apr 6, 2008 16:44:16 GMT -5 misty said:

I've about had it with Shannon swearing. She came home from her friends house today about 3 PM & she was hungry. They had been on a long walk & neglected to eat. I let her heat up some haluski. I put a meatloaf in the oven a little later & was just checking on it a minute ago. When I walked into the kitchen Shannon was in the process of getting herself a piece of cheesecake. I told her to put that away because dinner is almost ready. She got all mad & told me I cannot control her because she's her own person. I told her I'm the mom & I definitely CAN control her. Well....she started getting all up in my face & said "F you". She even gave me the finger! I made her go to her room until shes ready to apologize. Now shes even more mad because theres no computer there & shes hungry & she doesn't want to apologize. I told her the more she yells, the more she'll lose. So far shes in her room & she lost the privilege of calling her friend tonight.

I hate the mouthiness & swearing worse than ANYTHING!

I really sympathize with you.

i would urge you not to escalate any further, and let her have something to eat tonight, even if it's just a peanut butter sandwich. If you leave her hungry all night, you lose all chance of getting through to her how unacceptable her behavior is. She'll feel that her resentment is justified.

Tomorrow or some time when she's calm, tell her what the consequence will be for swearing. I would suggest you let her have one warning as it may have become a habit. Don't esecalate the punishment if she responds with more swearing, but if she swears past the one warning, then institute the consequence. It might be no phone privileges for 24 hours (this means you wouldn't take messages either). I would not over-react. I would urge you to set your goal as communicating your standards over the long run, not making her apologize immediately.

However, I would insist on an apology even if not heartfelt before whatever privilege was removed is reinstated. You might consider lifting the computer unless she needs it for school work for 24 hours.

I would urge you to not get baited into "OK that's 48 -- now it's 72!" When you do that, you're trying to control her behavior immediately, and the truths about that are that 1) you can't do that and 2) she knows it.

Set a long-term goal that you will have a consequence that you can enforce witout a lot of stress on you. Tell her what it is ahead of time, with one warning.

Tell her that if she swears within that 24 hour period the 24 hour period begins again. To get the privilege back it has to be 24 hours without swearing (at least in your presence).

[misty]

Well, she did come down & apologize about 5 minutes ago. I told her that she can eat now if she'd like,but that her phone privileges are still revoked for the evening.

she already knows that if she swears at me she must go to her room & not come out until she is ready to apologize (except to use the bathroom of course). And she knows that if she keeps it up, the phone privileges go as well. So nothing that happened tonight was a big shocker to her. She always apologizes after she calms down. She's never gone to bed without eating.

Now if she swears NOT at me (like if she says "What the H*ll was that or something), then she just gets a "Hey! watch your language" from me. She knows I do not like swearing. I've told her all the alternate ways to say something & that swearing is not necessary. She's usually pretty good, but she is 13 & she can drive me nuts at times! Comes with the territory. I just needed to vent tonight....it was better than sitting here alone & getting madder & madder.

[John]

I'm so glad I don't have that problem (yet) at my house. I remember several years ago (probably about 5-6) when I came home from work and Sean (about 8 or 9 at that time) came running up to me and says, ''Rachel used the ''s'' word at me today''. Well the 's' word at our house is ''Shut-up'', which I still think is a rude way to tell someone to Be-Quiet.

[charliegirl]

Apr 6, 2008 16:44:16 GMT -5 misty said:

She got all mad & told me I cannot control her because she's her own person. I told her I'm the mom & I definitely CAN control her. Well....she started getting all up in my face & said "F you". She even gave me the finger!

I don't like swearing but I can deal with it. Talking to a parent like that is definitely not allowed in my family!

The immediate consequence would be no contact for a few days with the kid she (in my case, my son) had been hanging with. I have told him when he has been be defiant in the past after hanging with another kid that if that is the behavior that friend encourages, I don't want him hanging with him. So far its worked.

I can handle power struggles but open defiance and that level of disrespect are non negotiable. I'm glad she apologized because my advice would have been to leave her there until she admitted you were the parent and had a right to set rules until she is an adult. I would have not snuck her a sandwich as that would be seen as a sign of weakness by her.

[misty]

I agree CG. She would live for one night without eating. I can't stop her from hanging out with Autumn because they don't hang out after school. Autumn goes home to babysit her baby brother until her mom gets home. They have a sleepover every other week & since Shannon doesn't hang out with anyone else, I'd hate to take that away. I don't think that Autumn causes Shannon to swear, although she does get mouthy to her mom at times too, they are both basically good kids. I did IM Autumns mom & tell her not to let Autumn call Shannon tonight because Shannon was grounded from the phone.

[bugsmom]

Yikes! Oh, Misty you are so much stronger than me. If Josh said that to me I would have burst into tears! I haven't had this problem yet, but that doesn't mean it won't come. The problem now a days is that kids think this type of language in acceptable. It's "F" this and "F" that...it makes my skin crawl. It's the fact that she directed those words to you (along with the bird) that makes me squirm. I know shes a teenager but I'm sure it hurt.

Hugs to you tonight. I wish I had some advice for you, but everyone has made such good suggestions. Hang in there...

[misty]

Thanks Bugsmom. It does hurt! Matter of fact after she apologized I did tell her that the reason I got so upset was partially because of how hurtful the words are. But you are right, they are becoming too common. I remember when I was her age I was scared to death to even say D*amn. At my bus stop I have 4-6th graders & I've heard even the 4th graders using the F word like it was just any other word. These are 9 year olds!

Thanks for the hugs...I needed that!

[Tigger]

Swearing is not allowed in my house either. And all 3 of my kids know this. So they have came up with words that they can use that are not swearing. Which is fine with me. But if I hear a swear word then they loose what ever is of interest to them for the night. But I dont have much problems with the swearing. It is just the pre-teen attitude I am dealing with.