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Post by katiekat on Apr 4, 2008 8:10:57 GMT -5
Sending you  anon. Truly I know how you feel. With Sean there are so many issues. We take care of one and 3 more crop up. It is always something, it is never-ending. And yes, it is exhausting both physically and emotionally. I have done what you mentioned-taken every last item out of his room. He had nothing but his bed and dressers. He had to earn back everything. And it worked great-until he got the things back. Then it all started up again. I am also like a prisoner in my home. 2 summers ago I tried so hard to make Sean's summer a fun one. He had been in daycare every summer because my husband was a single father. We joined a swimclub and I took him to so many places. What a disaster. I can't even begin to explain how out of control he was. I learned from my experience and last summer he did nothing. It was just too much for me. It was stressful and embarrassing. I will not take him anywhere now unless I absolutely have to. Once in a while I will try it out to see if things have changed but not yet. I am NOT looking forward to this summer. I want to sign him up for the summer rec program at school but fear he will be kicked out. I wish I had some answers that would be helpful for you but I am still searching myself. Things have improved a bit since he has been on the Abilify but still not good. Just wanted to tell you I know how your feeling. |
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Post by lillian on Apr 4, 2008 10:24:52 GMT -5
"We've been doing the reward system for 5 weeks now. He gets stars on his calendar, and if there are 3 stars he gets 20 mins on the computer. If there are 4 he gets 30 mins and if there are 5, he gets 20 on Sat and 20 on Sunday. He's only done it once, he got 3 stars, and it was a holiday week so there were only 4 days of school."
If he's not earning any rewards, then the system isn't working. I would try making the rewards immediate. "Catch him doing something right," and reward it immediately. Lots of praise for appropriate behavior the moment you see it.
Also, twenty minutes on the computer isn't much time, at all. It barely gives a child enough time to log on, particularly a child with attention issues.
What kind of fun things do you let him do? If he's not allowed to do anything fun, he's going to become one angry little boy. I understand that you think he should receive consequences for his behavior, but no TV, no computer, no going out, no scouts, no games, no movies? Good grief! What does he get to do? I would give everything back to him that you have taken away.
If he hits another child, I would sit down with him and talk about it. Go through the scenario step-by-step, scene-by-scene, asking him for details. When he gets to the hitting part, talk with him about other options he could have chosen. Compliment him on positive behaviors he has, and suggest using some of these positive behaviors in place of hitting.
Punishing him is not working. And all it's going to do is make him more and more angry, which is not what you want to do with a child who already has issues with anger. You want to find out why the child is angry, why the child is hitting other children, and do something about this anger.
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Post by charliegirl on Apr 4, 2008 11:42:06 GMT -5
Also, this is the 4th kid he's hit in the past 2 months. It's impulse. I know it is. But it doesn't make it ok. He's not doing it out of anger. He's just goofing off when the teachers back is turned and WHACK! Then the kid runs off and tells the teacher. Anon Does he have a behavior intervention plan at school? How about social skills help? Do you have him talking to a psych or therapist? What it sounds like to me is that he has very poor social skills and needs help with those. A lot of kids have that issue. They see other boys hitting each other in fun, for example, and think thats how friends act. They don't realize when its appropriate and when it isn't. Many boys will punch each other when joking around but its very difficult for our kids to pick up on all the social clues that tell them when its ok and when it isn't. He wouldn't realize that only close friends can do that jokingly and get away with it. If he doesn't have social skills or a BIP at school, I would write to the principal and ask for him to have a behaviour assessment done. You can arrange short play dates for him with one boy at a time and have them do something you or your husband can supervise the whole time so you can clue him in when he is acting inappropriately. What do you think? There are definite things which can be done to help him if you think that may be it. Many of us here have had to deal with poor social skills. |
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Post by anon4now on Apr 4, 2008 11:46:46 GMT -5
He reads. That's all he can do safely.
As far as comp time, he chooses an activity (email, Diabetes forum, webkinz...) Then I log him in and give him 20 mins to do what he wants.
When he gets home from school he does his homework, chores and reading. He plays with his sister a little bit here and there. There are crayons and puzzles out at all times. When I get home it's dinner time. Then he gets ready for bed. Then he has about 1/2 hour to relax with a book, or play with his sister, or talk with me. Sometimes we do word puzzles together.
Weekends we might go out to visit a relative. Or we just stay home. I'm usually cleaning house. And he's usually reading or playing with sister. During sister's nap we all play a board game together. Though she's been getting better, so he and I played pokemon last weekend with her on my lap helping me choose cards etc. If it's nice we go for walks. He has a bike, roller blades, skateboard or he can walk. The nearby park just opened for the season so I have a feeling we'll be doing that a lot more.
We try to stress family time as much as possible. But 80% of those activities are yelling at him. And I can't trust him with anyone else besides me. It's embarassing. And I don't bring him places like stores, mall, movies etc.
And as far as walking through the scenario step by step. He's a smart kid. He knows what happened and why he's not supposed to do it. He can recite it backwards and forwards. And he's so smart he's gotten to the point that he just lies through the whole story to try to reduce the consequences. His psych says don't ask, just consequence. If we ask, we are only giving him the opportunity to lie about it. (which just escalates the situation)
We've tried rewarding immediately. And we tried praising him. I swear to god, as soon as we say how great of a job he's doing, he throws the game and does something to to compromise his winning streak.
This is all welling up in my gut. I feel like every which way I turn, there's a wall and I'm getting pretty claustrophobic here.
Anon
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Post by anon4now on Apr 4, 2008 11:51:26 GMT -5
Also, this is the 4th kid he's hit in the past 2 months. It's impulse. I know it is. But it doesn't make it ok. He's not doing it out of anger. He's just goofing off when the teachers back is turned and WHACK! Then the kid runs off and tells the teacher. Anon Does he have a behavior intervention plan at school? How about social skills help? Do you have him talking to a psych or therapist? He's seeing a psychologist. I don't see her for another two weeks, she's on vacation, but I'll ask her about a BIP. I never heard of it before. He has a 504 plan because of his diabetes. And a lot of the accomadations include ones needed for his behavior. Mostly things like Helping him transition between activities (10 min warning) and seperating him when he can't control himself instead of just sending him to the office or something. Allowed frequent breaks from his seat etc. I will do some research into what a BIP includes. It has been mentioned in the past that the group counseling to better his social skills is recommended. How do I go about doing something like that? I'll ask his doc next week. Thanks. Anon |
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Post by jj on Apr 4, 2008 11:53:34 GMT -5
I feel so bad for you. My sister is in your exact shoes. Nothing seems to work with her daughter.
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Post by lillian on Apr 4, 2008 12:01:22 GMT -5
This is not a healthy situation. If I stayed with my son all the time, I'd go bonkers, crazy, nuts, and he's a cool kid. Still, he's a kid. He doesn't need to be around me all the time, and I don't need to be around him all the time. What does your son do that requires constant supervision? Is he starting fires? Physically harming himself? Maliciously harming other children? What has happened that has caused this serious of a response to his behavior?
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Post by anon4now on Apr 4, 2008 12:34:47 GMT -5
This was from a previous post. I'm being lazy and just copied and pasted it. There are things I'm not comfortable mentioning. Can I plead the 5th amendment on behalf of my son? I honestly can say, he has not started fires because there are no lighters/matches in my house.
Impulse control has always been main concern. To give you an idea on how we've handled things as the progressed... when DS was 2-3, we would escort him around the house pointing out "No" items. Such as kitchen, A/C, stereo, front door, toilet. Then he would escort us around the house and confirm he knew all the "No" items. Then as the day would go on, he would touch the stereo (and blew the fuse) play with the A/C (and change the settings), start to go into the kitchen (who knows what he was going to do!) and flush a few toys down the toilet. Luckily he never walked out the front door, but the dead bolt might have played a role in that. Around 3-4, we would say things like "Don't run." which made him go faster. "Don't throw the ball" and he'd throw it one more time. So we made him confirm the request out loud. So I would say, "Don't run." and he would say, "Ok, I won't run." and that would almost force him to stop and think about our request and commit to the request and follow through. It also confirmed with us that Yes, he did hear me. Around 5-6, attitude entered the picture. So we would say, "Clean off the table, it's dinner time." and with a huff and roll of eyes he'd drag out "Oooookaaaay I'll clean off the table, ahhh" So we changed the rules. Now he's response was to be "Yes Sir/M'am, I will clean of the table."
The other issue is the Over Reacting. It's almost like a temper tantrum, except he knows that a full on tantrum will do him no good. But he will make his face red, and just push all his air through his air pipes and scream in a hoarse cry "waaaahhhhh" Most times there aren't even tears. If you even touch him he'll throw himself to the floor as if you kicked him in the knee. A few days ago, we found toilet plunger rings all over the bathroom wall. This will be the second time this has happened. When we ask him about it, of course he didn't do it. So the punishment was to clean the bathroom every other day for a week. Yesterday was one of those days. He started at 6:30PM after dinner. Around 7:00, DH mentions he has 1/2 hr before bed, so he better finish up. DS comes tearing out of the bathroom crying and out of control. I'm looking at him like, WTH? I told him he's waisting his time out here crying and to get to it. He's stammering his words and hiccuping and trying to make excuses for something. I just repeated myself and told him there was no need for this. No matter what he does, he's still cleaning the bathroom. He heads back in and gets back to work but now he's talking to himself about how stupid he is.
I would say the last concern is hyper-activity. He's got a lot of energy. He does ok in school. I really believe a teacher can make a difference if a ADHD enjoys a class and contributes, or doesn't enjoy a class and is distracting. She encourages him to tell his stories and points of views. If she kept telling him, "Not now" then he would probably get all bottled up and start acting out other ways. She's mentioned during lectures he'll be silly with other kids, especially if they are across the room. But she's allowed him to pull out a book or worksheet to work on if he's getting restless. I think Gym class and lunch time are his hardest times since it's less structured then other classes.
At home, or more like, out running errands with mom, is hard. He loves going to the grocery store, but man is it hard to do. He's gotten better in the past few months. But I remember one time he was crawling down the aisle on his belly pretty much the whole time. I bribed him to stop he would get ice cream. He didn't stop, so I didn't get the ice cream. He made a huge scene; promising he'll be good, give me another chance, I promise I won't do it again. I stood my ground and the gentleman behind me in line practically shook my hand. It was pretty funny. Another time he took a carriage and started running up and down the aisles. I hear the carriage going up the aisle next to me and I start looking around for him. Then I hear it go down the next aisle and I just think, F'n great. Then it starts going up the next and he was pretty lucky there were witnesses.
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Post by lillian on Apr 4, 2008 13:10:45 GMT -5
I think most of this behavior is normal behavior. Racing down the grocery store aisles with a cart is probably the only thing that makes me go, "Hmm," although my son would do that at the age of nine in WalMart. He had a purpose, though--finding toys as fast as he possibly could. I used to say I could tell where he was in the store by the sound of his running feet. I learned to smile at people, who would stare in shock, and say, "Isn't he cute?" They would nervously smile back. Those mothers, who probably had also raised a hyperactive child, would watch him, smile, look at me and smile. I even got a few winks from them.
Doing things one more time, after being asked to stop? Typical ADHD behavior. Ignore it. Pretend you didn't see it. Walk away.
Blew the fuse on the TV? My nephew, who is not ADHD and an all-around great kid, broke three TV's when he was between the ages of three and four.
Flush things down the toilet? All kids do that. At least, I think they do. My son definitely has. He broke the base of one toilet. My brother said the reason he learned how to fix toilets was because he was constantly removing things his boys had flushed.
Huffing and puffing about setting the table at the age of five or six? Do you know a little boy who won't? If you have a little girl this age, and she wants to be Mommy's little helper, then she may gladly do it, but boys? I don't think so.
Temper tantrums if he is "touched"? What do you mean?
As far as the plunger on the bathroom wall, that's a bit odd. I'm not sure why he's doing that. He may be ticked off, at this point, or bored out of his mind.
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Post by misty on Apr 4, 2008 13:21:37 GMT -5
When my daughter was littler, the Foodland near us had miniature grocery buggies for kids to push. They had a long handled pennant attached so that grown ups knew the buggies were coming. OMG...you should've seen how many catastrophes those buggies caused!
I have to laugh, Lillian, that you think little girls would gladly help set the table! Not my daughter! She always fought me tooth & nail unless it was something she already wanted to do. Now, at 13, shes better about helping out, but then she gets an allowance now & shes always trying to finagle a few more dollars out of us by saying "But mom.....I did (this or that), isn't that worth a bit more?" Gotta give her credit for trying!
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I was about to conquer the world but then I got distracted by something shiny.
