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Post by anon4now on Apr 5, 2008 7:17:07 GMT -5
Some responses: ;D
Some of you mention "laughing it off." And taking an "ADHD kids will just be ADHD kids" attitude. For some reason, I can't jump on board with that. Which is why I'm here, and why I'm taking my son to a psych. I want to be able to help him function in society in an appropriate manner. I know shaking good behavior into his noggin won't work...but I feel like there has got to be something.
When ever I see a situation that will be challenging for my son, I either find a way for him to be successful at handling it, or take him out of it. When he was younger, and I had no choice but to bring him with me to the store, I would point out some squares on the floor (usually in the middle of the aisle and away from the candy) and tell him he's not allowed to move from that square. In the car we would play "who ever talks first loses". Things like that. But if I'm not there to do this with him, he doesn't do it. So in school while they are walking in the halls, he's running out of line, talking too much and loud, and hitting kids.
Charliegirl. I like your suggestion (it definitely sounds good on paper) I think I might print some of this discussion and show it to his psych for her thoughts. I think you guys know more about my issues then she does at this point. The other challenge is getting DH on board.
Lillian, if that's true, then that MIGHT help us through some things. I have a 2 year old girl (who yes loves to help mom with dishes, laundry, clean up, and sweeping.) that I feel has run laps around my son when it comes to listening and learning appropriate behavior. Someone else mentioned, "doesn't every kid do those things?" My response to that is, every kid MAY do SOME of those things, but then learns from their mistakes and won't repeat. My son would do these things 2-6 times a day, everyday. My daughter, and a few other kids I have had the pleasure of hanging out with, will not leave my side at the store, does not touch the TV or any other electronic, and will just hang her head and say "O-tay mommy" when I tell her NO. They are just two different types of kids. But I just look at my son and think, the things we are asking are not impossible.
I appreciate all your thoughts, and stories. Its definitely comforting to read similar situations.
Anon
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Post by lillian on Apr 5, 2008 10:03:00 GMT -5
"Anon4now, I'm curious. Are you having the same problem many of us have had? Most people you know don't know what ADHD really is and harp at you that you must not be strict enough, need to discipline more, etc? I'm sure you know the type of person I mean. They think that even if the inability to focus is a problem, everything else is just poor parenting. They have not got a clue about what its really like to live with our kids day in and day out." Amen, sister! Unless you've raised a hyperactive child, you have no idea what it's like! It doesn't matter if you are a psychologist, psychiatrist, or whatever. You have no idea. It's so easy to sit back and say what a parent should do, but unless you've lived with the behavior, you don't understand. It's not like parenting a neuro-typical child. You have to learn to accept behaviors you never thought you would have to accept, and laugh about behaviors you never thought you would laugh at, or you will go mad. I found that one of the easiest ways for me to accept things I thought I should not accept and still be a "good mother" was this: if the child had been two or three years younger, would I have been concerned? When my nine year old couldn't manage to make her bed without being reminded, encouraged to finish, etc., I asked myself what I would have expected of a six year old. I would have expected to give a six year old more help. Often these kids are two - three years behind wherever they are weaker behaviorally. You have to work with them where they are and not where we wish they were. You can yell and scream all you want at a six year old for leaving the milk out, but it wouldn't surprise us at all if he were three. When it comes to things like leaving the milk out, it might be better to think of him as three and shape that behavior as you would with a much younger child. I SO agree with this, and, actually, I've just begun to do this! Although, for the most part, I don't think my son is immature, he is in regards to his sticking with things and seeing things through to their completion. This is where his ADD is extremely apparent. Our garage is filled with incomplete projects and sports/hobby paraphernalia that came and went from his immediate interest like the wind. Now, he's finally beginning to develop some interests that I THINK are sticking. Keep your fingers crossed! To me, he's much more like a twelve-year-old, in this regard, not the fourteen-year-old, soon-to-be-fifteen-year-old, he is, so I've begun to try and look at it that way. |
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Post by bugsmom on Apr 5, 2008 10:44:25 GMT -5
"Anon4now, I'm curious. Are you having the same problem many of us have had? Most people you know don't know what ADHD really is and harp at you that you must not be strict enough, need to discipline more, etc? I'm sure you know the type of person I mean. They think that even if the inability to focus is a problem, everything else is just poor parenting. They have not got a clue about what its really like to live with our kids day in and day out." Amen, sister! Unless you've raised a hyperactive child, you have no idea what it's like! It doesn't matter if you are a psychologist, psychiatrist, or whatever. You have no idea. It's so easy to sit back and say what a parent should do, but unless you've lived with the behavior, you don't understand. It's not like parenting a neuro-typical child. You have to learn to accept behaviors you never thought you would have to accept, and laugh about behaviors you never thought you would laugh at, or you will go mad. I found that one of the easiest ways for me to accept things I thought I should not accept and still be a "good mother" was this: if the child had been two or three years younger, would I have been concerned? When my nine year old couldn't manage to make her bed without being reminded, encouraged to finish, etc., I asked myself what I would have expected of a six year old. I would have expected to give a six year old more help. Often these kids are two - three years behind wherever they are weaker behaviorally. You have to work with them where they are and not where we wish they were. You can yell and scream all you want at a six year old for leaving the milk out, but it wouldn't surprise us at all if he were three. When it comes to things like leaving the milk out, it might be better to think of him as three and shape that behavior as you would with a much younger child. Anon...What Raku said is completely TRUE! When we first started on this ADHD road I was scared to death. I felt the same way you do now. I had a hard time accepting my son's behavior. I worried, lost sleep, piled on more punishments, the whole ball of wax. Until I was really able to accept his diagnosis, learn as much as I could about ADHD, and really come to terms with the whole thing, I was just lost. Our kids are different, but that doesn't mean they don't get better. What Raku said about realizing that they are years behind their peers is what really made me realize what I was dealing with. I have to say its the most important point (at least to me) that has helped me on our journey. Whenever my son does something that really throws me for a loop, I think, ok, he's really acting like a 9 or 10 year old. It helps me focus and treat and guide him in a way that he understands. We all understand your pain. We've all been in your shoes a hundred times. Some of us with older children can tell you that it does get better. It may take longer, but they do get there. It won't happen overnight, like CG suggested, pick the most important issues right now. You will learn along the way, but its a lot of trial and error. That's why its so important for us to all have each other here. Hugs to you...we're always here for you. |
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Post by charliegirl on Apr 5, 2008 20:22:43 GMT -5
Some responses: ;D Some of you mention "laughing it off." And taking an "ADHD kids will just be ADHD kids" attitude. For some reason, I can't jump on board with that. Which is why I'm here, and why I'm taking my son to a psych. I want to be able to help him function in society in an appropriate manner. I know shaking good behavior into his noggin won't work...but I feel like there has got to be something. When ever I see a situation that will be challenging for my son, I either find a way for him to be successful at handling it, or take him out of it. Anon I hope you haven't taken the remarks about laughing things off as us not caring or trying for the best for our kids. What everyone is referring to is that we have to pick our battles wisely and learn to laugh when it would be more natural to cry or we would be committing child abuse several times a day. We have to decide what is really important and focus on that until our kids are ready for the next step. We all believe there is a bright future for our kids. We also know that its really hard work getting them there but its worth all the sacrifices we make along the way. The fact that you are here tells us that you believe in your son and his potential but are struggling like the rest of us in finding the best ways to help him become the adult you know he can be. For some reason I keep getting this thought in my head and have to laugh. "It ain't easy being green." Remember Kermitt the frog? He is different. He is green. But he has learned how to be a great frog using what he was born with. Our kids are the same way. It ain't easy being ADHD or LD or ODD or BP BUT they have the potential. We just have to help them learn to tap into their strengths and be the best they can be. That will be more than good enough. I am concerned about your statement "When ever I see a situation that will be challenging for my son, I either find a way for him to be successful at handling it, or take him out of it." As hard as it is, part of helping our children learn to succeed is helping them learn how to fail. We have to weigh the consequences and let them suffer the ones that are going to be a learning experience. I've learned the hard way that protecting my son from failure and criticism ended up hurting him. It undermined his self esteem because I didn't want to let him try anything I wasn't sure he would succeed at. That was telling him I saw him as a failure. That also prevented him from proving to me that he was able to succeed at more than I gave him credit for. He also learned to use his ADHD as an excuse to get out of things if he didn't want to try. Something else I deprived him of was the chance to learn to be resilient. Muscles only grow stronger if you exercise them. Adversity strengthens our character and a strong, good character can keep you plowing ahead when others would cave in and give up. |
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Post by anon4now on Apr 6, 2008 9:32:23 GMT -5
I here you CG. I didn't mean there was a lack of caring. I guess I just never get out of battle mode, so picking them is never an option. I know I have a lot to work on as a parent too. And DH is another challenge. My overall goal it to slowly evolve our entire family.
My son doesn't know he's been diagnosed with ADHD. He doesn't know why he behaves the way he does. Mostly because I don't know why he behaves the way he does.
And as far as taking him out of situations...I'm more talking about public outings, especially when I can't give him the attention to keep him in line. If I'm too busy comparing the prices of canned green beans, he takes that second to disappear. And I just think, I've almost figured 5/$4 is the same as 10/$8, then he's already turned the corner and rammed the carriage into the old ladies legs.
Ok, my kids are screaming for attention. They want to make some cement stone thing for my sister. Thanks everyone for your thoughts.
Anon
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Post by misty on Apr 6, 2008 11:44:33 GMT -5
Ok, I'm thinking here.....Your son is 9 years old & he went through all the testing that diagnosed him with ADHD, but you did not tell him he has ADHD.I'm wondering if part of his acting out is that he thinks something is wrong with him but no one is telling him what it is so in his 9 year old mind he may be making it out to be worse that what it actually is. Maybe his fears are coming out in the guise of misbehavior. OR maybe he's thinking that since no one said he had something, he has nothing & is just a bad kid so whats the point trying to change if thats the case?
Just a few things to think about. Often if kids are kept in the dark, they still over hear little snips of conversation about them & they make more out of it than it really is.
My daughter was diagnosed at age 9 too. We sat her down & explained in terms she could understand, exactly what was going on & we encouraged her to ask questions. I even showed her books & websites geared toward talking to kids about ADHD & learning disabilities & I made sure she understood that nothing she did caused this & it did not mean she is bad or stupid. She handled it pretty well & even found another ADHD kid in her class & the 2 of them helped each other stay on task. As she got older & asked more questions, I gave her more & more info. I think knowing & being part of the process has empowered her & helped her to help herself do better in school & in life in general.
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Post by puzzled on Apr 6, 2008 14:45:36 GMT -5
I agree misty. Chase was diagnosed at age 9 too, and while I did not tell him why he was taking the tests while he was taking them, after the diagnosis was in, we did tell him the problem. He was relieved to know why he could not focus in class and learn things. Like your daughter, he knew of other ADHD kids, and took it quite well. We have also made him a very big part of his treatment. We take into account how he feels on the medication and make our decisions as a team with him a member. I have always felt that if he feels he is a part of the decision, he is more likely to be more willing to abide by it.
He is almost 12 and so far so good!
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Post by charliegirl on Apr 6, 2008 21:03:24 GMT -5
I understand what you are going through anon. I used to put off a trip to the store for all but the absolute necessities if it meant taking my son. One thing that did help was that I set the rules before we went in and the consequences of not obeying were that we would leave immediately if he didn't follow them. I really did leave as soon as his problem behavior started. I would take the cart to an employee and explain we had to leave so I couldn't put the items back . I didn't like doing it but it only took a few times before my son did learn not to run off or have a fit when he couldn't have what he wanted.
I agree with the others that at his age, explaining he is having problems because of ADHD and that there are ways you can help him, is the way to go. As an adult ADHDer, I can assure you that its like living in a nightmare when you see yourself failing at things others seem to find easy and you know you are as smart as them and you can't figure out why. You feel like the world is against you. Once you know, you can understand what the difference is between you and them, then you can look for solutions. Its the difference between having a reason for hope and feeling hopeless.
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Post by squirrelgirl on Apr 6, 2008 22:24:39 GMT -5
The discussion in this thread has been amazingly thought-provoking and inspiring. I feel so enlightened from all this wisdom.
If it's okay to mention a little bit about my situation in relation to the advice given here, I would like to do so, but do not want to steer away from anon's situation:
My h and I took our 7 yo ds on his cub scout camping trip this weekend. Our ds is basically super-hyper with a large dash of impulsiveness, and MUCH more (i.e. sassed the school headmaster during assembly - right in the microphone for everyone to hear - the faculty, students, parents gasped).
Anyway, part of the hyperactivity is talking constantly with an EXTREMELY high-pitched, loud voice.
(Side Note: We are in speech therapy.)
Many of the scouts are a year older and they think ds has a "weird voice" and talk behind his back about it.
All weekend we could hear this high voice blaring throughout the forest. It is piercing and you can get a major headache started in an instant.
We have told ds zillions of times to lower his voice (while demonstrating a proper tone). We have told him it is annoying, bothersome, and other parents/children do not care for it, etc.
He listens to what we explain to him, but two seconds later, he's back at it again, completely oblivious.
Much of the weekend I spent either apologizing to parents for his voice or giving little glares at the kids who were talking about him. I spent most of the time miserable about the whole thing and just plain sick of it. Why can't ds just quit it already!
Then I came across this thread. So much of it lends a helping hand to what we are going through. I'm thinking about the fact that ds is more immature than the other scouts. I'm thinking about coming to terms that ds does this and I can't do a whole lot about it (other than give gentle reminders). I need to simply accept it, get over it, and move on. It is a battle that I cannot win.
I thought about taking him out of scouts so my h and I wouldn't have to go through this difficulty, but I see that's not the answer. I have learned in this thread that he can learn from any adversity that might crop up and he can learn from more mature peers. He's having a ton of fun on the campout and is carefree with his excited high-pitched voice. Unlike my fretting and worrying, he is having the time of his life. So I need to tell myself that if the other parents/children think he's nuts, then oh, well.
Since telling him over and over again to stop talking so squeaky high is not working, I'm thinking of making an incentive rock jar (or something like that) to catch him when his voice is low (he CAN do it) and maybe it will help him break this habit (or whatever it is).
If I can relax about this voice thing (not easy because it's such a continual situation), quit worrying about what other people think, and concentrate on the positive things about ds (how much fun he's having), I think I might have a chance at ridding much of my agony over it.
Thanks for letting me get all this out. Again, this thread has been incredibly helpful. Awesome advice.
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Post by misty on Apr 6, 2008 22:35:07 GMT -5
squirrelgirl,
I think its wonderful that you got all that from this thread! I love when we get a thread going like this & it helps all of us. I'm glad you decided to let him stay in scouts. He's having fun & he'll learn a lot there. My cousin's son is ODD & in scouts & she swears its helped him have a sense of belonging & helped his self esteem.
I do want to ask you...have you ever recorded his voice when hes talking like that & then played it back for him? Sometimes they just don't realize how it sounds until they hear it like that. It might help, it might not, but it can't hurt to try.
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I was about to conquer the world but then I got distracted by something shiny.
