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Post by anon4now on Apr 3, 2008 14:40:10 GMT -5
I feel like I have stripped everything away from my 9 year old. What more can I do?
He was going to cub scouts, then things got bad at school and home. I wrote to the leader explaining I might have to pull him out though I didn't want to. She said she understood and to do what was best. He had a great day in school yesterday. So I was getting excited he would be able to go tonight. And that maybe I could get him rolling on some good behavior. Then he comes home with a note that he hit a girl in school.
My DH is so mad. The way he thinks of it, is if someone hit our children in school, he would be at the school asking what is going to happen to the kid who hit our child. So he wants something done, but I don't know what.
My son thinks he already lost cub scouts so I can't take it away again. I can't say "I WAS going to take you, but now, no way." I'm so frustrated I just want to help him, and he just can't get it straight. I'm out of consequences. All the regulars are taken up:
No TV, Comp, games, movies
No cub scouts
No "going out"
We're prisoners in our house. He sits at the kitchen table and reads books or does puzzles. He's not even allowed in his room by himself.
blah.
Anon
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Post by katiekat on Apr 3, 2008 15:17:30 GMT -5
Not sure if this would work with your son but I have been where you are at and this works.(Sometimes LOL) Instead of punishment for bad behavior maybe you can try a reward for good behavior. I will not buy Sean anything because that got too out of control but I will do something special with him. He will pick something like going to rent a movie or video game, going to the park or my personal favorite going to the bakery. If he has an entire good week at school he earns one of these trips.
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Post by misty on Apr 3, 2008 16:41:59 GMT -5
I agree with KK. I've found with my daughter that if too many things are taken away she starts feeling like "Why bother even trying to be good". she still gets punished at times of course but since I've started rewarding her for good behavior I see that I'm punishing her less & less. Some rewards I've used are giving her a little extra in her allowance if she keeps her room relatively clean, taking her & her best friend to the mall if shes done well on her homework (and HANDED IT IN--LOL), letting her stay up a little later if she helps around the house without arguing. Those are a few examples...you can tailor your own to fit the occasions.
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Post by rakuflames on Apr 3, 2008 18:58:04 GMT -5
I agree with KK. I've found with my daughter that if too many things are taken away she starts feeling like "Why bother even trying to be good". she still gets punished at times of course but since I've started rewarding her for good behavior I see that I'm punishing her less & less. Some rewards I've used are giving her a little extra in her allowance if she keeps her room relatively clean, taking her & her best friend to the mall if shes done well on her homework (and HANDED IT IN--LOL), letting her stay up a little later if she helps around the house without arguing. Those are a few examples...you can tailor your own to fit the occasions. The truth is that punishment just doesn't work. It especially won't work for things triggered by impulsiveness,and the poster is right -- take away too many things and resentment will block any effects you wanted from the punishment. I do not recommend withdrawing kids from activities for punishment. Part of being a scout is building a group feeling. If this happens too much, he'll feel like an outsider in that group. |
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Post by jj on Apr 3, 2008 20:16:39 GMT -5
Anon,
I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time and feeling their are no options left. I really feel for your frustration. We all find it difficult to find what works with our kids. To be honest, I didn't have any kind of reward system in place for my step-sons or my grand niece. I was just doing things by a wing and a prayer and punishment so don't feel bad. But more and more parents are finding that putting a reward system in place works far better than any punishment.
Just think about the things he loves to do and give him more time doing those things when you start the rewards. Granted, you may have to really dig deep to find good things at first. Some people use a system of colored rocks in a jar. He gets so many for a certain good behavor. Once he gets X amount he can buy the extra time on the computer or whatever. (Sometimes it helps for them to visually see their progress)
I agree with Raku, some things should not be taken away and social interaction such a scouts, team games should be always be untouchable by any kind of punishment.
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Post by katiekat on Apr 3, 2008 21:18:56 GMT -5
Last year we did have to take Sean out of t-ball and before that football. It was not a punishment for his behavior at home or at school but the problem was his behavior at t-ball and football. He would not listen to the coaches at all and did whatever he wanted instead of what he should have been doing. He was also very physically agressive and would constantly hit, kick and punch the other kids. He spent a lot of time sitting on the sidelines anyway because he was sent there by the coach for his behavior. We saw no choice but to not allow him to play. Sometimes it is necessary to stop an activity.
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Post by misty on Apr 3, 2008 21:25:15 GMT -5
Yeah, I agree KK that sometimes its the only option. Under the circumstances you described, you had no choice. But there do have to be some things that are just a given. Not taken away as a punishment. I never took away girl Scouts or visits to grandma from Shannon because not only did I need a break, but she needed the interaction with her grandparents & the group environment from the scouts.
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Post by katiekat on Apr 3, 2008 22:30:48 GMT -5
I would never take away plans with the grandparents or the mother either. Also I won't take away plans already made with another child and their parent.
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Post by jill on Apr 4, 2008 5:51:54 GMT -5
How about you have him make or get a "I am sorry card" for the girl he hit something nice for her. Try talking to him in a teaching moment and say first of all we do not hit and then say how do you think the girl felt and go with it. Another thing you can do is give him an extra chore so if he has nothing to do he can earn 1 thing back and then he controls the rest if he does it and how long it will take him. Just a couple of ideas.
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Post by anon4now on Apr 4, 2008 7:50:43 GMT -5
Thank you for the responses. I wanted to get on last night but I didn't have a chance.
We've been doing the reward system for 5 weeks now. He gets stars on his calendar, and if there are 3 stars he gets 20 mins on the computer. If there are 4 he gets 30 mins and if there are 5, he gets 20 on Sat and 20 on Sunday. He's only done it once, he got 3 stars, and it was a holiday week so there were only 4 days of school.
We have a similar situation with cubscouts like the t-ball example above. They are earning a card to be able to use a knife. We discussed this with him and told him he would have to step up his good behavior in order to receive the card. Otherwise, he'll have to wait. He didn't get one star that week.
Also, this is the 4th kid he's hit in the past 2 months. It's impulse. I know it is. But it doesn't make it ok. He's not doing it out of anger. He's just goofing off when the teachers back is turned and WHACK! Then the kid runs off and tells the teacher.
He has written apologies to both the kids and the teacher (which the teacher appreciated).
I all but threatened his life last night. I told him I would come home from work one day while he's in school and all he will find is a bed. Last summer we hardly did anything, because his bed time was so early (one punishment is if you waste our time, you lose yours). It looks like this summer is going to be the same thing.
Ok, I'm done. I'm exhausted from this.
Anon
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